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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partners ex wife has been tracking partner...what do we do?

47 replies

Londongirl07 · 29/10/2019 20:08

So to cut a long story short we have just found out my partners ex wife has been tracking him for the past 2 and half years. My partner has the find my friends app where he has my location, the kids location and his mums location, this is all for safety reasons only, I have his location and my kids too, this is all it’s for to ensure they’re coming to and from school safe etc.

Anyway his ex found the find my friends app on their sons phone and his son has my partners location too and with that has been using it for the past 2 and half years watching our every move.

What can we do about this? I know it was on their sons phone but that was solely for him not for her!

She’s mixed up with the wrong crowd and I have also been told people she knows from that crowd know who I am (she must’ve shown photos?) and have followed me and I now worried to safety of my kids. I have lived in the same home for 12 years and never had an issue and recently I’ve had my tyre not slashed but stabbed! I’ve had my wing mirror remove and my car keyed.

I’m at a loss. No clue what to do. It’s embarrassing really she’s 46 years old and playing these games.

OP posts:

BillHadersNewWife · 29/10/2019 20:23

Isn't it on the son's phone because your partner put it there? How do you know the ex has been using it? Also...not being funny but you've no reason to be scared unless you live in a thriller and she's out for blood and vengeance. Has she threatened you? Do her kids see her regularly?

TowelNumber42 · 29/10/2019 20:48

I'm confused.

She's been tracking your DH by looking at their son's phone and his Find My Friends, which shows your DP's location. She has been doing this for 2.5 years you think. Your existence / identity was supposed to be a secret, DP and his son helped keep you secret. By accessing FMF on DS's phone, she noticed where DP had been hanging out a lot, your place, and worked out that he has a girlfriend and it is you and you live in that place. Recently you think someone has vandalised your car and you think it might be her. Is that right?

Simonsaysitschristmas · 29/10/2019 20:50

Have you reported the damage to your car to the police on 101? That’s where I would start

Anotherlongdrive · 29/10/2019 21:20

Her age hasnt got anything to do with it. Some people (presuming she has done this) are like this.

Dps ex wife (I was not OW) followed me several times. Dp moved about 30 miles away from where he lived with her. Despite her not knowing anyone this area she would text him and tell him she happened to be in our very small town centre and seen me.

I cant tell you how I handled it, because it wasnt very sensible (not violent or illegal) and she disappeared and we havent heard from her since.

But, I am not sure what you can do. She is simply looking in her sons phone. Which shevis entitled to do. Infact its encouraged to look at your children's phone.

pikapikachu · 29/10/2019 21:25

Just stop sharing his (your partner's) location with his kids. Why do they have to know where he is? If this is about them knowing when he's on his way to pick them up then he could share when he's on his way then turn it off?

I understand why he might want his kids location but is there a reason why they need his?

Ronnie27 · 29/10/2019 21:34

If she has been tracking him for two and a half years then surely she has known where you live for a while and your car wouldn’t only recently have been attacked? Is it possible you’re feeling a bit under threat and paranoid about the car and looking for reasons (understandable!). Get some CCTV up, knock find my friends off the son’s phone and don’t stress about her.

Original poster

Londongirl07 · 29/10/2019 21:43

My partner has stopped sharing his location now. I don’t think actually realised he had it shared as when you set it up you can press the button to share your location and he may have pressed by mistake but as said it’s off now.

She has known about us for 2 and half years this wasn’t a surprise to her, she’s just been tracking his location to know where he is. She let slip she knew we went to the Hilton hotel somewhere away from home, no one knew at all where we were! This was proof she was tracking us. She also called up Someone I know who she knows to say I thought they were going on holiday why is he still at home? Then to call up a few hours later to say he’s in another part of London now, she confirmed she is tracking us to this same person. She didn’t know where we were going on holiday but the next day called this person to say look they’re in Corfu now I have their location!

Since knowing she has had people to follow me I am certain that this is why my car has been vandalised. I have now reported this to 101.

She has every right to look at her sons phone I agree but to the point where she’s tracking her ex that’s too much. A month ago me and my partner were sitting in Nando’s and she drove outside and circled the area 3 times! This is not a coincidence. She turns up wherever we are!

I am worried for my kids safety and my safety because of the crowed she is mixed up with.

PP asked how often she has her kids...She has her kids 5 times a week and my partner twice a week but she lives with her parents and actually leave them to do everything with the kids whilst she goes out. That is besides the point what I think of her as a mother is nothing to do with me and I won’t judge. I’m just not happy about the tracking situation and being followed by people I do not know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Londongirl07 · 29/10/2019 21:45

@Ronnie27 she does know where I live yes And has done since the beginning, but in the past 12 months she has caused big issues with my partner and me and this ties in to when my car first got damaged in January this year.

I know I may seem paranoid but there’s too many coincidences

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 29/10/2019 21:50

I wouldn't leave my children five days a week with someone that unhinged on the grounds that the unhinged person usually palms them off onto someone else anyway. Is your DP asleep at the parenting wheel?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 29/10/2019 21:57

She has every right to look at her sons phone I agree but to the point where she’s tracking her ex that’s too much.

Your partner has been voluntarily sharing his location. She's done nothing wrong in using it, legally. If he's stopped sharing the location now - and I'd double check to make sure that it's off for good - she won't know where you are from this point forward. There's nothing else you can do from here, really.

Original poster

Londongirl07 · 29/10/2019 22:15

@TowelNumber42 lol, he’s not he is aware of the situation and fights to have his kids more but she won’t allow it for some strange reason, as mentioned because she lives with her parents the kids are 99% of the time with them so we know they are safe and in good hands, They’re the ones doing school runs on her days, feeding, bathing etc. When they’re away she can’t cope and has friends helping her or if she can’t be bothered just won’t take the kids to school. 🙄

@AnchorDownDeepBreath yeah you are right, he has voluntarily shared it whether he realised or not, it is definitely off now I’ve checked

OP posts:

Haffiana · 29/10/2019 22:35

She has her kids 5 times a week and my partner twice a week but she lives with her parents and actually leave them to do everything with the kids whilst she goes out.

lol, he’s not he is aware of the situation and fights to have his kids more but she won’t allow it for some strange reason, as mentioned because she lives with her parents the kids are 99% of the time with them so we know they are safe and in good hands, They’re the ones doing school runs on her days, feeding, bathing etc. When they’re away she can’t cope and has friends helping her or if she can’t be bothered just won’t take the kids to school.

Yeah yeah, right. You really have swallowed his shit, haven't you?

So let's ask the question that really needs asking. Why has your partner allowed his children to stay with a lazy, mad stalker, 'bad crowd' friending, BAD MOTHER ex?

Why isn't he moving heaven and hell to get more access to his kids rather than leave them with their oh so unsuitable mother?

-Oh, yes of course, he doesn't have to 'coz her parents look after them really.

So why isn't he moving heaven and hell to parent his children rather than leave them with grandparents??

Wake up love. You need to stop diddling yourself with all this exciting Eastenders stalking drama and start seeing what is actually going on.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 29/10/2019 22:55

Everything @Haffiana just said.

He needs to step up and take responsibility for his children if the environment they are in is as unhealthy as you keep saying.

Just because the grandparents are kind enough to help doesn't mean he should just let them and continue with the status quo.

Surely he should want his children to be with him rather than being raised by their grandparents (who are probably exhausted by this drama and also probably thought they'd have time to enjoy rather than being responsible for more kids) and his supposedly awful ex?

It's not hard to be a Disney dad when you only have to do two days a week.

GertiMJN · 29/10/2019 23:06

From a "danger" point of view, you are surely now safer than you were before, if the fmf is no longer tracking his phone ...

Lizzie0869 · 29/10/2019 23:12

As has been said, I don't understand why your partner isn't pushing harder for his children to spend more days per week with him, if his ex is as bad as he's saying and palming them off on her parents. That should be of greater importance than obsessing over whether she really is stalking you both.

Whatisthisfuckery · 29/10/2019 23:17

Does your DP live with you OP?

Is it possible he’s not as finished with her as you think he is?

He sounds like a bit of a deadbeat tbh. He leaves his kids to live with a feckless mother who palms them off to their grand parents. They all sound as bad as each other. Sounds like you’d be better off out of it if you ask me.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 29/10/2019 23:25

When they’re away she can’t cope and has friends helping her or if she can’t be bothered just won’t take the kids to school.

So their mum can't look after them solo and can't be arsed to take them to school and that annoys you.

Equally, their dad hasn't been arsed to fight for greater access to ensure the kids are with a parent and get to school as needed. And that's fine somehow?

It's all very well saying he fights and she "won't allow it for some strange reason" - they're his kids too.

If he really wanted this to change he would fight formally through the appropriate authorities, not just ask her and accept being told that he's not allowed.

Interestedwoman · 30/10/2019 00:01

If she's been doing this for 2.5 years, and the stuff with your car started about a year ago, if she's responsible, why would she have left it 1.5 years without doing anything? Surely an ex would be more irate about a new GF at the start, rather than randomly becoming irate enough to instigate vandalism after 18 months?

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/10/2019 00:07

I think you have swallowed your partner’s shit about his ex.

heartsonacake · 30/10/2019 00:12

What do you do? Nothing. Your partner was sharing his location, she’s done nothing wrong by looking at it. Sounds like he needs to take more care over his tech privacy settings.

I also agree with pp about you being fed a load of crap from your partner about his ex.

Daddystilllost · 30/10/2019 00:32

Yeah you have a problem with your boyfriend - not her. He's feeding you a load of sugar coated rubbish!

WhatTiggersDoBest · 30/10/2019 00:56

I think you have swallowed your partner’s shit about his ex.
This.
I'd go further and suggest, if she turns out to be responsible for damaging your car, it's because he's fed her some shit about you. Otherwise, he probably did it himself to your car to start drama and get you really believing his ex is a bad person.
Now why would he want to do a thing like that? He's probably playing you off against each other to stop the two of you comparing information that'll show him to be a liar.

JingsMahBucket · 30/10/2019 01:24

Why are people detailing the thread and talking about parental access that OP’s partner has?? Her thread isn’t about that at all! It’s about an ex who’s low grade stalking them.

JingsMahBucket · 30/10/2019 01:28

Derailing the bread rather. The point still stands though. This isn’t a thread about access.

Walnutwhipster · 30/10/2019 01:35

Why is your partner ok with his children being neglected by their mother and pawned off on their grandparents?

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