Help me understand the mindset of a DV victim.

[Innishh]

Trying to support my BF who has been the victim of emotional and physical DV for over 16 years. There have been many, many episodes (often alcohol related) she has left a couple of times but has gone back. This last time after a severe beating he left her and fled the country. He has been gone 9 months, still makes contact with nasty emails but she is distraught, lonely and wants him back. She has now erupted at me saying that all of my advice to leave him the first two times and block him since he left was wrong and she doesn’t want to see me again. I see that she is at the end of her tether and can’t seem to cope without him. I am shocked, confused and hurt that she has turned on me - but can weather that - more worried about her own irrational mental state and just don’t understand it. What is going on? Do I just keep my distance? Do I pick up again when the next crisis erupts?

"We accept the love we think we deserve".

Growing up as a child I watched my father beat my mother and her crying on the stairs. I've lost count of the number of times the police were called. My mother never left and they're still together (I'm 28) despite being miserable .

Subsequently the first man I got involved with didn't treat me nicely. t was 9 months of extreme ups and downs. I kept going back because I honestly believed that love was enough.That it wasn't the real him. The point in my head when enough was enough was when I told him I was suicidal and he commented on my language exam grade.

Sadly you can't really do anything until she sees that she deserves bettter.

It's like being trapped underwater but still able to breathe.

It's fuzzy, you know it's wrong, you're not sure how it's happening and you're not sure how to get out. You have occasional euphoric times.
But it's the state you're in and you somehow accept it. There's no rationale.

Women's Trust does group sessions where you can just sit and listen to others until you feel comfortable to share. They don't give an 'advice' as everyone needs to work on their healing at own pace. And they have free coffee, tea, juice, biscuits. And chocolate biscuits.

Read up on Stockholm syndrome in relation to domestic abuse, it's very sad, and many victims are never truly free.

Also "fear makes you stupid" in a physiological way.
If someone is constantly in a state of fear, there body releases lots of stress hormones (cortisols and adrenaline) putting them into a fight or flight response, in the high alert state the more primitive parts of the brain make the decisions (how can I survive today? What do I have to do not to anger him right at this moment?) and the higher intelligence areas (that would help plan for the future, or even just imagine a future) shut down. Thus decisions that may seem logical and common sense to you simple aren't featuring for your friend.

It's a tough one, just be there for her in a non judgemental way, and let her know that you will always be there for her whatever decisions she makes, so she knows she always has a safe place/person to go to, then hope for the best.

I think @cupcaske123 has it right actually. For me the switch was violence. It was the call I needed - but not the first time (I kind of discounted that in my head). I have children and I couldn’t risk that. I don’t understand why people would stay if they have kids - but they do and it’s crazy and ultimately they’re putting a man before their kids. But it’s not sane. It can’t be,

Be there for your friend.

Thank you all for the links and signposting to resources. Trauma bonding seems like an explanation.

*It might help if you apologise to her for telling her what to do, pressuring her, criticising her choices, judging her...

Maybe try compassion instead of judgement too. That will go a long way.*

Unfathomablefathoms - how have you concluded that I have behaved this way - I have always been gentle, supportive and encouraging - I have never done the tough love, straight talking as she is v fragile and vulnerable.