Need to give my head a wobble :(

[Horrordoeurvres]

Hi, looking for some advice please. Sorry, it's a long one!

Background, I'm Female, 24 & my Parter male is 23. Been together just over a year and a bit. He's been working/living away the past 6 months. Both of us have travelled to/from to see each other.

I've been one sick pup the past week. Sinusitis, ear & chest infections, coughing up all sorts of things - you get the idea. He came to visit (even though I told him I'm hauled up in bed unable to do anything before he decided to come). Once he got here he was a right pest - kept trying to kiss me and get me into bed to "cuddle" etc even though I'm sweating buckets with a fever and spluttering my lungs up - who in this situation would really want a bloody make out session under the covers?!

Fast forward to the middle of the night, my fever is pretty bad and I'm in and out of sleep. I woke up several times in the night to him dry humping me, touching/kissing my boobs under my top. At the time I was too weak to even argue so I just lay there.

In the morning once I'd actually come to & had a bit of strength back in me. I woke up to him touching my boobs AGAIN. This time I slapped his hand off me and shouted "what the fuck?!?" And he just kind of rolled over away from me. I brought it up later on and at first he tried to pretend he couldn't remember any of that happening - almost as if my fever had made me hallucinate? But just before he left to go home he back tracked and said "sorry about last night" so it very clearly did happen.

I've been thinking about it all day today, I feel sick at the thought of him touching me like that, especially knowing how ill I've been. He's due back up in another 2 weeks and I honestly don't know how to face him. My mum is fucking useless - she thinks the sun shines out his arse so I can't tell her (she's blamed me for every breakup I've ever had).

On the one side, I'm unsure if I'm just over emotional because of how sick I've been and the other part of me is trying not to rage & relish in the image of setting him on fire.

Am I overreacting here? Wtf am I supposed to say to him? How am I even supposed to approach this with him? Arghhh :(

I also put up and shut up and he pushed and pushed the abuse and the degrading treatment further almost imperceptibly. I called him rapey and I wasn't wrong.

Touching someone sexually without their consent or when they are incapable of giving consent (eg sleeping) is sexual assault.

He's vile. And so is your mother.

I'd remove both from your life.

Just a quick update, I ended it with him and he didn't fight it like i thought he would which was actually a pleasant surprise.

I'm going to take a good few years out and focus on myself for a while.

Thank you all for your kind messages x

'I'm unsure if I'm just over emotional because of how sick I've been'

No, you're not being over emotional, this was sexual assault.

'I just need to stop crying and get a fucking grip of myself. I think one of my best friends knows I'm not right'

Your reaction to being sexually assaulted is perfectly reasonable.

Well done for ending it with him. xx

So sorry you went through such an experience. Hugs xxx

He's not surprised because he knows what he did was wrong and he doesn't have a leg to stand on! Hopefully this will teach him a lesson but I doubt it. Well done you.

@Fatshedra OP did explain. He did it again.

@Horrordoeurvres please do not overthink this and in doing so start normalising it. Either he cares so little for you that he put his needs above yours or as some have suggested he can't control himself. Either way it's just horrible. Please dump him.

Consider whether it's working for you living with your Mum. Can you not house share whilst got save? It may be slower but your well-being is worth it.

@Horrordoeurvres apologies - I was interrupted so many times that I didn't see your update. Well done you!

I just need to stop crying and get a fucking grip of myself
You were sexually assaulted.
You are allowed to cry.
As much as you bloody well want.
I'm sorry about your mother.
She is unpleasant and abusive to you.
How long before you can move out?
You are so young.
You'll have more relationships that end and it's nothing to do with her, why or how!
Have a look into some therapy.
And well done for ending it with him.
Concentrate on you for a while.

Very glad you've ended it. I hope your friend was supportive and that your Mum backs the F off!

You were not over-reacting in the slightest. What he did was disgusting.

You dump him and don’t look back. Fuck your mother. I stayed in an abusive relationship because it started shortly after I got married and I couldn’t bear the woman who gave birth to me banging in about it for the rest of my life - and so I stayed: I wish I could have my time over

Sorry - should have read on. You’ve dumped him - excellent news. You are worth so so so much more than him

I am so so glad you have finished with him. Someone did the very same to me once. I was older than you and dumped him as soon as I regained my strength. He kept saying "such a beautiful body going to waste beside me, who could resist?" I feel like crying / finding him to punch him in the face whenever I think of it.

But you are rid and well done you. Your mother is a more complicated problem. Can you move out?

I don't know - he's been on his own for months and so wants sex. Who wouldn't?
Just tell him what he did was wrong and why. Have you had occasions to pull him up before?
Do you normally have sex when you get together.
DH worked away for years and was always randy when he got home - just something I expected.

Something you expected and felt you had to conform to? Even if you felt unwell, not up for sex?

Raise your standard, they're far too low.

OP get rid, he's got no respect and wanting to,pressure someone who,is clearly unwell,is just vile.

I dumped a bloke for this very reason. Wouldn’t stop groping me. We’d be sat watching tv and his hand would go up my top. Can’t stand it. I couldn’t be with somebody who did that

1. Dump him
2. Forget about saving for a house, move out in rental for your own mental health