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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lack of sex is breaking me

31 replies

Medusa86 · 31/10/2019 10:01

Long time lurker first time poster.
Been with my partner little over 2 years now, both in our 30's. things were great in the beginning very active sex life but the last 6 months have been pretty bleak, this is a topic that arises every week then causes arguments. I have an extremely high sex drive and once every 2 weeks sometimes longer really isn't enough, it's also very vanilla which isn't me either. He says its because hes tired and because hes put on weight ( weight is not an issue for me) and the last thing on his mind when we go to bed is sex! I just don't know how to get around this without ending the relationship. Hes very affectionate just not sexually...I'm miserable as fuck and cry every day 😭 any advice would be great. Thanks for reading

OP posts:

katewhinesalot · 31/10/2019 10:04

He can't magic himself into the mood and the more pressure you put on him, the less likely he is to be in the mood. I'm afraid you have to decide whether you can live like this. If not then it's your choice to split.

ChristineBaskets · 31/10/2019 10:04

Do you have children with him? If not I'd advise you to get out now. This will only get worse and you will continue to be miserable in my experience.

Original poster

Medusa86 · 31/10/2019 10:48

No we don't have any children together, both divorced. I have 2dd from previous, he has 1ds. I just don't know what's happened tbh, I don't pester or hassle him. I just ask him why someone that claims to love you and wants to be with you and build a future together doesnt want to have any intimacy.
Thanks for your reply

OP posts:

EverFallenInLove · 31/10/2019 10:55

Do you mean intimacy or do you mean sex?

Are you intimate with each other otherwise?

RosieBenenden · 31/10/2019 11:13

Message me if you like OP but am in same boat. DH is 57 and I am 41 and have 3 DDs all at boarding school so house to ourselves. He hassex with me once a month at most and i cannot deal with it. I have tried date nights, dressing up, wine and a meal and offering sex on a plate - tried more subtle approahes - tried saying "just fuck me" - zero. I cannot live on solo play and so crave sex with DH 3/4 times each week. I admit I am close to sleeping with a friend who wants me to try but know that solves nothing. I SO relate to you OP.

desperatesux · 31/10/2019 11:19

No kids, only two years in and only in his thirties, I would get out now, it is only going to get worse
Just read the threads on here about it, its absolutely soul destroying having to beg someone to have sex with you, total self esteem killer
Maybe if you want to try one last thing, doctor visit to check his testosterone but from what I read on here it seems men who have this issue have little interest in fixing it !

MMmomDD · 31/10/2019 11:20

OP - he can love you and want future with you AND not have as high sex drive as you. Libido isn’t connected to love as much as people want it to be.

So you only have a few choices here.

Accept it and figure out how to self help
Not accept it - with three sub choices

... Leave and find someone more compatible ... Tell him that you need more and as it’s not fair to pressure him you - he will accept that you’ll have an open arrangement ... Don’t tell him and find a lover

In reality some of these choices are too difficult for people. And many just chug along until they can’t take it anymore. Or until they meet someone and are ready to move on.

Sorry. It’s tough and not one of those issues that can really be resolved.

cacklingmags · 31/10/2019 11:23

Move on OP. This one will not improve - it will get worse, destroy your self esteem and the relationship. Maybe he was very excited to be with you and could pretend for the first six months, but when it comes to a life time - low sex drive does not get better.

mistermagpie · 31/10/2019 11:31

I don't have a high sex drive (two preschoolers and 8 months pregnant) but even I'll tell you that you probably need to end it. No kids, not married and he's only 30s? I doubt things will improve.

virgospirit · 31/10/2019 12:23

I just ask him why someone that claims to love you and wants to be with you and build a future together doesnt want to have any intimacy

I had exactly this with a girlfriend years ago, after several months I figured she wasn't really attracted to me and was just in the relationship for convenience, there wasn't even any affection. In the end I had to drop her and move on as it was just absolutely destroying me.

NameChangeNugget · 31/10/2019 12:38

Sounds like an utterly miserable existence for you. I’d have to end this non relationship

Popcornfan2 · 31/10/2019 12:39

I think if you are crying every day then you know what you have to do.

ClemDanFanGoul · 31/10/2019 12:42

If he doesn’t want sex and doesn’t want to change that then there’s nothing you can do but end it and find someone more compatible with you.

TubbyMcTat77 · 31/10/2019 12:50

This is a topic that comes up all the time on MN. I have posted about it myself. You will get a lot of people who have the 'life is too short, move on' mentality but we all know things are a bit more complicated than that sometimes.

My personal experience is similar to yours except my dp is 12 years older than me. We probably dtd once a month. I would like it more but I adore my dp and our relationship overall is worth the sacrifice of less sex for me. But that's a very personal choice.

You need to think about your relationship as a whole and whether you are willing to compromise and settle because if this is how he is it won't change.

Singsongbird · 31/10/2019 12:59

How well do you feel you communicate? Are you able to talk to each other without it becoming an argument? It sounds like he has low self esteem perhaps there's more to it? Maybe he feels apprehensive or inadequate or undervalued? I don't know, but perhaps there's more to it. If he refuses to accept there's an issue or is unwilling to discuss the root cause of it then you're left with little choice.

Anothernick · 31/10/2019 13:57

Can you pinpoint something that might have happened six months ago to cause him to lose interest in sex? You said things were Ok in the past. If there was sudden change then maybe there is an underlying cause that can be tackled. But if it was just a gradual decline this might be harder to reverse, as other posters have said you may not be sexually compatible and your only options are to accept the situation or split.

DallyGold · 31/10/2019 14:07

@Medusa86, @RosieBenenden - oh goodness, we could start a club. Although in my case, we haven’t had sex for 2 years!! My H didn’t like me getting bigger and then not losing all of the weight quickly after my pregnancies. It is infuriating. We’ve now got young DC though, so it’s complicated.

In your shoes OP, I’d walk away. I stupidly didn’t. Even when I was younger and much more attractive, he didn’t have the same hunger or sex drive as me.

If I had my time again, we shouldn’t have gotten married. A mismatch in sex drives is really damaging I think to a person’s mental and physical well-being. Don’t get trapped

Original poster

Medusa86 · 31/10/2019 14:30

Thank you all that's taken the time to reply.
It is soul destroying and wearing me down. Nothing has changed from my point, he is very affectionate, kissing cuddling, holding hands etc but nothing else. We both work and I study, he works alot more hours than me but that was always the case before we even met. I do wonder sometimes if it is for convenience, he lives with me as his marriage before didn't end well and he doesn't have anywhere to go. His ds comes here every weekend too. I just don't know 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe he's shagging someone else. Prior to this relationship I was single for 3 years after getting divorced. Life was much simpler then. Thank you all ❤

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 31/10/2019 14:34

I'd personally end it. It's no way to live in your 30s. You shouldn't be crying every day. The longer this goes on for the worse the effects will be on you long term.

lexiepuppy · 31/10/2019 14:52

If you like all the other aspects about being with him, you could always go on Love Honey or Ann Summers and buy some toys for yourself (an--d hi-m) and have a fun time on your own and satisfy that urge.

In the meantime he may get his libido back.

It is just an alternative suggestion.

fantasmasgoria1 · 31/10/2019 14:52

I went without sex for over 4 years with my ex husband. Admittedly he is an alcoholic and a porn addict. But it makes you question are you attractive enough etc. Of the 12 years we were together the sex began decreasing around the 5 year mark. I have an eating disorder so that flared up again. I had zero confidence or self esteem. I became so thin and ill. I ended it for several reasons but the no sex was breaking my heart. You should think about if you want to be with him in 5 years time and how you think you will be feeling. That helped me.

Pickitup · 31/10/2019 16:16

It's time to move on op. It will eat at your soul and make you question everything you ever knew.
Unless your relationship is 100% solid without it.
Good luck

ExcitedForFuture · 31/10/2019 16:21

If its like this after only 2 years, I can't see it improving, and it doesn't sound as if you are massively compatible sexually anyway.

Groundfloor · 31/10/2019 20:47

You don't sound compatible and mis-matched sex drives can be incredibly hard to compromise on in the long term, especially for the one with the higher drive. Nobody is at fault, you're just not right for each other, at least in that department, which if important, is mission critical.

Sadly these threads pop up quite frequently and one thing I've noticed is that when it's the man who desires more sex, pulling more weight around the house and taking more responsibility with childcare etc is frequently referenced as a contributing factor to their partner's lack of desire.

I ask myself, where it is the woman who wants more sex, as is the case here, domestic responsibilities etc never seem to get mentioned and I often wonder whether this is a smoke screen for reduced libido, i.e to the OP, purely out of interest, assuming your partner does his fair share around the house, if he didn't, would that diminish your desire for sex with him and reduce the issue? I'm not suggesting that is the answer of course, more curious as to the chicken and egg of desire vs circumstance.

FabbyChix · 31/10/2019 21:45

Sex isn’t a sign of love when you’re wanting it to scratch an itch. Live doesn’t need sex to survive

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