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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you leave?

35 replies

reallyneedsadvice · 31/10/2019 17:38

99% of the time my partner is wonderful, fantastic dad, so helpful around the house and works hard to provide for us. But every 2-3 months, usually on a pay day, he disappears off in my car and takes cocaine, gambles and doesn't come home for hours. He refuses to answer his phone during these times, but always comes home with his tail between his legs, crying and full of apologies, he'll never do it again etc. Well tonight is one of these times, I haven't heard from him for hours and the kids are patiently waiting for daddy to carve their pumpkins with them (DCs are 10,5 and 7 weeks old)
I'm so so disappointed, every time I threaten that the relationship is over, but I always end up forgiving him, I really am at the end of my teather with it all and really am considering not allowing him back in the house tonight when he eventually turns up, wwyd?

OP posts:
Brakebackcyclebot · 31/10/2019 17:40

Sorry this is happening OP.

Me, I couldn't live with this so I'd have to end it.

mbosnz · 31/10/2019 17:49

Well it's unanimous in this household.

(I hope you don't mind, I shared your post with my DH and DD(14).

What a . . . insert rude word here.

That is ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. He's done this when you have a 7 week old, and you have to try and make up for your husband's deliquencies for the two older ones on Halloween. And he's taken your car?

I hope it's bloody cold where you are, and that you don't let him in the house when he gets home. Shove a blanket out the door if you're feeling generous. He can sleep in the damned car. Hang on. He's drugged driving?

Doggybiccys · 31/10/2019 17:52

Yes as by not leaving you are inadvertently enabling this shocking and childish behaviour. Appreciate it must be hard though but the 99% isn’t “wonderful” - it’s called being a parent/partner/ decent human being. You shouldn’t need to feel grateful for that.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 31/10/2019 17:53

Yes I’d leave.

Original poster
reallyneedsadvice · 31/10/2019 17:54

I really really hope he's not drug driving, although he must have in the past, he usually arrives home in the car, he has abandoned it once or twice tho, it's the fact of how brilliant he is when he's not on one of these benders that making me doubt leaving him, he is such a good dad normally, but I am so anti drugs I don't know why I have let this go on so long, so scared to be a single mother of three

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyneedsadvice · 31/10/2019 17:56

Taking the car really upsets me too (he doesn't have his own car) as my 5 year old is type 1 diabetic, and I worry if there is an emergency and I don't have my car

OP posts:
FavouriteSoul · 31/10/2019 18:00

This has to be the last time he does this, or the marriage is over. Don't be blinded by his tears and contrition. He's letting you down, he letting his children down, he's letting himself down. Don't forgive and forget this time. He has to acknowledge that he has a problem and seek help to address it.

mbosnz · 31/10/2019 18:02

Taking the car really upsets me too (he doesn't have his own car) as my 5 year old is type 1 diabetic, and I worry if there is an emergency and I don't have my car

What the ACTUAL fuck? I'm sorry, but this is unforgivable!

As a single mother of three, you would have certainty. Certainty of access to your car, your children would have more or the same certainty of their father living up to his parental obligations.

However, it's a huge step. I wouldn't take it lightly. Particularly not with a 7 week old.

I would suggest making sure he cannot get in when he gets home, leaving a note on the door telling him to sleep it off in the car, and that this time, he's gone too far.

Scare the living hell out of him.

And get any keys to your car off him, and keep them. It's your damned car, that he's likely to total. If he had a smash when drugged driving, it could be possible that the insurance company could void the claim. Does he drink as well?

Original poster
reallyneedsadvice · 31/10/2019 18:06

He doesn't drink to excess, a few cans some nights that's all, I'm scared to be on my own, don't think I could cope financially for a start, but every time he does this it kills me inside, wish he wasn't so great the rest of the time and the decision would be a much easier one.

OP posts:
Candle1000 · 31/10/2019 18:06

You need to look to the future , this is sporadic at the moment but it could escalate, is this what you want for your children ? For you ?

I’d definitely leave x

Doggybiccys · 31/10/2019 18:07

Sorry to bang on about this but he’s not great most of the time - that should be expected as normal in a partnership. You really do deserve more OP Flowers

mbosnz · 31/10/2019 18:08

By the way, my sister did the lock out in the middle of winter to my brother in law. With some success. (Although as a kid it was a bit distressing to witness, which could be an issue with your three).

You do need to be angry with him. And completely unmoved by his tears, apologies and promises.

Original poster
reallyneedsadvice · 31/10/2019 18:09

He has gone to counselling for addiction in the past but had never stuck at it, always says he feels better, would never do it again etc, claims it's not an addiction as he only does it every couple of months not every day, I can't understand why he would put me through al this worry and stress, the last time he did it I was 39 weeks pregnant and he promised that was the last time, would never do it to me with a baby, this only started about 2 years ago, been together 12 years

OP posts:
mbosnz · 31/10/2019 18:15

It doesn't matter whether it's an addiction or not. It's not okay. Not ever. Not taking your car when you have a child with a serious health issue, not answering your calls or texts, letting your kids down, spending money on drugs that I bet you cannot afford at this time with a newborn, scaring you out of your senses. Leaving you to deal with all the children on your own, who are going to be increasingly aware of your distress and his abandonment of his responsibilities.

How would he feel if you did it to him?

rvby · 31/10/2019 18:18

Going out on a Halloween bender, nice. Hanging out with pretty girls wearing costumes with a snout full of blow in some bar or party, no doubt. While the kids wait at home.

What a revolting person. And with a diabetic child and newborn at home.

OP hes clearly showing you with his actions how little he thinks of you and the kids. Honestly. You may as well get it over with and end the marriage? He did this 8 weeks ago as well? Why bother. What is the point of someone this horrible and pathetic?

ukgift2016 · 31/10/2019 18:22

Why did you have a third child with this man?

You knew he had seriously issues so why?

mbosnz · 31/10/2019 18:22

I also would not be texting or trying to call him. You know what he's doing. You know how this plays out. Don't play to your part of the script.

Does he have life insurance? I always found that if someone was uncontactable, a nice cool, 'it's okay honey, I've been calculating how much life insurance you've got, and what I'll do with it', really tends to give them a bit of a start.

Innishh · 31/10/2019 18:30

Addition is not defined by the frequency or quantity of substance (or behaviour) - it is defined by the impact it has on the relationships of those around you. He is in a bender or a binge - doesn’t matter if that is once a year, once a week or every day - he has abandoned you and your DCs. He has left you in a vulnerable situation without the car and devastated the DCs on one of the most exciting days of their childhood.

What addiction therapy was he being treated for before drugs and gambling? Why does he need the car?

How much is his habit costing our family financially - do you know if he has secret debt? My BF cleared her coke head partners debts year after year - but he still ran up another £80K and she sold her home to pay this off. Mistake.

His best chance in life now is to reach rock bottom - he needs the full consequences to hit him smack in the face. That is the only way he might turn around.

You hold the key here. You need to get him to leave. He needs to lose his home, marriage, DCs and newborn. He needs to go on a programme and be clean for a year and maybe then you can reestablish your family life.

If you don’t do this he will continue the downward spiral. All addictions are a progressive disease - he has had treatment before - was it worse then? If so it’s on it s way back there.

Your precious new born and your DCs do not need their DM preoccupied, worried, stressed about their Dad - they need you fully emotionally present - because they only have you - he isn’t emotionally or physically present.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/10/2019 18:36

Do not underestimate the impact on your DC if you stay with him.

Yes I would leave. My kids would deserve better than this. I know it’s tough. Seek some advice from women’s aid. Make a plan. Flowers

quincejamplease · 31/10/2019 18:37

How could he do that when you were 39 weeks pregnant? Because he doesn't care about the impact on you.

You know he's making false promises. Just like your empty threats to leave.

What about the impact this is having on your children? He's not a good dad; this behaviour is incompatible with being a decent parent because he's trashing any "good" he may appear to do in the intervening weeks.

quincejamplease · 31/10/2019 18:38

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

madcatladyforever · 31/10/2019 18:45

My friend put up with this for 28 years, it totally destroyed her life.
Don't be that woman.
She recently chucked him out and said its the first time she's been happy in almost 30 years.
This is often how it ends sadly so you need to do some serious thinking now.

IsItChristmas · 31/10/2019 18:56

I would like to think that I'd have the courage to leave, yes. That's the only thing you can do. It's not optional. You have to do it for the kids. But I'd also be very afraid that I would possibly never master the courage to leave - it would be excruciatingly hard with 3 children, for a long time. Good luck. The only thing stronger than fear? It's hope.

Crazycatperson · 31/10/2019 19:01

Do you know what he does when he's not with you? I know you mentioned gambling - is he at a casino? Is he alone?
I wouldn't let him in tonight when he comes home. He's got to realise there's consequences to his actions otherwise he'll never change.
Then talk tomorrow about him getting counselling.

Thehouseintheforest · 31/10/2019 19:07

You call him your 'DP' .. been with him 12 yrs with a 10 . 5 yr old (and 7 month baby) whom he 'provides for' ... PLEASE tell us you are married ???

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