Need to give my head a wobble :(

[Horrordoeurvres]

Hi, looking for some advice please. Sorry, it's a long one!

Background, I'm Female, 24 & my Parter male is 23. Been together just over a year and a bit. He's been working/living away the past 6 months. Both of us have travelled to/from to see each other.

I've been one sick pup the past week. Sinusitis, ear & chest infections, coughing up all sorts of things - you get the idea. He came to visit (even though I told him I'm hauled up in bed unable to do anything before he decided to come). Once he got here he was a right pest - kept trying to kiss me and get me into bed to "cuddle" etc even though I'm sweating buckets with a fever and spluttering my lungs up - who in this situation would really want a bloody make out session under the covers?!

Fast forward to the middle of the night, my fever is pretty bad and I'm in and out of sleep. I woke up several times in the night to him dry humping me, touching/kissing my boobs under my top. At the time I was too weak to even argue so I just lay there.

In the morning once I'd actually come to & had a bit of strength back in me. I woke up to him touching my boobs AGAIN. This time I slapped his hand off me and shouted "what the fuck?!?" And he just kind of rolled over away from me. I brought it up later on and at first he tried to pretend he couldn't remember any of that happening - almost as if my fever had made me hallucinate? But just before he left to go home he back tracked and said "sorry about last night" so it very clearly did happen.

I've been thinking about it all day today, I feel sick at the thought of him touching me like that, especially knowing how ill I've been. He's due back up in another 2 weeks and I honestly don't know how to face him. My mum is fucking useless - she thinks the sun shines out his arse so I can't tell her (she's blamed me for every breakup I've ever had).

On the one side, I'm unsure if I'm just over emotional because of how sick I've been and the other part of me is trying not to rage & relish in the image of setting him on fire.

Am I overreacting here? Wtf am I supposed to say to him? How am I even supposed to approach this with him? Arghhh :(

I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who did that. He should have been taking care of you/bringing you what you needed/letting you sleep not badgering you for sex. To me that indicates he doesn't care enough about how you feel, only about getting what he wants. It's unacceptable.

Sorry but it's a no from me.

He didn't take your requests or considerations into account at all.

You asked him not to visit; he still did.

He kept pestering you while you felt ill.

He sexually assaulted you while you were asleep.

I'd be telling him to stay the fuck away and exactly why.

You're not overreacting. You were vulnerable and he tried to push boundaries - he wanted kisses / sex and was prepared to make you uncomfortable to get that.
It's not a big leap to worry what will happen if you get drunk / get sick again / took a sleeping pill etc.

I personally wouldn't want him anywhere near me so the relationship would be over. Who wants to worry what their 'partner' is going to do to them while they sleep?

And as for your mum, maybe tell her less about your relationships and trust your judgement a little more. This doesn't feel right to you because it isn't - you've realised this early, don't let other people's thoughts sway you.

Step away from this one! He's an arse.

Please don't let him back in 2 weeks. If you forgive him for this it gives him the green light to take it further. You cannot trust this man. Please please break up with him.

Part of me wants to think he genuinely is sorry and won't ever do it again but the idea of me even seeing his face right now is making me burst into tears. He's been such a genuinely nice person until this, I don't know what the fuck he was thinking l? I think that's one of the worst parts of it. I just feel so disgusting.

I don't even know how to approach this with him, should I wait until he's back up and talk face to face or should I just text/call him and get it over with?

My mums always got her beak in my business because I live at home (saving for my own house) so I can't really escape that aspect of it right now, I know if I do end it with him she'll twist it even if I do tell her the truth and make it my fault.

I think that's one of the worst parts of it. I just feel so disgusting.

That's awful and that's all down to him. Just text him and end it. Don't put yourself through the trauma of having to face him.

I really hope he gets what you had.

He's disgusting. Who does that to any woman, never mind a woman who's clearly very sick?

Take no notice of your mum. Some women have a really odd idea of what they should put up with and think that pandering to men is the way to go.

Tell this guy that he's dumped. In two weeks' time come back to this thread to remember how he made you feel.

I don't know - he's been on his own for months and so wants sex. Who wouldn't?
Just tell him what he did was wrong and why. Have you had occasions to pull him up before?
Do you normally have sex when you get together.
DH worked away for years and was always randy when he got home - just something I expected.

You're 24 years old, it's time to stop caring what your mother thinks about your personal relationships.

I'm guessing he's been nice so far because you've always said yes to sex etc

He's showing his true colours..
you deserve better x

he should have been bringing you hot drinks tissues etc caring for you probably offering to sleep elsewhere like the sofa as you were ill with fever. never mind your mum she is not the one going out with him id tell him to sling his hook in no uncertain terms

If you said to your mum that he sexually assaulted you (he’d have passed the threshold for a criminal offence) that she would believe you and be supportive?

If no, I would think about telling her that it wasn’t working out, with the distance. You’d protect yourself from her reaction that way.

I feel awful for you, that you are even thinking it’s an overreaction. I would suggest the freedom programme in relation to thinking about your relationship with this man but also your mum. She sounds pretty toxic with her attitude towards men and you being “to blame” for them ending.

I know I shouldn't take notice of my mum but when someone's in your face on a daily basis telling you how shit you are and how you'll probably be alone forever etc it's sometimes a wee bit hard for some of it not to sink in. I know it won't be forever that I'll be here so I usually try to not let it get me down too much.

I just need to stop crying and get a fucking grip of myself. I think one of my best friends knows I'm not right, I haven't really told anyone in real life yet, she's asked me to for a coffee tonight so I think I'll go see her and try to pick myself up a bit before I speak to him

It shows a complete lack of respect and empathy towards you. I'd seriously consider walking away from him after that. He certainly wasn't thinking about your health, welfare or how you were feeling last night, just his own selfishness.

If it was one of my little sisters this happened to I would have smashed his fucking face in by now, so I'm not sure why it's so hard to relate the same feelings to myself?

I know I'm going to have to end it, I don't think I'll ever be able to face him again after this. Urgh why are so many people so shit.

I think I'll look into the freedom programme. I recently got a book by Chidera Eggerue - What a time to be alone and it's starting to stir up some feelings.

He sexually assaulted you while you were asleep/unconscious op! He’s lucky you haven’t phoned the police! Would your mum honestly side against you if you told her you woke up to him assaulting you??

Here's a similar situation for comparison.

I have a very similar lurgy - fever, chest infection, sinus pain, much mucus, not pretty.

My husband got into bed beside me and put his arm around me.

Me - Argh, no! I'm too warm and sweaty!
Him - Sorry (fetches me a cold drink, checks my temp)

Through the night, I am all over the place raving with a high temp and he manages not to sexually assault me. Next night, I'm feeling a bit better. Husband gets into bed and gets a bit snuggly.

Me - Ugh, I feel like shit.
Him - Ok, do you want a cuppa?

Also manages not to sexually assault me that night.

Please come back to this thread and reread how you felt so that you do not go back to this guy.

She'd probably say one of the following if I told her:

1. over dramatic, didn't happen like that
2. that I'm "looking for an excuse" to end it
3. that I must have been tarting about before hand to wind him up, because obviously primark fuzzy Xmas jammies from 2011 covered in crusty snot is such a turn on.

Right, I've just had my last wee cry in the shower and now it's time to put my big girl pants on. I'm going to see my friend for a coffee shortly for a pick me up, I will tell her because I know I can trust her and I'll take it from there. He works nights and I work day shift (going back to my work tomorrow as I've taken enough time off) so It'll be difficult to get a hold of him during the day but if I don't do it soon I'll probably never do it.

Thank you for reassuring me I'm not overreacting and that I shouldn't put up with this. X

I'm so glad you're ending it. No person of a sound mind would do that.

This pig treated you like a sex doll. He feels entitled to do what he wants with your body without your consent. Why on earth would you want to continue with him? Text him that it’s over.

As for your mother, this is your life and your boundaries. Tell her that things didn’t work out with him. You owe her no explanation.

I’m so glad that you have got a good friend to talk to.

Your mum sounds awful, sorry if that’s harsh but no wonder you’re questioning your judgement with her dreadful attitude towards you and women and relationships.

Freedom Programme would be very good for you I think, you can do it online.

Don’t forget to block the loser man after you have told him it’s over.

well done OP. He's sexually assaulting you, and it will only get worse.

I agree with all the above, but I'm more concerned about your relationship with your toxic mother. It is terribly destructive to your self esteem and confidence, to have her dripping her corrosive negativity and poison into your ear all the time. How long is it until you can realistically move out, OP? Could you afford to rent a room in a shared flat, if it's taking too long to save a mortgage deposit? If you have to remain under the awful woman's roof, try going "grey rock" with her. You'll see the technique discussed on the stately homes thread, for people with toxic parents. Basically, you just don't engage with her, you don't volunteer information about your partners or problems, and you make noncomittal, minimal answers to direct questions from her. Just be dull, bland, pleasant and boring. If she's not getting any reaction to her needling, it won't encourage her to push it. Best wishes with moving out as soon as possible!

When men do this sort of thing it is rarely a one off incident. Usually they escalate their behaviour and assume that you are just accepting it. Don't do what I did with my ex which was put up and shut up. The final straw for me was waking up to find myself physically pinned down with him already inside me (I'm a deep sleeper).
You know what you need to do. There are some lines that should never be crossed.