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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh said I am daft and f* ignorant

45 replies

cba · 17/08/2007 09:25

was sat with dh last night when he started talking about moving out of the area. I agree but initially dont want to go to far as I dont want to take kids out of school just yet. yr2, reception - september. He said that when he was on business in another part of the country that it was more cultured and nicer, we do live in a nice area anyway.

I then said that I didnt fancy x as it was three hours away. He then said "you daft and fucking ignorant, I didnt mean there". I said there was no need to speak to me like that. Then he said he didnt even want to live in this country.

Now, I am still coming to terms with the fact he had an affair on and off for two years and getting over the lies and deceit. He then said " who is to say I want to fucking live with you anyway".

At the point I told him to fuck off get his clothes and leave me alone. I am not opposed to moving, but he his always working I look after three kids on my own 99.9% of the time, then to take me out of the only security I have with family close to me I just feel as though I couldnt do it.

Long term I do feel that I would like to move, perhaps even abroad.

Anyone been through anything similar?

OP posts:
Piffle · 17/08/2007 09:27

why on earth woudl you want to be near to him, he sounds like a wanker.
Sorry that is not helpful is it?

My do works away as well and he is pressuring us to move
I have 3 kds one in secondary one starting reception this september and I am loathe to move despite dp's commute (4hrs daily)

He would never address me like that.

Original poster
cba · 17/08/2007 09:27

oh forgot to mention that we also have a dd2, so three children in total

OP posts:
BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 17/08/2007 09:29

What a catch he was.

Spandex · 17/08/2007 09:29

Brrrr. I'd get rid of him as quickly as possible. He sounds like a total creep. Why is he talking to you like that? I'd make my own plans without him. And he had an affair? You got lucky with this diamond, didn't you, cba?

Original poster
cba · 17/08/2007 09:29

It is a total different ball game once kids are at school Like I said not opposed to moving a bit further but stay at same school for a while then look to move further a field.

But to speak to me like that, to say I am hurt is an understatement. In fact, I threw the tv remote at him I was so upset.

Please tell me I am not over reacting.

OP posts:
Piffle · 17/08/2007 09:30

you are underreacting cba IMO

Original poster
cba · 17/08/2007 09:31

probably piffle, I didnt even tell my mum about the affair as I dont like seeing people upset and hurt.

OP posts:
Spandex · 17/08/2007 09:31

Leave him. He sounds awful.

RubySlippers · 17/08/2007 09:31

things don't sound good
think you were very restrained
sounds like he may be trying to force your hand so you don't end up living together
could this be right?

Spandex · 17/08/2007 09:32

Well, if you don't tell people about the affair, then you can all pretend it didn't happen. And he's let off the hook nicely.

Piffle · 17/08/2007 09:32

with a relationship in this state I think moving away from your support networks would be very dangerous
he sounds like he could become abusive and isolating you is one way to achieve that more quickly....

Original poster
cba · 17/08/2007 09:33

ruby, things have been really good with us of late. I told him last night that if he didnt want to live with me he didnt have to. He could see kids as much as he wanted, he is their dad.

He said he was horrified that I could even say that, but I when I said what he had said to me he said he didnt mean it like that he said he was joking.

I told him you didnt look as though you were joking, I am not fucking daft.

OP posts:
Original poster
cba · 17/08/2007 09:35

spandex, his mum, dad and brother know so it is not totally quiet, I just dont see the point in worrying my mum it happened a qhile ago now.

OP posts:
Meeely2 · 17/08/2007 09:37

i don't think the issue is moving here is it, more his attitude towards you. Since it was a completely unprovoked attack i would ask him whats on his mind (my dh lashes out when other things are bothering him), and if he stills behaves like an ignorant git, tell him he is welcome to move wherever he wants but you won't be joining him.

HorseyWoman · 17/08/2007 09:42

OMG, you poor woman. What an idiot he sounds. Doesn't he think he should consider the needs and wishes of his family as well, even above his own!? What a selfish tosser.

Sorry, but my husband and I discuss these things; one of us doesn't just decide we want to do something and then apply untold pressure until we get what we want.

Grrrrrr for you!

RubySlippers · 17/08/2007 09:45

cba - if things have been good of late why would he lash out in such a way?
i think he said he was joking as a way of getting you to think you are in the wrong
just my opinion
it must be hard keeping the affair a secret from those who could have supported you

HorseyWoman · 17/08/2007 09:46

If he is so desperate to get away from the area, does it make you wonder why? Is there something he is trying to hide from you? Like a scorned other woman that wants to tell you everything? Or someone else who knows something? It just doesn't add up that he would go all mad just because you initially say no to something.

Original poster
cba · 17/08/2007 09:47

meely he has had lot of business pressures, but, I have stuck by him through thick and thin so to speak to me like that is just like a kick in the teeth.

hwoman, you are right, it seems as though he wants to live abraod and will apply pressure until i do so.

OP posts:
DaDaDa · 17/08/2007 09:48

"He said he was horrified that I could even say that, but I when I said what he had said to me he said he didnt mean it like that he said he was joking."

He sounds like a pig, but it also sounds like at least you've given him a scare already. Keep it up when he disrespects you.

Original poster
cba · 17/08/2007 09:49

ruby, you are right, whenever he is in the wrong he turns it on me. I said to him last night you are not putting your badness on to me and making it out to be my fault.

I stuck to my guns.

I am seriously thinking about asking him to leave, not sure how much more I can take.

OP posts:
Meeely2 · 17/08/2007 09:50

cba, you sound like a strong woman, just tell him you won;t stand for it - you are both adults, you are his wife, so if things are bothering him he should talk to you about it not lash out about something else.....

jeepster · 17/08/2007 09:51

Agree with piffle. He sounds like a bit of a bully with little respect for you (calling you names and having affairs). People often say they are joking to get out of their v bad behaviour and make it difficult for you to give him a hard time. Did he actually apologise? Does he know the reasons for not moving? Why does he really want to move? Reasons sound a bit lame to me.

RubySlippers · 17/08/2007 09:52

i think you kind of know which direction you want to go in but it is a huge decision to make
have you thought about counselling - either jointly or together

Original poster
cba · 17/08/2007 09:52

thanks everyone, I am going out to the park now for some fresh air to try and clear my head and have a think.

dh in bed as he went out to the office last night after the row as I had told him to fuck off. He is now feeling sorry for himself and I feel like shit.

OP posts:
HorseyWoman · 17/08/2007 09:53

cba, something not right here. Have a lovely walk at the park.