Expectations after a year and a half

[bbqcoals]

This may be a ' hiw long is a piece of string?' Question for some but generally if two early thirty somethings are together this amount time, spend some evenings together midweek and spend a decent amount of time together at weekends , what would general expectations be??
We live 25 miles away fromeach other , both work Monday to Friday, both drive.
I feel that I am being demanding or my expectations are higher for commitment to move in together or commit in some way.He is not ready for that he said.
We are very involved in our family's and friends social lives. We all get on well.
He prefers more space than I would like.
I know it's a general one but would appreciate an opinion if you would thanks

I must add that this is directly from my sister who is not a mn user and is upset or unsettled and feels that she can't discuss with close friends. Thanks

Well it's very clear cut. They both want different things at this stage and neither one of them is wrong.

I think neither of you are unreasonable, you just want different things at this stage in life so either one you needs to be willing to budge or you need to amicably part ways.

The key thing here is not anyone else's expectations but that there is a mismatch between you.

You aren't wrong to be looking for more commitment but he doesn't want to give it. Be aware that he may never want to give you the commitment you're looking for. The relationships board here is littered with threads from women whose BFs or DPs have never committed to the extent the posters would like.

What you need to decide is exactly what you want, and whether (or how long) you are happy to keep going in a relationship where he is happy for things to stay exactly as they are.

This man is very lovely and cares deeply for my sister. She cannot believe her luck but this is the only fly in the ointment.sje is ready to move in and take the next step. He is non committed . He cannot see beyond a year at a time and feels that he may be ready then as financially , he will not be.
It is difficult to advise as he is a top guy but if he really wanted her as part of his future, he would make sure there was no chance that he could lose her in my humble opinion.
She would love children. He is not ready yet but told her that he isn't stopping her if that what she really wants, just not with him.

He may well be a lovely guy. But he's a lovely guy who does not want to have children in the next few years nor move in with your sister.

She needs to decide what she wants. If it's marriage and babies, this is not the man for her (however much they like each other).

I find that quite unusual at that age, with no kids involved, together for that length of time.

In my own experience and from what I’ve seen in friends’ relationships, when a couple are really into each other and want the same things the relationship can move pretty quickly. In the few serious relationships I’ve had we’ve always been living together by or at the year mark.

You want commitment and some proof this is going somewhere and he’s keeping you at arm’s length. I hate to say it but that doesn’t sound like the actions of a guy who’s crazy about his girlfriend. Especially as there’s no forward momentum, no plans to move in or get married or anything, it sounds like he’s quite happy just having a live apart casual girlfriend and you want something serious so you’re on different pages entirely.

Nothing wrong with either person’s wishes but you’re totally incompatible. At eighteen months into my current relationship we’d been living together for six months, were saving for a house, and knew roughly when we planned to TTC and marry, and that’s not unusual imo. When you’re no longer in your teens/very early twenties people know what they want and go for it.

If you want commitment I’d move on tbh. I would hate to be in your shoes, it’d really impact my well-being knowing that I was way more into it than him.

If I were her I'd let her go. He's told her he's not ready to commit and have children - she's in her thirties and at that point in her life where she wants those things, so she needs to find someone who wants them, too.

She would love children. He is not ready yet but told her that he isn't stopping her if that what she really wants, just not with him.

Gosh yeah, in her thirties wanting kids she needs to bail ASAP!

just not with him

That's what she needs to focus on. She can't stay with him and then complain later if it's too late for her to have a baby. He's told her now that he does not want a child with her.

It's sad for her, but actually it's lucky he told her now.

If she wants children she needs to find someone else to have them with. This man isn’t ready to commit to her or have children.

I know this sounds blunt, but she would be better off to plan to have a baby on her own than to hope this man will change in the next year or two. Tell her to stop wasting her fertile years and to move on.

It is so heart wrenching for her as he is truly a lovely guy who seems to really like her and spoils her rotten when he is with her. However, he lives a fast paced life And is very sociable and outgoing. There is always a party or a stag or a wedding to go to. He does bring her to most couples events but he still enjoys his boys weekends on a regular basis.For her I think it's hard to reconcile a man who shows her so much love and attention but who also doesn't want to move in together or have kids in the foreeeable future, as in possibly years . It's hard to advise here because she would have a great life with him but there are no signs that he wants to take a serious step despite being so far in.does she wait or give it time. He has been honest and as I mentioned in a pp, he said he is s not standing in her way down if she wants to leave and have a baby.

27 and 30 here. We moved in together after 1year and 3 months and are about to go shopping for an engagement ring for our 2 year anniversary for a wedding probably in another 2 years.

Then will be looking to buy a family home (currently own a property each) and start a family when I’m in my early 30s.

We started talking about a long term future at around the 1 year mark and discussing how we’d like to make it happen. Lots of discussion about values, beliefs, long term plans over the last year and now about to take the plunge. A bit quicker than in my previous relationships but it feels very right and we both agree that we know ourselves better and are better established than we were in our early twenties and ready to commit to something we really believe in.

I would have concerns if he wasn’t “ready” because I very much am. My partner’s logic was that if I’m ready to move on, he think I’m the one he didn’t want to lose me because of a matter of timing. He asked about my ideals, went away and thought about it, came back with his own thoughts and together we put together a plan that works for us both “e.g. move in in X month and then review after 6 months, as both blissfully happy, discuss next steps”. I said I would be happy to get married after 3 years, he said 4, ai agreed as gave us longer to save, etc!

Your DSis is in her 30s and needs to be settling down if she wants to have children without too many problems. Over 35 is considered 'geriatric' don't forget!

She would love children. He is not ready yet but told her that he isn't stopping her if that what she really wants, just not with him

This tells her all she needs to know. Sad but true. She needs to cut this one loose and find someone on the same page. This guy may have all the time in the world, but she doesn't.

He prefers more space than I would like.
She would love children. He is not ready yet but told her that he isn't stopping her if that what she really wants, just not with him.
It's pretty clear they want different things and it's not going anywhere.

but if he really wanted her as part of his future, he would make sure there was no chance that he could lose her in my humble opinion

So he should have to do something he doesn’t want to rather than lose her?

You can just as easily turn that around, if she truly wanted him then kids and marriage etc wouldn’t matter, him alone on her life would be enough.

And lately she has said this exact sentence.. that she may possibly forfeit the idea of children and marriage if it means being with him. This upsets me as she has always wanted to be a mum, all her life. It was always her non negotiable. I see that many things, event, sports, places that he is passionate about ,that she disliked intensely, are now all new areas of interest to her so that worries me that she is s trying to change herself to suit his wants.

Maybe they both need to take a step back and assess what they want from the relationship.

He has said he isn’t ready for those things, however is this something he wants in the future?

She could waste years on someone who just isn’t that into her

She does need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion about what they want from life. Both need to listen to each other and then decide is what either want worth comprimising for a relationship. I was 22 and halfway through college when met my partner, moved in together after two years (Which is hard work and really tests your realtionship)it meant i sacrificed gilry holidays etc (As had a mortgage to pay) But we knew what our goals where in life. We both agreed that we didnt want children aswell early on. Here we are though 14 years later and only got engaged last year, wedding is next year, as we both were not ready nor wnated till now. Yes i am the last of my friends and family to get marrried (and believe me at one stage it felt that i was the only one not getting married) but our realtionship has gone at the pace we both want. Thats what makes it work, you life your life at the pace you both want and take the next stage when you are both ready. Please do not feel pressurised because thats what society says is the next stage

So does he love her?
When I met dp I didn't want to marry or move in.
But I did want a commitment.
Has she got that ?
Within 6 months we both agreed this was it.
4 years later we got married.
We have a wonderful son and very happy together 25 yrs.
but not sure your sister has this or that her bf is just passing the time with her ..,...

Yip. Says he loves her. I'm her sister so I'm protective as she has had bad experiences in the past. He shoes her love when with her but is quite comfortable leaving her for days and week on end to pursue social
Life with friends. Something is niggling though.
I am used to men pursuing the women of n their lives when they love them. He doesn't pursue. She fits in around his plans mostly. He is lovely though and treats her welll when they are together. I can't work it out though.

"He is not ready yet but told her that he isn't stopping her if that what she really wants, just not with him."

He's just not that into her I'm afraid. Actions speaj louder than words and as you've said, he doesn't persue her and she is doing everything to fit in with him. If he was really into her, he'd be pulling out all the stops.

I've only been with DP 10 months, but I know how important I am to him and how he prioritises me, because he adores me and he shows this through actions as well as words. We are also older and know what we want this time around so are very clear that this is long term and things will move forward when logistics can be arranged. I have zero doubts, as does he about me.

The reason you and your sister are questioning it is because he isn't serious about her, demonstrated by his 'couldn't give a shit' attitude towards her wanting children.

Thought I'd share a guys perspective on this one and echoing what others have said.

"He is not ready yet but told her that he isn't stopping her if that what she really wants, just not with him."

This pretty much says it all. The fact that he's suggesting a route out is very telling - "you can have what you want with someone else" - is a massive indicator he's not that into her.

I met my now wife when I was just turning 30. Was offered a dream job in another country just a couple of months into our relationship, which I turned down because, deep down, I knew I considered her to be the one for me. Consciously didnt admit it to myself at that stage, but the prospect of being away from her brought into focus that under no circumstances did I want to risk the possibility of losing her.

When you know, you know. This guy obviously doesnt know, and after a year and a half together he REALLY should know of shes the one for him or not.

As a rule, if someone is so invested in someone emotionally, they'd move heaven and earth to keep them happy.

So I'm in my 40s and after a long 25 + year marriage ( and a couple of years on my own ) met my now dp .
After 12 months we decided it was time to introduce to my dc and family .
We've now enjoyed 2 1/2 years together .... similar situation ..... 30 miles apart and both have full time demanding careers .
See each other most weekends and sometimes a weeknight .
Have already planned next 12 months holidays and initial chats re selling houses and moving in happening probs next year .

Everyone a different but certainly for me I would absolutely not want to be moving in 18 months after meeting .
I wanted to enjoy every minute and look back on these early years with the happy memories of romance / dating / holidays / amazing sex etc before washing his underwear !
Dont get me wrong I'm also hugely excited to live together but dont want to rush the here and now. .
If my dp knew how much I actually wanted to live with him and have him propose he'd probs run a mile !
Less is more .... enjoy and be happy by yourself and you'll be more attractive to your oh I think in the long run .
That's just what works for me thou so if you set you own boundaries and have the confidence to be firm and open about them all the better .
Good luck x

She's made it so easy for him to be nice all the time though. Slotting in with his life and taking up his interests - what's not to like? He might say he loves her, but how can he, he doesn't know her because she's not really being true to herself.

He might 'treat her like a queen' but has he ever actually made a meaningful compromise for her? Romantic gestures and treating someone well on dates isn't a sign of love IMHO, it's too easy.

It says it all that he's told her she's free to go if she doesn't like it. He probably does like having her around, but he doesn't sound that bothered does he. I don't think weak sentiments like that get any better after 18 months in.