Expectations after a year and a half

[bbqcoals]

This may be a ' hiw long is a piece of string?' Question for some but generally if two early thirty somethings are together this amount time, spend some evenings together midweek and spend a decent amount of time together at weekends , what would general expectations be??
We live 25 miles away fromeach other , both work Monday to Friday, both drive.
I feel that I am being demanding or my expectations are higher for commitment to move in together or commit in some way.He is not ready for that he said.
We are very involved in our family's and friends social lives. We all get on well.
He prefers more space than I would like.
I know it's a general one but would appreciate an opinion if you would thanks

I had 2 boyfriends in my late 20s early 30s. I liked them, but knew deep down they weren't for me long term. Both started hinting (then pressurising) after 1 year about moving to the next stage (living together) which i strongly resisted. Then we eventually split. When i met my now DH, it was the same pattern ( ie conversation after 1 year about the future) and i went with it whole heartedly. We got married after 2 years together and have kids.

Sadly, he's just not into her enough.

He’s not that into her.

Given her age and desire for DC she should cut her losses with this one IMO.

I agree with other PPs who say he's just not into her.
A friend of mine was in a similar situation to your sister and ended the relationship.
Within 3 months her ex partner had met someone else and at the end of the first year had moved in with his new partner and was expecting a baby.
Whilst your sister's DP is happy with things as they are, I get the impression he doesn't feel she is 'the one'.

He’s just not that into her. He doesn’t mind if she goes off to have kids with someone else, he’ll find a new GF. He enjoys being with her but she’s just an option for him.

What they are both wanting from this relationship are two completely different things.

He will also leave her when he finds “the one” he does love and wants to share his life with, and have kids with. When this happens I hope she has time to find someone else and she hasn’t left having kids too late.

Why didn’t you mention in your original post that he’s said he doesn’t want children? That is far more of a deal breaker than him not being ready to commit to loving together. That’s a really fundamental difference of outlook. There’s really no point pushing to live with someone if ultimately you want kids and they don’t. You cannot expect him to change his mind on that point.

It’s time to find someone more compatible.

"He is not ready yet but told her that he isn't stopping her if that what she really wants, just not with him*

This is it in a nutshell tbh.

Your sister is very convenient at the moment, but he wouldn't be devastated to lose her.

She fits round his plans. Slots into his life. For now.

Hate to say it, but he's waiting for something better to come along and your sister is a convenient placeholder at the moment.

Treating her well is the absolute minimum you would expect in a relationship, so I'm unsure why you keep mentioning it as a big positive.

She should be treated well. He is actually doing her a kindness saying go off and have kids with someone else if she wants to. At least he is being honest with her.

It's up to your sister what she decides to do with it, but if it was one of my sister's, I would be advising her to assess what she wants and move on.

He doesn’t want DC now. He may (or may not) want DC in future, and is likely to have the option.

His words and behaviour indicate that he’s not that into her.

Your sister does want a long term relationship and DC. If this takes years, fertility is a potential challenge. Deciding not to have DC to keep a man who isn’t into you is a bad plan.

While she’s dating him, she’s much less likely to date a man who is into her and wants DC with her.

It sounds like he's a party boy and she's a pretty and amenable girl that he likes to have on his arm when company is required.

He might say he loves her, and spend money on her, but does he do things that shows he really loves her, like mopping up sick if she has a D&V bug?

I think he loves doing his own thing too much. He may well settle down when he's in his fifties and everyone's stopped inviting him on these activity-filled weekends, but she shouldn't have to wait.

And she definitely shouldn't start to compromise herself into trying to be his perfect woman. He'll still not want to commit, even if she's his mirror image.

If she wants children and he is not sure if he does at his age my advice would be to think very hard about if she wants to stay with him. I say this because I stuck with someone who always said he didn't want marriage and children in the hope he would change his mind. We now have one child as he knew how much I wanted one and he is a very good dad but I have had to compromise at one child as he wouldn't have another. I do wonder what life would have been like if I'd let someone who wanted more children and marriage. The reality is people don't change much unless they really want to.

Without a doubt she needs to move on. She's wasting valuable years.

Your sister(?) needs to stop being so damn passive and putting her goals on hold for a commitment phobe.

I've been with my fiancé just over 18 months and we're getting married next year and TTC. We live together too.

If they wanted to actually be together and have a decent future together then they would.

It sounds like he has a lovely lifestyle which he is clearly enjoying so it’s completely understandable that he doesn’t want that to change. That’s fine. It also sounds as if he is realistic enough to realise that she might not be willing to go along with it. He has already realised that she might have to have kids with someone else. I think sadly they are incompatible and if she really wants commitment and a family then she will need to look for someone who can give her that. It’s not fair to try and pressure the current guy into these things. She should be glad that she has only spent 18 months on the relationship, some people waste many more years before realising they want different things.

It's not even so much about the possibility of children (although I do agree that he's got time to waste on that). It's the 'oh you care welcome to find someone else if you want to do that' bit of the situation.

That is not what you say when you adore someone. It's a very clear indication that (as PP have pointed out) he's just not that into her.

She runs the risk of wasting her early and mid 30s on a guy who has be crystal clear he won't commit and then him ending it and deciding to settle down and have a family with someone else (specifically someone younger) when he gets to 40ish.

This is where the head needs to overrule the heart I’m afraid.

She may think he is fab. But he is fab for the situation they are in. Both living their own lives.

He is not fab for a future partnership or commitment. He has been honest. She just needs to listen.

Thanks.
I fear that she may accept not having kids to stay with him. Buy as many pp's pointed out he may finish with her st any time and say' but I never promised you anything'. The majority think he not into her enough and I can see why.
It is when they are together he appears very much in love but perhaps like so many his words and actions are entirely different.

As many pps have said he definitely doesn't love her enough for her to be making life decisions around him - he isn't prepared to give up anything for her and this is unlikely to change especially given that he has actually said that to her face.

If she didn't want kids it would be very different but the worst part of all of this is that she could hang around waiting for him to change his mind only for him to do so once it is too late for her, they split up, he meets a younger woman who he does start a family with and how will that feel for her - this is a distinct possibility. Men don't need to commit to us because we are busy having the lives of Riley and we don't feel the need to make demands because we also have interesting lives and we can feel much younger than we are for a long time. However, biology is biology no matter how youthful we look or act and suddenly it's too late and we are no longer in a position to easily have children. Sadly though, they still are - men have very different biology to us.

Your sister needs to be very explicit about what she wants from him and if he isn't prepared to give it then she needs to accept that what he is telling her is reality and what he is offering is all that is going to kept not he table - that he doesn't have deeper hidden feelings. Men today are often ridiculously confident that no matter how great what they have in that moment may be, they can always find the same, or even better, easily. This guy sounds like one of those and tbh those guys are not the ones who are there for us in our darkest hours. We need to stop enabling this kind of scummy behaviour and see it for the selfishness that it is.

If your sister is happy with him then she can choose to accept it and make the best of it but she does need to do it knowing that this probably means choosing not to have kids for a guy who is telling her straight that he is unwilling to make any commitment to her, who can (and probably will) leave at any time and who isn't harbouring secret feelings that he hasn't recognised yet - he is exactly who says he is!

It's easy to be loved up in person, especially when it's casual and more or less all on your terms.

But the rest of it is very telling. This is not a committed relationship and he's only in it as long as it's fun and convenient for him. He's clear about that.

There seems to be an undertone on here of ‘oh if he loved her enough then of course he would settle down and have kids with her’. This isn’t fair. Not everyone wants to settle down and have kids. He probably does love her, but they just want different things.

The undertone is because he has outright told her that she is welcome to find someone else if she wants kids. That's a long way from: I adore you and want uk be with you but I'm just not ready for kids/sure I'll ever want them.

It's fine if he doesn't want kids. And fine if he wants a more casual relationship. But I wouldn't advise anyone to pin any hopes on someone who has told them that it's fine if they want to find someone else.

She should move on from him. He sounds like he's happy to spend time with her on his terms only. He has also literally said he doesn't mind if she goes and has a child without him. Perhaps he actually wants to end the relationship and is hoping she will do it so he doesn't look like a bad guy?

There are loads of threads on here from women who have stayed with men who have put off marriage and babies and who have ended up on their own when said man finds someone he does want those things with. Mostly when men say they are not ready, or don't believe in marriage it means not with their current partner.

She still has time at early 30s. I met DH just before I turned 35 and had DD at 37. My friends have had babies at 40.

Tinkerbellx

Dont get me wrong I'm also hugely excited to live together but dont want to rush the here and now. .
If my dp knew how much I actually wanted to live with him and have him propose he'd probs run a mile !

I find your post really strange, like on one hand you really desperately do want to move in and get engaged/married, but at the same time you’re making a big thing about not being ready and not wanting to ‘rush’. Is it actually honestly you who wants to wait for those things? Or are you doing that thing so many people have done where you try and rein in your enthusiasm and readiness to progress to match the less enthusiastic partner, almost trying to convince yourself you really want this slow delayed start when in reality deep down you would much rather move forwards now?

Anyway OP, your sister is making her choice and he’s been upfront with her, I actually really admire that he is being honest about what he wants and not leading her on, he’s telling her clearly if she wants kids she needs to find someone else and that makes him a far better more honest man than someone pretending for ages that kids and commitment are right around the corner. He’s very ‘this is what I want, if you want this then great and if not, you have my blessing to move on’. If your sister is mistaking his very clear words and actions for something different then that’s on her. She knows he isn’t interested in kids, she is, so at this point to be blunt if she is choosing to stay with him she’s making the choice to put whatever she has with him above having children and marriage. Which is entirely her choice and not something you can or should try change. Her life and all that. Whatever she is choosing works for her on some level or she wouldn’t be doing it!

It doesn’t sound like it’s quite “the one” for him. He likes her, but had actually said she should move on if she wants children- that is him being 100% honest, cards on the table.. She can’t sit there thinking he doesn’t mean it and he might change his mind. She needs someone on the same page (who also adores her and treats her really well..)

He likes her, he doesn’t love her

She might be willing to give up the idea if children to be with him, but she needs reminding he isn’t interested in making any more of a commitment than he has now. Is that what she wants forever? Yes he’s says ‘maybe next year’ but that’s easy to say. She has to decide on what she KNOWS to be true and that’s, that he makes a fuss of her when they’re together, but he’s just as happy not being together.

He’s not just ‘standing aside’ - he’s happy in his lane while she’s in her lane.

As Woo said, he may settle down in his forties with someone younger because he can. He doesn't sound ready to do that with your sister and she will most probably build up huge resentment/waste her fertile years waiting on this one. Time to move on. Easy to say when you have feelings for someone. Also difficult to take advice however well meaning. Perhaps some counselling for her to get some objectivity and explore her feelings?

I was in a situation kind of similar. With a guy for year and half, spent time with eachother most weekends plus went out occasional evening in the week. He didnt seem to want to commit and wanted space. I have a child and actually didnt have them meet as even though i really liked him, i was unsure of where things were going. I wanted more than what he wanted and i guess this began to show in being disappointed at him not meeting expectations. And then if i mentioned something eg i had barely seen him for a few weeks at one week and he seemed not as interested as usual when i tried to organise things..he snapped and said overall he needs space and would like to distance. I was confused but respected and went along with it but it was hard. He started being really weird with me and it all came to a head a few months later and we had a fallout. He blocked me and we havent spoken since.

I came to the conclusion that if he was as interested in me as i was him, we would be together and things wouldve been alot better and less confusing overall. If he wants space then hes either not that into you or hes still trying to figure out what he wants