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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My partners oral hygiene routine is rank

36 replies

SheepGoesBaa · 30/10/2019 16:40

I'm with my partner for nearly three years. I didn't see his poor oral health cleaning routine at first. He comes around and stays overnight with me about twice a week. Sometimes I notice some stains on the pillowcase but they were only ever light stains. In the beginning of our relationship, I think he brushed his teeth at night. Now though, I don't think he does. He goes to the bathroom but he doesn't take the toothbrush from my bedside table. I change his toothbrush monthly or every 6 weeks.

I don't know what he does when he is at home. He is a good person. He does a lot to help his aging parents and he works hard in a bar. He works odd shifts. Some times late nights, other times day shifts, other times he works night shift followed by a morning and day shift. So, I could see how his work would impact on his Orla health care. He is probably too wrecked and tired and exhausted to brush his teeth.

Another issue I have with him not brushing his teeth at night, is, I don't think he spends long enough brushing his teeth in the morning.

All this came to a head the other morning. We woke up and there was a quite large and substantial blood stain on the pillowcase. It was huge. He pointed it out first and apologised. I said not to worry, that will come out easily in the was but I was alarmed. I asked we're his gums sore? He said it's just soft gums.

He's not looking after his oral health at all. This worries me.

I don't have great teeth myself but I do my best to look after them. I brush 2/3 times a day. I use mouthwash in between brushing. I floss (not every night). I have a water flosser. I'm doing the best I can for my teeth and mouth.

OP posts:
Knightinslightlytarnished · 30/10/2019 16:47

My granddad used to have blood on the pillowcase in the morning from bleeding gums but he was in his late 70s. Most of his teeth feel out/had to be extracted by the time he was 90.

You must be able to tell whether he is keeping his teeth clean by basic things like the look of them and when you kiss him.

You can't force a slovenly adult to change. Suggest he goes to an oral hygenist for a full clean - this can sometimes encourage a good routine. They will explain to him how poor hygeniene results in gum disease which results in bone loss which results in your teeth falling out.

Interestedwoman · 30/10/2019 16:52

I knew someone who used to be like this. (I didn't know him at the time.) He was in his early 40s when he lost 3 teeth from not brushing at night or whatever. His dentist told him to get one of the water flosser things and he claimed not to have had a problem since.

Your OH needs to visit his dentist. And he needs to brush his teeth morning and evening :)

rvby · 30/10/2019 16:54

My understanding is that water flossing can trigger gum infections (can push food particles below the gumline) and brushing more than twice a day can erode tooth enamel. Be careful.

Your partner isnt taking care of himself, the most you can do is tell him you're afraid and what potential consequences are worrying you ("I'm so worried you're going to end up in pain or having to have surgery and extractions") ask him if he needs help and be supportive. You can't take accountability for his health on his behalf... if it's a dealbreaker to you and he won't change then you know what to do, I'm afraid.

Lemmywinks · 30/10/2019 16:56

Sounds like he needs a course of corsodyl mouthwash for a month or two before he looses all his teeth all together

SheepGoesBaa · 30/10/2019 17:00

He had a filling fall out in the summer time. He went to the dentist for that. They found he needed two more fillings and a cleaning. I've been pushing him to go back to the dentist. I was suggesting and reminding him to go back for a cleaning too for months.

I have a fear of the dentist. I had an emergency last winter and had to go to the dentist. With that, I'm keeping on top of the 6 month call backs. I think I'm doing a better job with my teeth and oral care too. I had an appointment in June and I mentioned to my partner about him going back to the dentist. Same again. I've been mentioning for a few weeks that I need to make a dentist appointment to go back for December and I'm reminding him about him going back.

I have a big fear of the dentist but since last winter I pushed myself to go. I don't think my partner has a fear of the dentist. But even if he does, he really needs to look after his teeth at home.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 30/10/2019 17:02

Does he have dental check ups? Surely the dentist can tell him if he's doing enough or not?

When I had DS2 I was sleeping such weird hours I asked my dentist what to do and she said it's more important to brush them before you sleep than when you wake up. When you wake up is just a breath freshener. The bacteria do their damage when you're asleep.

BertieBotts · 30/10/2019 17:03

Just make an appointment for both of you at once?

SheepGoesBaa · 30/10/2019 17:15

We go to different dentists and also We are not married so I wouldn't be in a place to make an appointment for him, unfortunately.

OP posts:
SheepGoesBaa · 30/10/2019 17:16

I am very concerned about him. I love him and he's a good man but his oral care is awful and it shows.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 30/10/2019 17:26

Oh I see. Well then I suppose you can only decide if it's a dealbreaker or not, if it is tell him, if it's not just tell him you're really concerned and then leave it up to him.

cansmellfreedom · 30/10/2019 18:27

He has gum disease he needs to see a dentist. He needs to start brushing his teeth/gums twice/ day at least

forestsmurf · 30/10/2019 19:23

He needs to go to the dentist. Sounds like he has signs of gum disease which will likely lead to tooth loss if just ignored. He will require treatment from a dentist/hygienist and a tailored oral hygiene routine. Maybe having the message come from a professional will drum it home to him!! Or at least reinforce your concerns

SheepGoesBaa · 30/10/2019 19:46

Thanks for the replies. He meant to go back to the dentist to get another filling but he never did. I will encourage him to back. Maybe if he sees me making an appointment he might follow in my footsteps.

A dentist will only do so much though. If he's not taking care of things himself at home, what can a dentist do? Maybe if he hears how bad things and it will lead to, it might kick him into action.

Whenever he stays over or we go away together he sees him all the time spending time on my teeth. I never go to bed without brushing my teeth.

OP posts:
SheepGoesBaa · 30/10/2019 19:50

This is an absolute deal breaker for me. I don't want to see the man I love suffer and be in pain and in 10 years in his 40s or 20 years in his 50s deal with tooth loss and the expenses of falsies or implants.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 30/10/2019 19:52

You don't mention kissing /sex.
Neither would be on the menu with such a minger!!

Chillisauceboss · 30/10/2019 20:36

Why do you change his toothbrush monthly?!

SheepGoesBaa · 30/10/2019 20:55

Because the toothbrush that's here for him looks rank after a few weeks and he probably wouldn't think of changing it so I do it.

OP posts:
Nc77 · 30/10/2019 21:30

Does his breath smell? You need to have a conversation with him about it, if that was my partner of 3 years is he comfortable enough to gently suggest he brush his teeth morning and night and to try this new mouthwash as ‘it helped with my own bleeding gums’

Or maybe buy him an electric toothbrush for Xmas and advise of the benefits of electric vs manual.

Chillisauceboss · 30/10/2019 21:37

@SheepGoesBaa whilst I fully believe he has terrible hygiene. I think you are also strangely obsessed. How can his toothbrush look so bad if it's sat there for a month barely used?

SheepGoesBaa · 30/10/2019 21:41

He brushes in the mornings.

OP posts:
Gardai · 30/10/2019 21:46

Why don’t you tell him to clean his teeth as it’s minging otherwise ?

crappyday2018 · 30/10/2019 21:53

You clearly have to say something because he's clearly not going to do anything about it himself. If you can't bring yourself to say something outright to him, perhaps next time there is blood on the pillow say "that't not right, you could have gum disease, please go to the dentist. Perhaps you're not brushing your teeth correctly!!"

RolytheRhino · 31/10/2019 06:57

I've had this with an ex and just very honestly said it's disgusting. Show your revulsion and if that doesn't result in change kick him to the kerb.

TreePeepingWatcher · 31/10/2019 07:20

Electric toothbrush rather than a manual one I would say.

In the Ask Me Anything section of Mumsnet a Dentist did one. Might be worth a read.

I can't believe he was told to go back to have a filling and hasn't. It will only get worse and more painful.

20viona · 31/10/2019 07:24

Soft gums 🤣
Sounds like he's got periodontal disease and no desire to help himself- blood on the pillow is quite advanced. Dentist can help but it's 99% down to him.