AIBU to expect DH to spend as much time with family as his business partner does

[suburbansusan]

My DH runs a business with a business partner. The business demands long hours, 7 days a week.
Recently DH and I have been falling out a lot, and I mean, we're on the brink of divorce. Because since his business partner (BP) has started a family, he is starting to work less hours and my DH is having to do more.
Examples. My husband is first to the office at the morning before the rest of the team get in. He is then the last to leave after his team have gone. His BP arrives a couple of hours later and always leaves a couple of hours earlier than DH. DH then brings work home with him, but when he rings BP to discuss plans for the next day he is always 'watching TV' despite my DH working away.
The reason I am frustrated is because we have two small children, and my DH just doesn't spend the time with them and his BP gets to spend lots of time with them. And I just really feel it's not fair. It's causing arguments because I'm constantly going on at DH about it. I don't know what to do about it. It's breaking my heart though. DH has said tonight I must stop talking about it now and it's lead to a very explosive rant towards me. Do I give up, and stay married to him. Knowing that he's working double hard for another family whilst they take advantage of his hard work. Or do I walk away?

Why would you threaten divorce over what is a business partner taking advantage of your husband? Your husband is the victim, not the cause of the situation.
Realistically, what can he do? If he cuts out the business partner, then he takes on yet more work. The best he can do is find another partner and then slowly ease the lazy one out. Or sell his share of the business and start over.

I'd never really thought about him being the victim. More about me and the children being the victims. I feel like if he just spoke to his BP and asked him to do more that things would be different. But I think deep down he loves running the show and loves being in proper control, just having the safety net of the BP to fall back on and someone to make big decisions with. The problem then comes with them both taking the same salary, which means he earns less money per hour than his BP if you work out hours, which isn't fair and more importantly he doesn't see as much of his wife and children as his BP sees of his and I feel that we are missing out and being sacrificed for the sake of the business. Am I being totally unreasonable? Or does this seem OK - I just don't know.

He's not working doubly hard for another family. He's working for his business for his own satisfaction and ambition. It's no good misplacing the blame onto the business partner.

So do you think I just put up with it? or try and get him to change? Or get the situation to change. I get that he loves what he does. But I just feel like he's doing what he loves - his BP is getting a free ride and a good salary and I don't see my husband or get any help with the kids. It's me and the DC that loses out and everyone else is happy....

Your problem is a workaholic DH. That's unlikely to change as he doesn't want to.

DH could be delegating work to other people, asking his partner to do more hours, employing someone else to take up the slack, working smarter, etc etc, but he chooses to work more. And you know he's loving it. So really it's not about the partner at all.

Ok. Thanks for the advice. Guess I've just got it all completely wrong. Which kinda makes it worse as now I just feel like he would rather be working than with his family. 😢😢

I disagree category about the OPs DH being a workaholic because this is a recent change in his working hours because of a business partner who is no longer pulling his weight. If he were a workaholic he would have always worked these ridiculous hours.
A business takes a certain number of hours to run. If the OPs DH doesn’t take up the slack, the business fails and two families lose significant income.
The business partner is obviously being lazy. Do you really think the DH hasn’t asked the business partner to do more? He’s calling him at home after work which means yes he has asked him.
And when you run a business many things cannot be delegated to others. Which is why OP and her DH should discuss bringing on a 3rd partner or selling their share of the business and moving on. The business partner is absolutely taking advantage of the DH and OP.

I can see this divides opinion but I personally think DH is choosing to work harder/longer and BP has just put boundaries in place.

But I can see it the other way too.

What would happen if DH stepped back from the evening work?

You do need to help the situation change OP. You are all victims...DH, you and the children. It can’t continue.
DH will love his work because that is necessary to even want to start a business and make a success of it. He probably doesn’t want the business to fail. When taking on the work of others who are slacking, it is like fighting a fire you have no time for long term planning. It’s just rushing from one thing to another, eat, sleep, repeat.
I don’t know your qualifications, but another option is for you to be added to the business pay roll and start taking on some of the work as well? Are your children nursery age so you could work for a few half days a week?
I agree it is unfair your DH is putting more in for the same salary.
I think talking with your DH and saying the situation is unfair on him and you and must change for his health and your marriage and his relationship with his children and that you will do anything to help it change is a more positive way to handle this. Hammer out a plan together.

But, Record, the two men always worked long hours, 7 days a week. Which is unsustainable.
The partner has dropped hours to get some work/life balance (quite rightly, young family etc).
OP's DH has chosen to do more rather than seek an alternative way of doing things. Op states that she believes her DH loves running the show and being in control. He blows up when challenged about it. That says workaholic to me.

BP had family as a priority so wasnt going to be working long hours meaning he couldn't father his kids. That isnt a priority for your DH. He just brings home the money. My husband makes it clear to his employer/clients/partners that he works hours that mean he can father his kids.

He's a bitch too because he will brag to his colleague's/employer's partners about him having both the right to work hours that suit his family and the desire to do so strongly insinuating that their partner just doesn't want to.

I agree with @category12 that your DH sounds like a workaholic OP.

I have very similar issues with my DH, he's a workaholic too. I've realised recently that he works like he does because he WANTS to, he loves work more than me. It's a sad but true realisation.

I doubt your DH will change, so now it's up to you to decide what you want to do and if you want to stay with him.

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I think it’s presuming a lot to think the worst case of a workaholic who doesn’t care about his family. OP loves and married him for good reasons.

I don't think this is the BP's fault, DP is certainly not a victim. DP has made a choice to give more time to the business. He could choose to scale back his involvement, as BP has but he prefers not to. If he did however, that may well affect the way the business provides for your family, so the "reasonableness" of DP's behaviour will largely depend on whether that would be acceptable to you.

Who says he doesn't care about his family? Obsessive behaviour wouldn't mean he doesn't care about them or invalidate OP's reasons for marrying him. Hell, she might have been attracted to him because he was hard-working etc. But it's different living with it long-term, especially when you have dc, and it can creep up/worsen.

And it's no point deflecting her dissatisfaction onto the business partner, who is doing the right thing by his family by getting life/work balance, when she can't influence that. Her Dh is where the issue lies for her.

He has a business to run and is responsible for the jobs of others. He is doing what he needs to.

Not sure why anyone would threaten divorce for somebody having such a decent work ethic presumably you benefit a great deal.

Is the business skills based? Could you cut out the business partner, you become the other partner and hire a nanny to look after the kids?

Sounds like the BP has his work/life balance right, and you DH doesn't

Thanks everyone for the comments. I agree with so many things here. I do think he's a workaholic. When we met it certainly was his hard work and ambition that attracted me to him. But a decade ago his business was half the size, and therefore it wasn't quite as busy, or maybe I just didn't notice as much as I was busy myself, working and plans after work etc. A bit different to my SAHM life now. I am going to try and get involved in the business, go on the payroll etc. My worry is that we will end up doing even more of the lions share together and then his BP doing even less.
I also agree that I can't really knock BP for having the right work / life balance. After all it's what I'm saying I want more of. I just feel there needs to be a bit more of a balance as currently BP has too much and we don't have enough.
He has at least apologised to me today for the way he spoke to me last night. He says he was just so tired..... (I didn't think it was the time to point out he was tired because he's doing too much and someone else isn't doing enough 😂🙈)
Argh. I do really love him though and the divorce thing is a real last resort. But I never want that It to get to that. The problem is I think he knows I'll never leave him (have always been Besotted with him) and that's possibly why he thinks he can get away with whatever he wants. I should also point out that walking away or buying BP out is totally not an option for the next five years as he wants to push on this business and then start another. He's made that very clear. Which i respect his decision.

Initially I thought the BP was your issue but he is just being sensible and getting it right
Your husband is choosing to separate himself from family life and telling you how it would be because you are besotted with him (an age gap by any chance)

No - no age gap. And I support myself financially, I have my own business interests and before raising the children had a very good career in London. Because of that I chose to stay at home. This is I guess why I get riled, because my husband and I work so hard (him at work, me at home with the children to support him (he doesn't do a thing with the children or around the house) whereas BP makes and has breakfast for his children before coming to work and most of the time is home to have dinner with them. Mine goes to work before children are up and is back after bedtime.
I'm not really sure what the problem is: Me, my DH or his BP and worst of all I don't know how to fix it. But it is eating me up and causing argument after argument.

Your DH

Is it worth inviting the BP & his wife over for dinner and discussing as a 4-some?

Explain that now BP is putting in less hours, should the business be less 50-50 & more 60-40 (or whatever the hourly equivalent would be) or does BP want to step up and do half again?

It affects you and BP wife as well. She may find his support at home more valuable than financial income for example and be happy to reduce his salary along with his hours or they might want the money and realise BP needs to put in more hours.

@Hooferdoofer37 this is a really good idea. Maybe we need to do this ASAP to see what everyone does want and set out a five year plan.
@ComeTheFuck0nBridget your message resonated with me, I feel for you. Can I ask, how do you deal with it? Is it a case of put up and shut up? have you spoken to DH about it?