Help me understand the mindset of a DV victim.

[Innishh]

Trying to support my BF who has been the victim of emotional and physical DV for over 16 years. There have been many, many episodes (often alcohol related) she has left a couple of times but has gone back. This last time after a severe beating he left her and fled the country. He has been gone 9 months, still makes contact with nasty emails but she is distraught, lonely and wants him back. She has now erupted at me saying that all of my advice to leave him the first two times and block him since he left was wrong and she doesn’t want to see me again. I see that she is at the end of her tether and can’t seem to cope without him. I am shocked, confused and hurt that she has turned on me - but can weather that - more worried about her own irrational mental state and just don’t understand it. What is going on? Do I just keep my distance? Do I pick up again when the next crisis erupts?

Honestly you can’t help if she doesn’t want your help. Tell her that really clearly and then keep your distance. As upsetting as it is you are not responsible for her situation.

Would I be antagonising her if I said that? Should I just keep my distance? Do I respond when the inevitable call comes in a few months time?

It's a deep psychological issue and unfortunately nothing you can solve.

I would personally tell her the truth then block her. People in this situation can’t be rescued they need to save themselves.

What do you want out of the relationship?

As others have said you cant save her she knows what she should do but its not atm what she wants to do. Domestic violence is about control. Telling her she should leave just adds to the conflict in her head/imposes a different kind of control and adds the lack of control shes feeling. Whether you mean to or not you're turning it into a tug of war between you and him.

If you've ended up in the role of saviour, you need to have a jolly good think. Is it more important for you to save the friendship or save her. If you want to save the friendship you need to only offer as much help as you're perpared to lose and flatly (but politely) refuse to offer any opinions at all over the relationship. Thats harder than it sounds.

I’ve just got out of s six year abusive friendship we weren’t even partners it took me over a year to walk away I begged my kids for therapy so I could walk I couldn’t do it in the end i decided that I would kill him and go to prison and get peace. The abuse my mental torture and emotional he put me through what they do in prison camps to destroy minds in the end I lost all my hobbies just sat here he isolated me whilst he had a life I didn’t talk to anyone but him. I’m ashamed to talk about it as why put up with it it’s like being in a cult it’s coercive control I’m free and I never think about him but I did give up my job and was losing my home to get away and move to a fiends but changed my mind

I would tell her the truth without holding back and take the tough love approach.

I would tell her they will NEVER work out and be happy. I would tell her that of course the abuse affected her severely but that there are so many other women in abusive relationships right now who are desperate to leave with nowhere to go, who are afraid every single day and who would only wish that their husbands would flee the country so that they could then make the break to get their own freedom back.

I would tell her he's been gone 9 months now and she has surely had some moments of clarity and should be taking action to move forward with her own life. I would tell her there are so many organisations and support groups out there that can help her to move on and that millions of other women have had to take that step even if they didn't want to.

I would say they're not Romeo and Juliet so to let go of the idea that they have some kind of love story.

Does she have kids with him? Because if she does I would tell her she has no right to continue to expose her kids to that bullshit, it's harmful, they will hold it against her when she's older and she needs to bloody wake up and start to move forward with her life!

Nothing you can say will make her break free. It HAS to come from her. But its so hard to watch and its ok if you cant do it anymore. I think it sounds as if she is on the way back to him and is going to be even more isolated. Has he been spouting off about you I wonder? Blaming his actions on your interference.

Has he been spouting off about you I wonder? Blaming his actions on your interference.
Yes I think that is what might have happened as I can’t understand the outburst and about turn on our friendship. I don’t have the confidence to tell her home truths/tough love, as currently I see her as fragile, volatile and unstable - she drinks far too much.

Domestic violence is about control. Telling her she should leave just adds to the conflict in her head/imposes a different kind of control and adds the lack of control shes feeling. Whether you mean to or not you're turning it into a tug of war between you and him.

That is a very helpful insight Volcan thank you. I don’t know what a saviour is - I will need to look that up.

Wow, I think some of the replies on this thread are a bit harsh. Your friend is a VICTIM and she's being abused and controlled. If you cut her out, you're just letting him succeed in isolating her. However, I think it's reasonable to say it's hard for you to remain friends with her while she stays with him. Tell her this is because you can't bear to see her hurt, become a shell of herself etc. You can tell her you're going to step back for a bit but remind her that you'll always be there for her if she needs you.

Thank you Bigspoon I am not cutting her out at all - it’s the opposite - she has blown up at me and said she doesn’t want to see me again.

I wouldnt cut her off completely. She is that consumed by her ex and she will have lost perspective on a lot of reality and boundaries relationships generally anyway. It will kind of be like survival needing to get her fix from him. You need to protect your own mental health though. I would send her an honest message saying what u think. How she has changed. That you know she knows this, but will make her choice anyway so you need to take a step back but that u love her and are there if she needs u. That way u havent abandoned her and effectively pushed her more to him without intending to, but you also create distance for your own sanity.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Or get her a paper copy.

If she doesn't read it, what can you do.

Yeah you should probably withdraw for your own sanity.

Would she consider counselling?

Do the Freedom Programme so you can understand how abuse works and why women stay. It will help you help her.

The way you've been behaving is destructive and you need to change your behaviour immediately. You may have meant well, but you have been wrong to behave this way. It might help if you apologise to her for telling her what to do, pressuring her, criticising her choices, judging her... (Would you have found that helpful?)

By telling her to leave you've been replicating the abuse. Which means you are normalising the abuse - if everyone else is controlling too, why would she want to leave him? How would her life be any different? What is so wrong with being controlled if her friend does it too? You undermine your own argument by being controlling yourself.

There is a page on the Women's Aid website about how to help someone you're worried about. It also includes the point that you should never tell her to leave. It must be her decision, not yours. (Likewise, if she ever goes on the Freedom Programme herself they will never tell her to leave either.)

Maybe try compassion instead of judgement too. That will go a long way.

She has been trapped in an abusive relationship for a very long time and has a kind of Stockholm syndrome, which means that she is trauma bonded to her abuser. She is currently experiencing withdrawal from the abuse and will be craving her abuser like someone craving a hit of whatever they are addicted to. Life will feel very empty for her and she'll be wondering how she will survive without him.

Someone being abused (unless they have children) has to find their own way out of the abuse. There will be a point where something just 'switches' for her and she'll realise that she can't continue the relationship. At the moment, she is experiencing a hit or a buzz from his abusive emails. Being abused is a roller coaster of emotions and life can seem very dull without the abuse.

Getting out of an abusive relationship is complicated, in the same way that recovery after kidnapping is complicated or leaving prison after a long time is complicated. Ex prisoners are so used to asking for permission and doing everything on a schedule that they find it very hard to life outside. Some even commit crimes to go back because they can't cope.

Abuse survivors are dealing with deep feelings of shame, low self esteem, trauma and PTSD. They are often in denial and will defend their abuser because they mistake their intense feelings for love.

She is lashing out at you because she is having a hard time adjusting and she is vulnerable. She may start to self medicate or get into another abusive relationship.

Does she have kids with him?

It's so hard to explain but I'll give you my experience if it helps.

I knew my ex was treating me badly but I also believed him when he told me how rubbish I was.
I was confused when he was violent because I knew that wasn't ok and I got angry (and fought back at times) but at the same time, I was embarrassed I let that happen, I was scared of him and I was absolutely terrified of people knowing the mess I was in. I truly believed people would blame me because everyone seemed to like him.
When friends started to realise what was happening and gave me the inevitable advice to leave and said they didn't like him etc, I defended him fiercely. I needed to prove I was on his side because I was too scared to leave and if people knew what was happening, he would have taken that out on me.

When we finally split, I was divided. My sensible head appreciated the space from him and the safety I felt because my family and friends essentially closed ranks around me BUT I was so lonely, I didn't know how to be without him because he spent so long telling what to do / wear / what I liked / should eat / how I should act. I felt guilty for upsetting him and part of me was hopeful that he would change, come back to me and everything would be ok. It was a very very hard year before things eventually turned a corner.

If your friend is anywhere near as confused as I was, and you add alcohol to that mix, she's a very vulnerable person.
Maybe write / email her explaining you don't want to upset her, you'll respect her request for space, you have said what you did because you know her ex hurt her and you know she deserves better and you'll be ready when she wants to contact you. Then leave her be. As PPs said, she has to want to move forward, you can't do it for her.

Buy her a copy of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" That will tell her everything and more and you can concentrate on being her friend. It's not easy to watch someone go through this whilst you wait for them to have a lightbulb moment. With her ex not being around it's easier for her to romanticize an abusive relationship.

I also think doing the Freedom Programme online and her speaking to someone impartial like Women's Aid will help her see the situation for what it is. You can send her links and a phone number and just leave it as that for now.

She doesn’t have children with this man. She has a son (22) who has lived with his Dad full time since he was 14. Thank you for sharing your experiences and expertise it has been v helpful. I can see similarities with the dynamics of addiction and how not to enable an addict by detachment.

Traumatic bonding.

Read ‘The Body Keeps The Score’

OP The Gift of Fear by Gsvin De Beck has some interesting insight into this.

Your friend is lucky having you there, j hope she finds the courage to leave very soon

At least there's no young children caught up in all this crap.

I don't think my reply or other responses were harsh. I think tough love is needed.

BTW, i've been through it all with emotional abuse, trauma bonding and all of that stuff. It made me physically unwell and i'm currently in therapy and doing EMDR hoping to heal my body and my mind from the trauma...so I do have personal experience in this too.

I do know that women need to be ready before they leave, but it's very common that women hide all traces of abuse as best as they can before they are ready to leave. They often only tell when they want help to escape or are trying to build up strength to leave, but by the sounds of it this woman has no intention of trying to leave but will tell people about the abuse. She knows it's wrong. What does she expect her friends to say to her after it's happened a few times? There comes a point where listening to that kind of stuff is just enabling.