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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you think my friend was rude to me here?

30 replies

sadaboutlife · 30/10/2019 22:34

I have a friend and I'm always there for her,listen to her even when I'm not feeling great etc.
This week I lost my uncle and I've been quite upset.
Text her earlier "hiya hope going back to work wasn't too painful "
She replied
"Oh "Lucy" il talk another Time,my heads battered and I can't be arsed"
I just thought it was a bit rude considering I'm always there for her and I literally only asked how she was.
Plus she knows I'm not having a nice time right now.

OP posts:
bitheby · 30/10/2019 22:36

In fairness to her, you asked about her and she clearly doesn't want to talk about her troubles at the moment. You didn't ask her for support.

I read it that she can't be arsed to talk about her issues not cba with you.

Original poster
sadaboutlife · 30/10/2019 22:37

I don't think she was saying she couldn't be bothered to talk about her ..she was saying she couldn't be bothered to talk to me.
Maybe I'm being too sensitive

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 30/10/2019 22:39

You asked how she was and she told you she was exhausted. It sounds like you have the sort of friendship where she feels she can be honest with you and doesn’t have to just say “fine thanks”. I wouldn’t take it personally.

VanyaHargreeves · 30/10/2019 22:43

I think that was actually like a sincere friendly message, as it shows she feels she can completely be herself with you/be honest and not have to force it and stand on ceremony

Gazelda · 30/10/2019 22:43

I think you're being over sensitive. Hopefully she'll be in touch soon to have a proper catch up
Sorry for your loss.

VanyaHargreeves · 30/10/2019 22:45

Sometimes a person doesn't have the energy to have a conversation without it being about how they feel about you.

My Mum often responds to texts to talk with

"No, I'm going to bed"

It doesn't mean she hates me

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/10/2019 22:48

She was self absorbed - true friendship would have been her texting you to ask how you feel because you’ve suffered a bereavement.

Sounds like this friendship is a bit of a one way street OP.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

EmmiJay · 30/10/2019 22:52

Nah, shes being rude. Even if I wasn't in the mood to talk, to be polite, I would say "Hi! Quite busy at the moment but hope you're good. Msg you later."

Original poster
sadaboutlife · 30/10/2019 23:03

There's been times when she's text and text and text and I've always listened /replied etc

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 30/10/2019 23:04

Why would going back to work have been painful for her? It sounds like she’s got it tough at the moment as well.

Original poster
sadaboutlife · 30/10/2019 23:07

She had just had a week off ...it was just a light hearted message.

OP posts:
Itsallpetetong · 30/10/2019 23:16

You lightheartedly asked her about work.
She was telling you her head was battered and she had nothing left in order to be able to chat.
If you had said you were upset about your uncle I’m sure she would be there for you. She doesn’t know you need her if you don’t explain how you feel.

Interestedwoman · 31/10/2019 00:16

I agree, whatever she said she should've then asked how you were etc, that's just good manners.

' She doesn’t know you need her if you don’t explain how you feel.'

OP already said she lost her uncle and her friend knew she was upset. Even without that, it would've been good manners of her friend to ask.

RantyAnty · 31/10/2019 02:29

No, she was just being honest.

Start being honest with her and you'll have a better relationship.

If you don't feel like talking, just say so.
If you need support, just say so.

nomoreclue · 31/10/2019 04:22

I’m on the fence about this one. It’s a tricky message but I think she meant she can’t be arsed to talk about her day not that she can’t be arsed to talk to you. Plus she’s human and we all have off days. Honestly if she sends you message after message and you always respond maybe you shouldn’t though. You’re being her emotional crutch. Only be that if you are in a good place and have the time. If not then just say “sorry you’re feeling crap. I’m out at the shops at the mo. Will respond properly later” you don’t have to always be immediately available.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 31/10/2019 04:35

Friendship is a two way street. Your friend is driving one way only and it isnt towards you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2019 05:00

If you wanted support, it would have been better to ask for if. Then if she had sent that message, you would know for sure it’s a one way street. What you actually wanted was from your question was, “It was ok. How are you holding up?” But you didn’t ask the right question to get the answer you wanted.

Apolloanddaphne · 31/10/2019 05:04

You asked about her and how she was feeling and she gave you a true answer. You gave no indication you wanted any support at this time. I think it was fine what she said. There is rough and smooth in any relationship.

AntCrawley · 31/10/2019 05:15

You have let her talk to you like that.dont be too availanle, too eager, too much of an initiater.

KindOranges · 31/10/2019 05:47

Are you normally so indirect in your communication style? If you felt miserable and wanted support, why did you message her as though you were offering support, not seeking it?

Original poster
sadaboutlife · 31/10/2019 08:43

She can be quite an aggressive person at times so I know the tone in which the text was wrote.
That was the first text I sent her since telling her I had lost my uncle and was upset.
I personally regardless if I was stressed etc
Would have asked her how she was ..tbh tho I didn't want support,I was just texting a friend checking on her.
Shame it's a one way thing

OP posts:
MeTheCoolOne · 31/10/2019 09:32

I think you are overthinking it. It was a bit thoughtless of her but your text was misjudged. You asked how she was and she replied.

I'm sorry about your Uncle 💐

AmIThough · 31/10/2019 09:41

I'd assume something else is going on and you'll be an apology and explanation later.

She was rude but I don't think people act like that as a general rule.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/10/2019 10:50

Gently said, you sound codependent. The way you feel a connection with someone (and therefore feel closeness and feel valued) is to offer support to them. But your needs don’t get met and you end up connecting to self-absorbed people.

This micro-exchange shows two things: she is oblivious to her role as a caring friend (she knows you’re upset and bereaved but is not interested in offering support); and you are used to supporting and then get frustrated when it’s isn’t returned.

The bigger perspective is you need to examine how you attach, and who you have attached to - and if relating to them is actually healthy for you.

EverFallenInLove · 31/10/2019 11:05

Even if I wasn't in the mood to talk, to be polite, I would say "Hi! Quite busy at the moment but hope you're good. Msg you later."

But not everyone has the same communication style as you! You don't know the dynamics of their relationship and the OP has already said that her message was lighthearted.

OP if you friend had had a tough day then she might have sent it in that familiar tone but not intended it for you, per se.

If someone sent me a lighthearted message and my head was 'battered' then I might not realise they were upset and needed to talk either.

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