Dp and Ds 8th birthday yesterday.

[Fedupofitnow123]

It was ds's birthday yesterday, on Friday I went and got his gifts while doing the weekly shop, Saturday went into town to get his cake twice! as Ds was with me and decided on one that needed to be made so we collected later in the evening.

DP had promised DS to go to softplay on Sunday (his birthday), Sunday comes around and I'm finding DS something to wear and say about "when we come back...." and DP shouts through, "We're not going" I ignored it...

Next I'm in the kitchen and DP comes in "We don't really have to go do we?" I said yes as DS has been looking forward to it and he promised DS.

The DP comes up with a genius plan wherby we invite some of DS friends (a family 5 minutes walk away) and then DP can stay at home, so I agree, I know if he comes now he'll be extremely moody and ruin it. This has happened before with a planned bike ride, DP promised it, didn't want to go on the actual day (as always) and then had a MASSIVE tantrum, he refused to talk to me for the entire bike ride.

So I agreed, I phoned my friend and she said they'd love to go. The plan was to go to her house, then to lidl and catch the bus together.
When I got to her house she wasn't ready, ended up making all the kids lunch and we left after 2 hours. Got to softplay, left softplay and then my oyster wasn't working so we all walked home.

It took a bit longer than expected and we reached home at 5pm. I asked DP if he had started the roast dinner (DS requested birthday meal) and he said no, later adding "Why should I slave around in the kitchen while you and DS have a day out" (I'd already prepared it all in the morning, he just needed to turn it on) Before we left for softplay, he had told DS that he wasn't going as he was going to the shop to buy DS his gifts (Lie as I'd already got and wrapped them). When we came back DP had got the gifts and the cake and set them up nicely. It was lovely. DS was excited as only asked for 1 toy but got 3. All the way through DS was saying "Thanks dad, thanks dad for the gifts" DP said nothing.

I was cooking the meal and asked DP to make fresh gravy (I am rubbish at it) He did and said you can make gravy from water or milk, I made a comment that from milk sounds disgusting, he gave me an absolutely filthy look and started having a go saying I never try new foods, (not true). The led on to I always finish what he is saying and I'm obviously not interested onto how I am not "here" in my head, and always floating away somewhere. (Because he'd made me cry and I wasn't completely over everything instantly) At one point he even said "That's what happened, accept it", he told me how I behave and then when I disagreed he later said that "we had agreed that I was behaving in such a way" I asked him to stop numerous times as it was DS's birthday.

He wouldn't. He then had a go at me for taking DS out with another family on his birthday, and when I said "Maybe you should have come then!" He flew off the handle saying I had said he was a bad dad! He would not stop shouting, I tried to DS's cake, asked him if he wanted to sing "happy birthday" with us, he accused me of asking him if he wants to have cake with us, thus calling him a bad dad again. No amount of "I never said that" mattered. I relented, cut DS his cake, apologised to him and we tried to play xbox while DP was still going on.

He eventually stopped, and then never spoke to me at all for the rest of the evening (so from 8pm onwards) Went to bed alone (unusual for us) Refused to touch me in the night.

Then today, he sends me a message saying "we had to buy ds presents on credit" as if that's an excuse.

I am utterly fed up of this now. I did so much yet it still wasn't enough. He tried to hug me this morning (after he came back from work because it was cold) and I'm just sick of it. AIBU in any of this?

The point of no return is what is truly keeping me hear, I realise I'm so damaged and I'm glad @toxiccat got the police involved straight away, its keeping me on the right track

With creatures like this attack is best form of defence.

Keep on keeping on as they say. Don’t let up with police, definitely consider getting your son in a school that way you are seen to be creating a new life for you all.engage and instigate contact with children’s service and take all the help and advice you can get. Get legal advice hit the ground running. You are the only fit parent here. He’s showing that in spades, because he’s so self obsessed: the ultimate characteristic of any kind of abusive shit like this.

I’ve been there and left with two children when I was pregnant with my third. Some days you feel like you can get up never mind put one foot in front of the other but you do and you can. My kids live with me and he has very little in the way of rights. They won’t even see him without me and he hates me but I am in control and he knows it. It eats him up and it kills him that I am coping. Boy just coping but doing well.I see him for what he is now and it was all smoke and mirrors. I am able to do this for my children since I know now that Abusers are just desparate sad cowards and once you stop being terrified by their threats you see this. We have a new house, lots of friends and while it is hard going sometimes I feel like I am a woman and mother in charge of my own life

It took a long time for me to realise how strong I must have been to do all I did as I was mostly so frightened. Please allow yourself to believe how strong and what a good mother you are before I did for myself. Because you are. When I truly saw it I broke down, it was like grieving for myself and my children but out of it I redefined myself.

Sending you love and strength.

Goodness, of course you needed to send the police his number!

I know that for you, personally, that is a huge thing to do and I know it was another step over another threshold - but for us looking on from the outside, it is absolutely the right thing.

He needs to understand that he cannot dictate the world you live in and that the 'family' he has created is not recognised as healthy or safe by the outside world, morally or legally.

He considers that you 'have nothing to lose'. He has done enough damage to your Ds. You have his emotional well being to lose, and you own sense of your self. Your dignity, your self respect, your sanity and your happiness.

Don’t feel you need to send your ds to school, assuming he’s happy being home educated. People shouldn’t be suggesting that that’s somehow necessary as you’ve fled abuse and sending him against both of your wishes is the last thing either of you need. It might be worth making contact with your LA if you feel that would help (e.g. if your ex is likely to be try and use it against you, he sounds like the type who might get all ‘concerned for ds/invisible child’ regardless of how he was before as he’s clearly manipulative). I hope there’s a good home ed community for you both near your sister so you can make some new connections.

I've read the OP, and a few replies, then seen it's now on page 27 and it appears you've either left him or thrown him out.

I just want to say bravo. The way you were being treated was appalling. Thank god you have ended this situation and I absolutely applaud you for the strength to do it.

Wishing you every happiness in your pregnancy, you sound like a fantastic mother, and your son is very lucky to have you, and no longer has this male "role model" to pick up habits from.

Well, hes now contacted saying we should have a mediator and to ask if my mum would do it, I'm going to ring the phone number given to me by the police, wish my sister was here today, she's been a bit like a safety net if you know what I mean.

Ex made comments about coming to get him on the train and taking him home to his own room.

Sorry the phone number is a solicitor

good idea. also speak to the police, absolutely keep them in the loop.

and no to mediation. you dont mediate with an abuser, nor go to counselling.

and he cannot take him away as, I dont believe, he has parental responsibility, nor is he the main carer, nor does your son wish to go with him, having been the one pleaading with you to leave

No to mediation. @NettleTea is right.

He will twist and manipulate. And your Mum can't be the mediator anyway as she's not neutral. He wants to bully you both.

Tell ex that if he comes anywhere near you, you will call the police immediately. He doesn't know how much stronger you've become in the past week. And you really have!!!

Keep calling the police every time he contacts you. We can hold your hand until your sister gets back.

Hes begging me to let him know if we are going back or not, said he feels sick from worrying and I feel actually awful, I would want to know too, I feel so bad, rang solicitor who said to keep ignoring, but this is entirely against my nature, I feel like such a bad person! I feel so bad

Be strong!! Think of the children, everything you are doing now is for them and how he is feeling should not come into it. This has all come about from his abusive behaviour.
Is it not possible for you to block his number?

@fedupofitnow I'm sorry I'm not with you today this has taken so much longer than I expected xx love you so much and I'm so bloody proud of you and behind you every step of the way

Op this man is a fucking psycho. We’re on page 27 now and every single person who’s commented has told you this man is absolutely batshit! YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING!!! You seem to think this stuff is more normal than it is , probably because he’s broken you down bit by bit. I’ve never even heard of an abuser using spy cams indoors. He is one sick fuck. Keep on going op, and make sure you give/tell the police everything. At some point in the future he’s going to come for contact with your son. You NEED this evidence to stop him regaining control

Right OP tough love time I'm afraid...

THIS MAN IS A CUNT

He would happily do things that make you AND your son unhappy and at risk if it means he gets his way.

CONCEDING TO WHAT HE WANTS IS NOT PUTTING YOUR SON FIRST

And we know you're a brilliant mum so you mustn't let him make you think otherwise!

I know it feels so hard at the moment but picture yourself looking at your lovely DS five years from today and feeling so relieved you stood your ground and didn't give up any of the control you have finally got back.

You've done so well, you've involved the authorities and legal representatives. Do what they tell you to do for now - try and think of it that way. You have told the authorities he is abusive, they will expect you to do everything in your power to keep you and your son safe.

Please hold on OP I promise it will be easier, you're at the toughest point now - don't go backwards.

We are all willing you on

This man knows how to play you .
He will never change.
Had you gone back, you would be writing all of this again very soon.
So pleased you decided to grab a life instead for 2020. Onwards and upwards xxxx

He’s made his bed, and now he has to lie in it.

Ofcourse he ‘feels sick from worrying’ that he has lost control of you and ds. He is tucking on your heart strings, as abusive men so often do.

You can’t really compare with how you would feel in his situation, because he is not like you; you would never have treated anyone the way he has treated you.

These men know the best way to manipulate kind and loving people is to appeal to our empathy.

It is all a manipulative trick, maybe even one he has been succesful with in the past.

His situation now is entirely of his own making. No one owes him sympathy, least of all you.

every text he sends he is digging him in a little bit deeper.

he is following the abusers script

he has done the apologies and the sorry and the 'I will change'. It didnt work

Now he has moved on to the pity party and guilt.
He knows you are good and kind but you need to stand strong because it has as much truth to it as the sorry did.

he is just trying every technique to try to find your weak spot - its so obvious, like a toddler trying everything in the repetoire to get their own way

There are other approaches. If you can try to detatch, you can try to make a game of seeing which he will try next and award yourself a prize when he does

what have you wanted most in the world?? I expect him to offer it

what are you most scared of, I expect he will threaten it.

he will tell you how he is crying and broken

he will soon turn to anger, he will call you names

he will say you are mental and that you are not a fit mother - threaten to take DS away

he will probably say life isnt worth living and insinuate that he is going to kill himself - although he may have a diagnosis of something seious first.

he might flounce, saying 'you will never see me again' hoping you will chase him up

make a bingo card. when he has hit all of the targets, laugh at how pathetic he is and buy you and your son something nice.

Stay strong and dont respond.

The instant you do he will know exactly how many emails and which buttons to push to get you to engage with him.

and I disagree with the previous poster - had you gone back you wouldnt be writing this, because after you leaving once he would make damn sure that you had NO WAY of contacting the outside world - key loggers on any computer, switching off router when he is out, removing your phone. That house was like a surveillance unit, but if you go back it will be your and your son's tourture cell, and my god you will have hell to pay for having dared to leave.

You are all so right and I'm so glad I posted when feeling really weak, I've taken the step and blocked for good, hes hung himself enough, I dont need to read anymore of it! Its blocked and done! I feel strong and in control again, thank you!

YES! You come here any time you feel like you're tempted and we will give you tough love and then proud love afterwards!

Well done, Fedup.

Well done for blocking, and well done for posting here when you feel those weaker moments.

I’m late to posting on this thread, but the support from other Mumsnetters is frankly amazing.

Well done! come back ANY TIME you feel weak. You are doing really well, under difficult circumstances. It's normal to waver after such a huge change but as long as you post and/or talk to your lovely sister about these little weakness times, you'll get through them and come out stronger.

@fedupofitnow123 - I read your posts originally but missed all the updates. YOu're doing amazingly well and you have great support so keep strong. DS will probably have ups and downs but he's going to see what"normal" families are like and that they're not perfect but they stand by each other.

I can only hear “you’ve made my dreams come true” as said by your ds when you said you were leaving.

It helps to have a mantra to hold onto, and none better than this.

Be strong and absolutely post here when you’re feeling wobbly, we don’t have the poison in our system that you do. You’re well on the way to detoxing, we’ll be here all the way, no matter what time it is, mumsnet is global, and always happy to help someone as brave as you op.