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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Newly pregnant, just found out partner cheated

35 replies

Redrum2009 · 31/10/2019 15:22

i found out I am pregnant then not long after found that my boyfriend had slept with his ex behind my back (very recently) he’s saying he wants nothing to do with the baby (he has 4 kids) I’m so utterly torn as to what to do going forward, I already have a 10 yr old to another relationship. Has anyone else been in this situation? He wants us to work things out but not with a baby in tow, but I feel I terminate the pregnancy and we end for good regardless. My head is mashed and I’m struggling to make any decisions right now how can I raise a baby alone?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 31/10/2019 15:23

I'm really sorry. If it's really early days then I would terminate the pregnancy and have nothing more to do with this man.

Thegracefuloctopus · 31/10/2019 15:26

Take a deep breathe. This is your body, your baby and your decision.
Your partner has done wrong and only you know if you can forgive and move on from that. From this brief summary though, he doesn't sound like the nicest and most reliable.
Have a think about your finances and the practicalities of raising a child alone.
Sort your relationship seperatly from the decision about the baby. Good luck op, it will all work out in the end no matter what you do

OhDeari · 31/10/2019 15:26

I wouldn't recommend being a single parent tbh. You're presumably early enough stages that they could do the less invasive version of a termination which is just medication I believe?

Happyspud · 31/10/2019 15:27

I can only tell you what I’d do and that’s terminate and kick him to the kerb. I wouldn’t want that physical and emotional tie to that man for the rest of my life and that’s what a baby would mean.

Pinkbonbon · 31/10/2019 15:30

I would terminate. Both of them.

A man who blackmails you into an abortion or he'll leave you, is not a man - but a beast.

Having a kid with him would tie you to the beast for life.

Abort... the whole shit show.

PurpleDaisies · 31/10/2019 15:30

Most likely, you will terminate and then he will dump you.

You need to decide (possibly with the help of a counsellor) whether you want to be a single parent.

Blossie0 · 31/10/2019 15:31

If you feel you could do it on your own then go for it. Have you got a good support system? The baby could be a blessing to you in this absolute mess of a situation. Have nothing more to do with that waste of space though. Weigh up all your options carefully. Good luck.

TowelNumber42 · 31/10/2019 15:31

There are two separate things here:

being in a relationship with him
having a baby.
He has cheated. You don't have a relationship. He wants to work it out which I presume means you shutting up about his cheating and you having an abortion, thus making you the nice easy good enough for now girlfriend he wants. Get rid.
Do you desperately want another child? If so keep it. If you desperately want a comfy family unit then see (1) and remind yourself that you will be doing it alone.

ScreamingLadySutch · 31/10/2019 15:32

I would end the pregnancy and end it with him. But that is me.
To be a convenience and now resented, and bring an unwanted child? - No. There is too much pain in the world, already.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 31/10/2019 15:37

I would terminate and dump him too. Move on with your life solo.

Jiggerypokery1986 · 31/10/2019 15:37

This was me.
After a few weeks he apologised and said he wanted the baby. I took him back.
He did it again later in the pregnancy.
I'm a single mum.
It's very hard.
Sometimes he's bothered about his child. Sometimes he's not.
He hasn't managed to keep the baby relationship and ours separate. And I find it very hard.
I'm resentful that I do everything. That his life hasn't changed, that he can still do exactly what he wants.
I wonder how he can't be interested in such a perfect little human.
I hate it.
DD and I are a team, I love her dearly. But I feel guilty most days that I had her, not in a loving relationship. And it's hard trying to bring her up when I do not trust her dad whatsoever.
No disrespect to other single mums. That's just how I feel.

Giving you a hand hold.

The decision is yours. But I wouldn't trust this man. If you have the baby you will go through a lot of heartache.
If I had my time again I wouldnt be writing this from this perspective.
Take your time and make your decision wisely

Babochan88 · 31/10/2019 15:46

You don't need to terminate a child. Out of a horrible situation beauty has come forth. I am so so sorry this has happened. I know someone in your same situation, he was cheating on her with loads of different girls. She kept the child and is incredibly happy.

Original poster

Redrum2009 · 31/10/2019 16:08

Thank you all for your messages, I do have great support around me, I am financially stable and have enough room for the unborn child. It is early days but I already feel incredibly attached, but I have by no means been taking care of myself since finding out about him cheating. Sometimes I pray for a miscarriage just to take the hard decision making away and this makes me feel like the most vile person Thing is it’s all over social media thanks to him and his ex and I feel now everyone where we lives knows about me so I’m damned no matter what I do.
The battle between my head and my heart right now is unreal, I worry it’s gonna finish me off.
I don’t know what the future holds for us a couple but now i have absolutely no reason to be with him, he wants us but without a baby, I want the baby without us but I was terribly ill with my daughter during my pregnancy and who will I have to help me if I get sick again?

OP posts:

dreichsky · 31/10/2019 16:10

You need to consider what works for you.
The only option I cannot see working is having a termination and continuing your relationship.
Personally I would terminate and no further contact with DP.
But I know people who are perfectly happy as single parents.

Interestedwoman · 31/10/2019 16:12

So sorry you're going through such a rough time :(

'I want the baby without us but I was terribly ill with my daughter during my pregnancy and who will I have to help me if I get sick again?'

He's not going to be someone who will help you anyway, so getting rid of him is no loss in that respect.

Butterflyone12e · 31/10/2019 16:12

You need to make the decision thinking you will be doing this alone. I'd never forgive a cheating partner, people who do have such little respect for themselves.

If you are not willing to emotionally and financially support a baby on your own then you have to make the decision to terminate. He has 4 kids already, I bet by various Mums too. You will be just another CM reference number.

holrosea · 31/10/2019 16:31

A PP mentioned counselling - is this something your GP or a clinic could offer? You sound very fragile.

If you are already attached and want this baby, you have a support system and if you get sick, someone will come through. Also, lots of single parents do manage and their kids are very happy.

This is the key though; you will be doing this alone. He has cheated on you and really hurt you, if it's all over social media he's not thinking about the impact on you at all, and he's trying to push you into an abortion that you don't know you want. He clearly does not care and should not be trusted.

Please do take a deep breath and think about what you want, and only you.

81Byerley · 31/10/2019 16:37

Terminating because a cheating shit wants you to? No. If you want to do it, that's different, that's your choice.

Babochan88 · 31/10/2019 16:58

Your situation really really reminds me of my friend. He had multiple children by different women. The woman he cheated with blasted it all over social media while she was in 3rd trimester. I’ll make no bones by saying it was hard. But her DD Is the best thing to have ever happened to her

Loveeachday · 31/10/2019 17:01

I feel for you so much! I found out I was pregnant around three weeks ago (have fallen whilst on pill so was a bit of a shock!) my partner has one child and I have two and we had decided we didn’t want more children hence me going on the pill. My partner from day one has told me baby goes or he does. My head has been all over the place and I have had to fight between heart and head and have gone through all scenarios over and over so many times. I began to bleed last week and was sent for an early scan to see if I had miscarried and found out when I was there that I’m nearly 10 weeks already and the baby was fine. I have since decided to go ahead with a termination as I can’t bear the thought of having either to tell them that daddy didn’t want them or knowing that I will never be truly free of him if he decides to keep dipping in and out of their life. Even though I know this is the right decision for me, I still feel like an awful person for giving up on my baby. It’s been the hardest decision ever, please don’t feel bad for thinking if you miscarried it would take it out of your hands- it’s a scary thing and I don’t think anyone will truly understand how you feel unless they’ve been in your situation! I really hope that things work out for you and that whatever decision you make, you can move forward with your life and find happiness again x

RLEOM · 31/10/2019 17:12

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The fact he slept with his ex, who I presume he has a child or children with, shows what kind of person he is. And if that's the way he operates, if you do keep the child, I'd get rid of him. Sounds like he will be flitting between the both of you the entire time. Scummy man.

Cloverbeauty · 31/10/2019 17:48

Even if you keep the baby, dump him. Dump him first, he has no place in your life.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 31/10/2019 17:48

I’m sorry for your situation OP. This must be very distressing for you. I think whatever you decide to do with your pregnancy you should get rid of your BF. He is a cheat who is trying to strong arm you into a termination.

I’m a single mum, sadly not entirely by choice and it’s hard work, but I wouldn’t be without them. Only you can decide and whatever you choose, it will be ok.

Fannybaws52 · 31/10/2019 17:58

There is no relationship. He is a cheat with 4 other kids! He's a Jeremy Kyle guest waiting in the wing to impregnate the next poor cow with low self esteem.

Dump him!

If you have the means and you want your pregnancy then go for it but dont make a choice depending on the lying, useless cheater who cant keep his tiny cock dry for 5 minutes.

You can do so much better, you deserve better.

saraclara · 31/10/2019 18:05

How come this is on social media? What are they saying, and why?

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