Would you leave?

[reallyneedsadvice]

99% of the time my partner is wonderful, fantastic dad, so helpful around the house and works hard to provide for us. But every 2-3 months, usually on a pay day, he disappears off in my car and takes cocaine, gambles and doesn't come home for hours. He refuses to answer his phone during these times, but always comes home with his tail between his legs, crying and full of apologies, he'll never do it again etc. Well tonight is one of these times, I haven't heard from him for hours and the kids are patiently waiting for daddy to carve their pumpkins with them (DCs are 10,5 and 7 weeks old)
I'm so so disappointed, every time I threaten that the relationship is over, but I always end up forgiving him, I really am at the end of my teather with it all and really am considering not allowing him back in the house tonight when he eventually turns up, wwyd?

Unfortunately OPs previous post has indicated that her partner has never stuck with counselling. Apart from this, its not her job to organise this or talk to him about being counselled. OPs best course of action is to end the relationship properly and see it through this time rather than backtrack and keep on taking him back (perhaps because its easier/she knows no different/she is afraid of being on her own).

Innishh's point here to you reallyneedsadvice is importand for you to hear so bears repeating:-
"Your precious new born and your DCs do not need their DM preoccupied, worried, stressed about their Dad - they need you fully emotionally present - because they only have you - he isn’t emotionally or physically present".

Are you married to this man?.

What is the situation here re the property and finacnes?

OP the reason he keeps doing this over and over is because you allow him to. I'm not being mean here. You've threatened him and not followed through each time so he knows you will forgive him again. He will continue to do this as long as you let him.
As previous posters have said, you are not giving your DC your full attention at these times because you are more worried about where he is, what he's doing and with whom.
Everyone is scared to be alone but many do it and realise its actually ok. Imagine a life where you don't have to sit by the phone, wondering when he'll come home?

I'd leave too. The tears are fake because he never follows through with not repeating the behaviour.

It's so immature and disrespectful. He's had too many chances to fix this and has done nothing.

I'm 50/ 50. I don't think it's a definite LTB because he is great 99% of time, but he really really needs to see that this is not ok and never do it again. At least until the kids have left home. It is really out of order, but can possibly be sorted without throwing it all away.

The 99% thing isn’t really sustainable though. A great analogy that I read on here recently was about a cup of tea - that it was 99% tea and 1% dog shit stirred in - doesn’t make it tolerable at all.

Also the “1%” bad behaviour isn’t confined to the 1% of time it happens. It pollutes the other 99% or time.....the weeks of anxiety, walking on eggs shells and preoccupation waiting for it to happen again - not knowing when - the overwhelming turmoil for you all when it does happen and then the days and days of comedown, anger, frustration clearing up the mess (money, hangover etc) when he turns up.

Too much toxic dog shit in the life....

You have a 7 week old baby.
You have a child with diabetes
And he fucks off on a bender, knowing how upset it will make you.

He does not respect you and he does not care about you and he’s
not a great dad or partner.

You need to start making plans to break up with him, you’ve given him enough chances and he’s shown you what his priorities are.

i had to leave my partner of 5 years because of his addictions. he threw away everything we had for the sake of cans of fucking carlsberg and a running tick with some albanians. i cashed in my pension (disabled) to clear his debts, took out a loan, and nothing changed because he didn’t change.

unless your partner is willing to commit to recovery (and as a pp said, addiction is defined by consequences not substance) i would be calling this a day. he will never change if nothing changes. every time you forgive him, you give him permission to do it again. it will become more frequent, and you can bet your car insurance premium that he’s drug driving.

you cannot save an addict. they can only save themselves, and unless rock bottom is a very, very unpleasant place, few will.

source: recovering alcoholic, 5.5 years sober

exWife what a powerful post. I hope that your life is brighter now?

What it shows though is all addicts are on a slippery slope, YOU can keep throwing everything at it (pension, loans FFS) in the hope that this will be the last time, but all YOU are doing is giving it extra life - YOU are enabling. Boundaries and consequences need to come in much much earlier.

What did you do when he came home, OP?