For fuck's sake... 🙄

[EverFallenInLove]

I have stupidly fallen for a friend of mine.

I can't have him and, even if I could, can think of a million and one reasons why it would be a bad idea anyway. I wouldn't ever say anything to him or want him to suspect. And, frankly, it's not me.

I'm just sitting in the car in the carpark at the moment passing time and listening to a recording he sent me of a song he wrote. It's so beautiful and I'm such a soppy, unloved arse that im sitting here with tears rolling down my face 🙄🙄

Life is just so unfair at times!! 🤔

Oh dear.

Unfortunately the only way I know of getting over a crush is to put a bit of space Inbetween you. NC.

I'm assuming you want to get over it?

Thanks, gamerchick.

No, unfortunately no way of putting some distance between us. Not without it drastically impacting on my life and friendships with him and others. I see him 2-3 times a week and we're friends.

Yeah, I want to get over it and i know it will pass in time but i just feel like a stupid teenager with a huge bout of unrequited love and I'd forgotten how bloody painful it is as much as anything.

It hurts!

I'm such an idiot 🙄

I just needed to acknowledge it really and can't tell anyone in real life, obviously.

Does he have a partner and children?

Oh OP, I feel your pain.
I'm very much in the same situation, and it is agony. I too am unable to do, what would be 'traditionally' advised in this scenario.
I have never divulged my feelings for him, despite being pretty sure he feels something for me too.
I really struggle with keeping my emotions intact, and that does seem to be having an effect on our friendship.
As hard as it is, I'd rather have him like this, than not at all. He even threatened ending our friendship last week, because of not knowing what's wrong with me half the time, and feeling like he's constantly trying to 'make up to me' for something he doesn't know he's done
I'm petrified I'm going to lose him.
Hopefully you are able to keep on top of your feelings, more than I am.
Anyway, I digress; just know there are people who understand

Yes, of course he has a partner and kids 🙄

I'm really good friends with his wife. My best approach at the moment is to spend time with her away from him to gain a bit of perspective. I dont need telling what a shit I'd be to act on my feelings - I'm not stupid and I have no intention of doing so. And no reason to think it would be welcomed if I did!

I have more respect for myself and her than to do anything! I don't need telling that. But ffs the feelings are hard

Why is he sending you his song recordings? Is it in a professional capacity or is he making a move on you in a subtle way?

looop

That sounds really hard.

I don't think he has feelings for me but it wouldn't matter anyway. I've been hit on enough times by enough married men to only think its sleazy. It would put me right off him i think! 🤨

I've been through a bit of a tough time just recently. He gave me a hug and said, "well you know I love you".

Stupid teenage heart flutters 🙄

I really had just forgotten how much it hurts though. My heart actually hurts.

I've been single for ages, I dont date so it's a long time since I experienced anything like this. It's just a bit shit.

Why is he sending you his song recordings?

I dont know, tbh! We're both musicians (not professionally). I guess he just wanted to share it.

Ah you need to get some space from him.
Before you build a fantasy around him. like my imaginary relationship with sleb chef James Martin

Dont be too hard on yourself, you are both long time good friends and emotions can cross over.
I think if you do spend more time with him and his family you will go back to see him as just a friend.

TheQueef

Oh I've already had imaginary conversations with him where we've flirted a bit and ultimately professed undying love and because it's imaginary, his wife was nowhere to be seen

I do know it'll pass but getting space would be hard.

I really wanted to just wail about having a broken heart and listen to songs about heartbreak and cry a bit because I can't have him. Or just tell someone even - but obviously can't do that IRL. And stamp my feet because it's not fair and then cry again because no one loves me. You know, like you do when you're 16 🙄 but I'm far too old for any of that nonsense...

But that's how I feel.

I just want to fast forward to the part where I'm laughing to myself about the fact I ever felt like this.

Why don't you date? Maybe you should. Set up an online dating profile and go out with a few different men over the next few weeks. You might not meet anyone who makes your heart flutter, but you might meet someone you like. You know this is a crush and that it can't go anywhere.

Haha no. I've absolutely no interest in dating or online dating.

If I met someone in real life I might consider it but I've been let down too many times. It's just not worth the bother, tbh.

I dont date ...

Sounds like you should.

Pining after a taken man (and with a family to boot) is never a good look

It's just not worth the bother, tbh.

Gird your loins and go for it.
Take no shit.

It's a numbers game. I know many people who've met a partner after (seemingly) dozens of let downs.

Even if you just meet some people, have a laugh and broaden your activities .. it's better than crying in cars listening to amateur music and getting heartlorn when a taken man shows done affection and kindness. As I said - not a good look.

*some

You need to do something proactive to change your life, because being infatuated with a married man is never going to make you happy. Even if, by some miracle, he realises the depth of your feelings for him, and reciprocates, do you think that will make you happy? The guilt of taking him away from his wife, from breaking up his family will never go. He'll probably shag you a few times then dump you anyway. Stop sitting in your car, listening to his music and sobbing about how heartbroken you are. Go out and grab life by the balls.

Oh don't get me wrong. I have a very full life. I'm busy every night of the week either with my daughter, my friends or my hobbies. My hobbies are very sociable and enable me to meet lots of people. I have a great social life and meet lots of people.

I enjoy my life and can't think of which bits of it I'd be willing to sacrifice for numerous first dates with random men I've met on the internet.

He'll probably shag you a few times then dump you anyway

Well he won't, because he wont get the chance. I've made it clear that that's not my intention.

I've tried dating - in the past. I move even had relationships. But they've never worked. I've made peace with it now.

No offence but get a grip. You make it sound as though the ball's in your court and it's all on whether you make a move or not. How do you even know he sees you in that way? If you're in love with him, you're not his friend so I think you need to keep away from him.

Well, to be fair, the ball is in my court when it comes to me making a move or not.

But theres no need to respond as though I'm an OW. I'm not.

I was actually just being a bit lighthearted about how crappy it is to have feelings a for someone when there's nowhere it can go. But hey ho 🙄

I totally get where you’re coming from OP and it is a shit situation. I’ve been there and had to cut contact in the end although the friendship was not long-standing.
I had a friend who was in this position for well over a decade though. They were actually both single but he just never felt the same way as her. He was also never ready to commit to anyone etc so she kept him as a friend as that was the only way she could remain in his life. She’s now with a lovely guy and I think she’s over it!
It’s shit but try and distance yourself a bit and maybe find yourself a special someone who you can be equally besotted with.

EverFallenInLove Yes it is. Really, really hard.
But I love him to death, even just as a friend and I don't even want to think of a life without him in it.
We met, whilst I was trying to get over a really hard period in my life. My faith in people was at an ultimate low, I wasn't looking for anything, not even friendship. But we clicked, and became so close, so quickly. I trust him 1000% (maybe unwisely), and will never forget how he managed to make me laugh again. And just how happy me makes me... though at the same time; having the power to hurt me at any moment.!
I'm sorry I don't have much advice, fortunately for me, I do have one person 'in real life' to talk this through with. Though I don't completely put all my cards on the table, it does help to be able to voice, and talk over the difficulties of my feelings.

I'd recommend time, talking (to other people) and, oddly, proximity.

I once madly and horribly fancied a friend's partner. He was gorgeous and kind and chatty. But the more time i spent with him the more I realised that he was also an insufferable arse, could be brusque to the point of rudeness and one day we met up and I just realised that he was a friend, no more. The feelings of 'oooh, he's lovely' had just evaporated.

Probably no help at all, but maybe it helps you just a little to know that others have been there too!