Help with the hardest decision I have ever faced

[Karla12]

Guys I need your opinion and advice. I’ll share something very personal so I need a confirmation that no one outside of this group can see it.

My life has always been straightforward and now it’s a complete, utter mess..

My marriage is about to end - we are separated. I want another child but can’t have it from my husband because he has autism and our only kid has autism too. And living with two autistic people has destroyed my sanity.

I met a wonderful, amazing man 6 months ago who just went through a very painful divorce (he didn’t initiate it). We have a great time and he wants to some day marry again and be happy but... he has 3 kids that he loves to death and ...doesn’t want any more.

I am heartbroken. How do I choose? Should I stay and hope he changes his mind once the divorce guilt of not seeing his kids all the time settles down, or should I end a beautiful relationship? Initially he said he’s not against having more kids, but now he says he thought more about his age (46), the siblings rivalry and how torn he will feel between his kids and a potential new family and that he’s changed his mind and doesn’t want any.

I’m also somewhat infertile (LOR) and need to do IVF so now I’m doing an egg freeze and totally unsure what to do. Can’t stop crying...

I’m also wondering if I want another kid for the right reasons. Am I trying to prove to myself that my chronic illness doesn’t define me? Is wanting to experience a healthy motherhood realistic (I have delivery induced chronic medical condition called POTS which disabled me entirely for a year and I didn’t take care of my son almost at all)? Should I worry about that again....the risk is pretty high...

So many unknowns I’m literally crying non stop.

Also I have codependency and self esteem issues and believe I’m unloveable so when this guy tells me he cares deeply but thinks I should find a man who can give me those things I completely fall apart and believe that I’m absolutely unloveable.

Will I resent this man if I stay and we never have kids? Will I regret my choice if I leave him, stay unhappy and have a kid from a stranger/donor?

What if I meet someone else later on? I can’t possibly be pregnant 3 times, it will kill me due to my medical condition...

Please help me. Give me something to think about. Give me your perspective.

You’ve only known the man 6 months .....

I agree with those who say another DC could potentially be disastrous. You sound very unwell and also the your desire for another DC is to have a “normal” child/mothering experience - but there is really no such thing . EVERY child brings its unique set of fabulous and challenging traits. I think you need to re focus on what you do have and how you can live a happier life without the OM and other DC.

I think you need to give yourself some space and time to grieve your first marriage before making any decisions on what to do next.

@Karla12

I’ll share something very personal so I need a confirmation that no one outside of this group can see it.

You're clearly new to Mumsnet. As PP have pointed out, this is a pubic forum and anyone and everyone can read your post. This isn't a group!

If you're concerned about this, then contact MNHQ either by reporting your post or by email - [email protected]

My advice? Focus on your own health (physical and emotional) before even trying to conceive.

Hah! Sorry. This isn't a pubic forum, it's a public one .

Goodness no don't have another dc.

Your current BF couldn't be clearer about his position so good for him for not stringing you along.

Why don’t you do your egg freeze to give you time and then go get counselling for all the other issues. Based on your post you really should be in weekly counselling sessions right now. You sound very confused and vulnerable

Four children should be enough for any couple. Learn to love your potential step-children, they deserve it. And maybe have counselling to come to terms with your not very rational (given your health and history) desire for another child yourself.

This is one of the most selfish things I’ve ever read.

Surely your priority now should be your child and getting them accustomed to all these changes, and your health, instead of introducing a new man you barely now and a potential pregnancy?

He doesn't want to have anymore kids. Believe him when he says this.

Don't gave anymore kids. Your head and body are not in the right place.

Focus on your son and your mental health.

I'm sorry but there's no way this won't sound harsh. He's just not that into you.

Or maybe, just maybe (and I realise this is Mumsnet, wherein all men are cheating bastards even if they haven't all cheated yet) he just doesn't want any more children. He's got three, and he's 46. Maybe he's making a sensible decision based on not wanting to go through the whole baby experience again at his age. Maybe he thinks that three children from one person is more than enough for the planet.

Thank you, everyone - I value every opinion, even if I disagree with it.

First - I don’t want another kid today. It’s too soon. But I want to know there is an OPTION down the line, not a firm no. It’s hard to tell if his judgement is clouded from post divorce dad guilt or it’s real.

Then my kid - he has a wonderful father. He is a good man, just not my person. My son will always be taken care of by me, but even if something went wrong with a potential pregnancy I can always count on his biological father.

Blended family - yes, great idea -but how do I make myself trust that we will be together forever, what if we separate and I’m alone and childless down the line? And my son won’t have a sibling...

Yes, I am chronically ill but sometimes a maternal instinct is stronger than us. I’m just not sure if it’s for the right reasons.

Additionally - my boyfriend is pulling away now and it’s so hard to stay away and give him space. I don’t know if I should be supportive or just rip off the bandaid and suffer...

And yes - I am in weekly counseling but it isn’t helping much. :(

If you have another baby and can't care for it or your son is there not a chance you could end up with your ex as your son's main carer? I think the risk of poor health following the birth is enough not to do it.

Yes, I am chronically ill but sometimes maternal instinct is stronger than us

This is the stage to be an adult. I had to not have unprotected sex in case I got pregnant naturally. It was horrible that I had to not to go through ivf and try again with one of my 5 frozen embryos. It was heart breaking letting them be destroyed. The strong desire and ache in every fibre of your body to have another child is absolutely understandable. Acting on it no. Just no.

If counselling isn’t working, what isn’t? Is it because it’s early days? Is it because you’re holding back? Is it because you aren’t gelling with the therapist or maybe they’re too young / inexperienced / not on the same intellectual plane?

And yes - I am in weekly counseling but it isn’t helping much. :(
That's a shame. Have you discussed aims with the counsellor? Depending on how long you've been going it may be a good idea to let him/her know that you're feeling you're getting far, or it's a much slower process than you wanted/expected.

It often IS a slow process btw for things that aren't a single-issue, which sounds like your situation. However, it's totally ok to discuss this with the therapist - you won't offend them(unless they're a crap therapist - that would be a good test!) because there may be ways they can change things to help you feel like you're getting more from it in the short term, or reassure you that you've maybe done more than you realise.