Help with the hardest decision I have ever faced

[Karla12]

Guys I need your opinion and advice. I’ll share something very personal so I need a confirmation that no one outside of this group can see it.

My life has always been straightforward and now it’s a complete, utter mess..

My marriage is about to end - we are separated. I want another child but can’t have it from my husband because he has autism and our only kid has autism too. And living with two autistic people has destroyed my sanity.

I met a wonderful, amazing man 6 months ago who just went through a very painful divorce (he didn’t initiate it). We have a great time and he wants to some day marry again and be happy but... he has 3 kids that he loves to death and ...doesn’t want any more.

I am heartbroken. How do I choose? Should I stay and hope he changes his mind once the divorce guilt of not seeing his kids all the time settles down, or should I end a beautiful relationship? Initially he said he’s not against having more kids, but now he says he thought more about his age (46), the siblings rivalry and how torn he will feel between his kids and a potential new family and that he’s changed his mind and doesn’t want any.

I’m also somewhat infertile (LOR) and need to do IVF so now I’m doing an egg freeze and totally unsure what to do. Can’t stop crying...

I’m also wondering if I want another kid for the right reasons. Am I trying to prove to myself that my chronic illness doesn’t define me? Is wanting to experience a healthy motherhood realistic (I have delivery induced chronic medical condition called POTS which disabled me entirely for a year and I didn’t take care of my son almost at all)? Should I worry about that again....the risk is pretty high...

So many unknowns I’m literally crying non stop.

Also I have codependency and self esteem issues and believe I’m unloveable so when this guy tells me he cares deeply but thinks I should find a man who can give me those things I completely fall apart and believe that I’m absolutely unloveable.

Will I resent this man if I stay and we never have kids? Will I regret my choice if I leave him, stay unhappy and have a kid from a stranger/donor?

What if I meet someone else later on? I can’t possibly be pregnant 3 times, it will kill me due to my medical condition...

Please help me. Give me something to think about. Give me your perspective.

I think if you have a lovely son and a lovely man you should count your blessings and try to be happy with what you have, instead of wanting what you don't. Especially with the health issues that came with the last pregnancy.
You could have a really lovely time with this guy or you could ruin it by pining for a life that isn't necessarily realistic. Your choice.

I think this is too big an issue all in one. Try breaking it down to manageable pieces. Only you know how you really feel. I wouldn’t break up with this man. Love has to be 2 ways but at least he is being honest with you. You need to be honest with him tell him how you really feel.

Just stop everything and breathe...

Take good look at your life .. do you really want to break your home?

Will the grass really be greener on the otherside?

Is IVF something you could afford?

Autism is not genetic in my very minimal understanding of it .. what if your baby has it too ..?

Knowing your medical issues is it honestly the right thing to have another kid? You will still have to raise your older child and G_d forbid the new baby has other health issues combined with your own how will you cope?

Do you have support incase you are unable to look after baby and your older child if your you have the same issues as you had with your first pregnancy & birth?

Autism is strongly genetic, but it's not entirely that simple. DH's grandfather has autism, DH does not, our oldest son has it, our youngest does not. . . It's all about what comes out in the mix.

I do not have much help to offer, OP, but I wanted to give support. We had our children close together, when DS1 was a toddler and not diagnosed. I'm glad we had two, and they get on well (DS1 is high functioning) but I wouldn't add another child to our family now- it would be a bombshell that would really blow up DS1's routine and happiness. It's very hard.

Hi Karla,
I want to respond before your post gets reported. It is incredibly hard to talk about relationships like the one with your ex here on Mumsnet without getting deleted for ablism. People who have not been through the emotional turmoil that being in a relationship with someone who has severe problems understanding interpersonal interactions and who, because of how their brain works, does not understand that they do, cannot understand what it does to you. Not all relationships with people with autism are like that but if the person has problems with empathy (not everyone does) it can destroy the partner.

You are in a situation where you’re leaving a relationship that destroyed you and during that you had a serious health problem.

I understand.

I would suggest taking a pause. You have codependency issues, you’re coming out of a relationship that broke you and into one with a man who has been severely distressed by his own former relationship. This is already a lot to contend with. I wonder if the idea of a baby is in anyway connected with the idea of putting things right and having a fresh start? I could understand if it was. Even without your health condition, adding a baby would be a massive strain at this point, but with the possibility that you will be out of action for a year when you will then have two children you need to be involved with is setting yourself up for a very difficult time.

Also I have codependency and self esteem issues and believe I’m unloveable so when this guy tells me he cares deeply but thinks I should find a man who can give me those things I completely fall apart and believe that I’m absolutely unloveable.

This is really critical. This man is being clear with you that he doesn’t want more children to the point he’s telling you to find someone else who does. But your need to be loved is causing you to hope he’ll change his mind as well as causing you extreme emotional distress. I would highly recommend saving up (if you would need to) and investing your time, energy and money in yourself first of all. Find a good therapist. Tell them you want to work on codependency and self-esteem issues and be ready to work on where they originate from. You are not the only person to feel this way and it can be at least eased. When you are able to be with someone because you actively want to be AND you’re not partly with them out of a fear of being alone, this gives you very different choices in life.

And maybe it’s underway, but if you’ve not actually divorced from your ex, you still have to get through that which will no doubt require a time and energy investment too.

Can you freeze your eggs and then see in a year or so how you feel? Give yourself time to heal, time to sort out the mess everything is in and to see how and where this relationship is going? Time to discuss all your options in depth with your doctor(s). You have been through a lot and you - like anybody else would - need time to deal with it.

And finally you also have another DC who needs to be taken into consideration. It’s very likely that a certain level of routine and predictability are important to him/her. Just because autism has caused you a lot of pain, it does not remove from you your responsibility towards the emotional health of your child who has it. Having a baby in the instability you’re currently in, both emotionally and in your relationship, isn’t really fair to your existing child. I truly know the frustration that can come along with dealing with someone with autism but that is separate to your responsibilities to your child’s development.

Take care of yourself.

so I need a confirmation that no one outside of this group can see it.

Sorry, but that's not the case. Anybody and everybody can see this and tabloids often lift content from MN and publish them as stories on their online rags.

If you are so concerned about what you have posted please ask Mumsnet to delete this thread.

I think you should get this thread deleted as stories have been taken from here and put in the press, causing great distress.

I'd suggest counselling if you can afford it. Big life changes need to be thought and talked through where possible.

It all seems very rushed. I think you should talk everything through with a counsellor or therapist.

With regard to more children, you can't guarantee you'll have a healthy or neurotypical child if you have another. What happens if you don't?

With regard to your relationship, it all seems very fast. But don't stay with the new guy if having a child is essential to you in the hopes he'll change his mind, don't do that to yourself or him.

There are no guarantees that if you have another baby it will be healthy. It could have autism/another disability. The reasons you listed for wanting another baby are not good reasons. You have a good partner and a son, I wouldn’t risk giving that up.

If you're doing an egg freeze, you have time. You don't need to decide now. You've just separated, and your new guy has too. Why not just give it a year or to see what your new life is like?

I have a severely autistic son - think 20 year old rugby player body, with a toddler's mind. No speech and still in nappies. He's often violent towards himself and others. On this journey, I have met 5-6 families who have more than one child with autism. And, dear lord, is it hard.

Your problem is, there are so many unknowns - you don't know that you will have a second child with autism or not. There are no guarantees.

I totally understand your yearning for a child that doesn't have autism, I have another son who is fine. Though he has never complained, it was tough for him, growing up in a house on high alert all the time. Poop smearing and being attacked by his brother were regular occurrences.

I had a chat with him yesterday about him keeping in touch with his brother when me and his dad are dead - that's a huge responsibility that he didn't ask to be placed on his shoulders. He said he would.

As for your new man, I don't think you can force him to change his mind and I understand his reasonings. I also understand yours too and would probably feel the same. I don't think it would be fair to push him into having another child.

I feel for you, op, I really do. Maybe counselling is a good option?

Do posters ever think about the fact that autistic people also use mumsnet? Do they think about how autistic people might feel reading something like that?

There's so much going on here OP. I think you need to separate each issue out and deal with them separately.

Firstly, with the circumstances around your health alone (forgetting everything else going on in your life right now!) I wouldn't consider ever having another child. What if you have another child with autism? What if something happens to you when you have the baby that means you can't care for both your children for 12 months again? Plus if you are going to have to go through IVF, then that just adds even more strain.

Like others have said, I think you need to focus on yourself right now. Have counseling and get to the bottom of your issues, in particular your need to have a child. This in itself could be because of your codependency issues. You will always be needed by a child.

Give yourself some time and space alone. You and your new partner have both just come out of relationships. Both of you probably aren't in the best place right now for another serious relationship.

I have chronic illness. Mine started during pregnancy and got worse when dd reached about 3. I had ivf so I had frozen embryos. I had to mourn and go through the pain of not being able to have another child as I was struggling to look after the one I had. I would probably have stopped functioning totally with a second pregnancy. I think you need therapy, not another child.

You have difficulty conceiving. I believe in listening to the body and like mine, your body seems to be telling you that you shouldn’t have another child. Coupled with this, knowing your body will probably shut down temporarily, perhaps permanently, it would be really unfair on the child you have as well as any future child.

anotherone I’m sure there are people who don’t think about it, but there are people who do. My son is autistic, and I am too, and when I see posts like this, I remember that autism is hard. Or more to the point, the way society is built makes autism hard. On the other hand if you are autistic and have intellectual and physical disabilities too, that is even tougher. I do think that it is reasonable for parents to have a safe space to voice their concerns, although I think this particular post is a little unthinking, the OP has the right to ask for help seeing her way forward. The day to day reality of being married to anyone can be exhausting, the day to day reality of raising any child can kill a marriage. Having autism in the mix makes it much harder because at the very least, society makes it so difficult.

There are no guarantees that any child you go on to have will not have some form of disability, even if that isn’t autism. (My dh and ds have autism too). I think considering all the ins and outs you’d be absolutely daft to have another baby with anyone- your health reasons alone would be enough for me to say no. I have chronic health issues and I know my dc I have are my priority. I can’t stretch myself any more than I already am in terms of coping with my illness and being a good mum to them.

Parents / spouses of autistic people are allowed to say it’s hard, and discuss concerns about having another autistic child. OP hasn’t said any more than that.

I have autistic twins who are severely impacted and I completely understand that feeling of wanting to experience parenting as others do, when your experience has been so different. My friends with NT kids can never understand what we are dealing with. I can never give each twin enough, their needs are different. I do try and fight that instinct because I don’t think it’s a good reason for me to have another child, but of course wanting one is more complex.

I would love another child, but my health is bad too and having done some research our chances of having another autistic child after already having two is around 1 in 3. We just can’t do it.

DH and I are discussing adoption at the moment, if and when things with the boys are more settled.

Personally at his age I would absolutely not want to have more children. He is being very clear with you. I think you should consider some counselling to try and break all this down and figure out what’s most important for you.

I’ll share something very personal so I need a confirmation that no one outside of this group can see it.

Good luck with that when the Daily Fail pick it up over the weekend.

this guy tells me he cares deeply but thinks I should find a man who can give me those things

I'm sorry but there's no way this won't sound harsh. He's just not that into you. He's looking for a way out and your desire for another child is his escape hatch. If he's only 6 months divorced then you're probably his rebound. I'm sorry, it sucks, I've been there.

Do posters ever think about the fact that autistic people also use mumsnet? Do they think about how autistic people might feel reading something like that?

No, of course nobody ever should write anything that may upset someone else...right?

I'm sure you thought about how your post may have upset the op or other readers who have similar experiences to the OP.

He says he doesn't want more children.

Listen to him.

Honestly OP, another child sounds like a recipe for disaster. You couldn't look after your son for a year after you had him, I imagine the next experience would be similar with the condition you have.

Enjoy the child you have and having a good man. That alone is worth so much.

How can you even consider it when you have a health condition which means it is highly likely (your words) you wouldn’t be able to care for your baby anyway?

What a sad post

Very simply...
You should focus on yourself and address your self esteem and your feelings around being unloveable.

If you want to separate from your husband then do so, but do not rush into any next steps.
Hard as it may be to hear:
A non-autistic child is not going to fix what you've got, the man you are seeing does not want a child and having one may exacerbate your existing health problems.
Further, the man you are seeing is also in the throes of a divorce, i suspect you both are likely in limerance and "using" eachother (you dream of escape, he needs a bandaid amd to forget his pain) the reality is the relationship is unlikely go the distance.

I have an amazing DH. We have 2 kids a piece. His are with us 50/50. The truth of it is that we only argue about one thing and it's the kids. We see a psychologist to help us with this and behavioral stuff as it arises. It's just not easy. Really it's not. Ex wives and husbands also make it so much harder.

We've been together for 6 years. And he's so amazing. His kids are easy. Mine are pretty good, all bright doing well.they are 11-15. But it's still not easy.

We have enough money. Can afford what we want pretty much. I still dream of winning the euro millions. But it's still not easy.

So no rush. No decisions. But 4 kids is a lot. And I can't wait for them to be grown up and responsible for themselves as then the (cheating, lying) ex wife will be out of my life.

On one path you have a relationship and a son.

One the other path you are single, going through ivf to achieve a pregnancy that will exacerbate your medical condition and leave you a single parent to two children, at least one of whom has challenging additional needs.

It would be an easy choice for me.