AIBU to expect DH to spend as much time with family as his business partner does

[suburbansusan]

My DH runs a business with a business partner. The business demands long hours, 7 days a week.
Recently DH and I have been falling out a lot, and I mean, we're on the brink of divorce. Because since his business partner (BP) has started a family, he is starting to work less hours and my DH is having to do more.
Examples. My husband is first to the office at the morning before the rest of the team get in. He is then the last to leave after his team have gone. His BP arrives a couple of hours later and always leaves a couple of hours earlier than DH. DH then brings work home with him, but when he rings BP to discuss plans for the next day he is always 'watching TV' despite my DH working away.
The reason I am frustrated is because we have two small children, and my DH just doesn't spend the time with them and his BP gets to spend lots of time with them. And I just really feel it's not fair. It's causing arguments because I'm constantly going on at DH about it. I don't know what to do about it. It's breaking my heart though. DH has said tonight I must stop talking about it now and it's lead to a very explosive rant towards me. Do I give up, and stay married to him. Knowing that he's working double hard for another family whilst they take advantage of his hard work. Or do I walk away?

@Quartz2208 I don't think your message sent properly?

Go back 35 years, and you could be talking about my Dad.
They sat down, and looked at what hours needed covering, and how that could be achieved with some form of life balance.
So, Dad did ALL the M-F openings (7am).
Business partner agreed to always be there until lock up at 6pm M-F. If someone wanted to work later, they locked up.
BP had every Tuesday morning off. Dad had every Tuesday afternoon off. Nothing important got arranged for Tuesdays!!!
They worked alternative weekends (tho shorter hours than during the week - maybe 9-4) and if you needed "your" weekend off for any reason, it needed to be agreed way in advance - our wedding was booked for Dads weekend off.
This "cast in stone" agreement has worked for them, and has given them a degree of planable time off.
Your DH probably is a bit of a workaholic - it's partly what makes successful small business people. But he also needs to get a balance. Currently that bakance isnt right, but it needs both of the business partners to resolve it - I'm assuming your DH isnt staying back doing stuff that isnt needed!

No your DH has the issue he probably believes that unless he is there the business will suffer and things can’t get done without him rather than realising that his family is going on without him his wife is unhappy and his children don’t know him
His business partner looks like he isn’t there enough when actually he probably does the required hours a week

As with all the best advice this is absolutely pot kettle.

Is your DH definitely effective working those hours? Is there no element of presenteeism? It's hard without knowing what sort of business it is, but is the BP less effective working the hours he is doing? I would worry that speaking to him/his wife might start all manner of a row which you absolutely don't want

He's not working doubly hard for another family. He's working for his business for his own satisfaction and ambition. It's no good misplacing the blame onto the business partner.

This with bells on.

Your H’s BP prioritises family life more than your H.

I would not get involved in the business or put myself on the payroll at all. From what you have said that would be a recipe for disaster!

Your H’s BP prioritises family life more than your H.

I think you mean the BP prioritises watching TV more. After all, that is what he is doing every evening OPs H calls him while working. Not really fathering or family life is it? Watching the television.

Depends, is he enjoying a bit of Emmerdale with his wife after dinner while the kids play before bed? Or maybe watching the 9pm drama with his wife after the kids are in bed? Me and hubby watch a shitload of telly together.

Has the balance of work switched? You say his BP has started to work less hours to start a family so your H is picking up more. Was it previously that BP was picking up more as you had children and BP didn’t?

@suburbansusan

I’ve accepted things for what they are, for the most part. He does love me, I know he does. He is a good husband when he’s here, and obviously I do benefit financially from his work. It used to cause arguments at the beginning but I don’t bother now, it doesn’t change things, just upsets us both.

That being said it’s definitely not easy sometimes. I can be very lonely, we don’t have any children yet as I’m struggling to conceive. I get fed up of being the one doing 98% of the domestic work all the time, despite working full time.

I sometimes think if I could go back to the start knowing what I know now, I don’t know if I would have chosen this. We do have a really nice life together outside of his work, but it’s so all consuming. I work for him too (I saw you mentioned you’re thinking of doing that) and I don’t really enjoy it that much.

I do go back and forth about whether I’m happy or not but ultimately I always choose to stay because I just love him so much.