Dp and Ds 8th birthday yesterday.

[Fedupofitnow123]

It was ds's birthday yesterday, on Friday I went and got his gifts while doing the weekly shop, Saturday went into town to get his cake twice! as Ds was with me and decided on one that needed to be made so we collected later in the evening.

DP had promised DS to go to softplay on Sunday (his birthday), Sunday comes around and I'm finding DS something to wear and say about "when we come back...." and DP shouts through, "We're not going" I ignored it...

Next I'm in the kitchen and DP comes in "We don't really have to go do we?" I said yes as DS has been looking forward to it and he promised DS.

The DP comes up with a genius plan wherby we invite some of DS friends (a family 5 minutes walk away) and then DP can stay at home, so I agree, I know if he comes now he'll be extremely moody and ruin it. This has happened before with a planned bike ride, DP promised it, didn't want to go on the actual day (as always) and then had a MASSIVE tantrum, he refused to talk to me for the entire bike ride.

So I agreed, I phoned my friend and she said they'd love to go. The plan was to go to her house, then to lidl and catch the bus together.
When I got to her house she wasn't ready, ended up making all the kids lunch and we left after 2 hours. Got to softplay, left softplay and then my oyster wasn't working so we all walked home.

It took a bit longer than expected and we reached home at 5pm. I asked DP if he had started the roast dinner (DS requested birthday meal) and he said no, later adding "Why should I slave around in the kitchen while you and DS have a day out" (I'd already prepared it all in the morning, he just needed to turn it on) Before we left for softplay, he had told DS that he wasn't going as he was going to the shop to buy DS his gifts (Lie as I'd already got and wrapped them). When we came back DP had got the gifts and the cake and set them up nicely. It was lovely. DS was excited as only asked for 1 toy but got 3. All the way through DS was saying "Thanks dad, thanks dad for the gifts" DP said nothing.

I was cooking the meal and asked DP to make fresh gravy (I am rubbish at it) He did and said you can make gravy from water or milk, I made a comment that from milk sounds disgusting, he gave me an absolutely filthy look and started having a go saying I never try new foods, (not true). The led on to I always finish what he is saying and I'm obviously not interested onto how I am not "here" in my head, and always floating away somewhere. (Because he'd made me cry and I wasn't completely over everything instantly) At one point he even said "That's what happened, accept it", he told me how I behave and then when I disagreed he later said that "we had agreed that I was behaving in such a way" I asked him to stop numerous times as it was DS's birthday.

He wouldn't. He then had a go at me for taking DS out with another family on his birthday, and when I said "Maybe you should have come then!" He flew off the handle saying I had said he was a bad dad! He would not stop shouting, I tried to DS's cake, asked him if he wanted to sing "happy birthday" with us, he accused me of asking him if he wants to have cake with us, thus calling him a bad dad again. No amount of "I never said that" mattered. I relented, cut DS his cake, apologised to him and we tried to play xbox while DP was still going on.

He eventually stopped, and then never spoke to me at all for the rest of the evening (so from 8pm onwards) Went to bed alone (unusual for us) Refused to touch me in the night.

Then today, he sends me a message saying "we had to buy ds presents on credit" as if that's an excuse.

I am utterly fed up of this now. I did so much yet it still wasn't enough. He tried to hug me this morning (after he came back from work because it was cold) and I'm just sick of it. AIBU in any of this?

@Fedupofitnow123 - you’re doi just fine! Expect the bumps in the road, but you’ll get past them and find yourself in a better place in time.

@AFairlyHardAvocado wow! Just wow! What an epiphany!

I realised it meant that only his hurt was important enough to fuel a desire to change. My hurt over the previous few years wasn't enough. Years of me crying, sobbing, begging, losing all my confidence and him retaining total control

I Left my ex almost 10 years ago, and never realised ^ this! You’re dead right!! 100% thank you! Talk about a massive missing piece in the puzzle! I never understood why all my reasoned arguments, begging, resolve or tears made absolutely no difference at all.

Well done. Stay strong xxx

DN and I picked up my DC from school today and he said something that really struck my heart "I can not forgive DU until I know he wont do what my DF did" when I asked him what this was he replied " he would say sorry but be really horrible even after saying sorry" when DN told my DP he forgives him today I could have cried, I had to quietly explain why it was so difficult for DN, my DS is so bloody strong and I'm so proud of her.

Those who may be wondering how I reacted to the events over the weekend my brother told me "your like the hulk screaming at DP and hen Bruce banner when talking to me and my gf" I lost my absolute s* with DP, he hasn't stopped apologising and asking how he can fix what hes done.

Cant wait for xmas and to celebrate it with my sister and nephew

ToxicCat
DN needs to see how men can react appropriately, including when they mess up. So your DP has the opportunity now to model mature adult behaviour to your DN. His dominant male role model has been his father so to see that men can and do take responsibility when they mess up is a good thing.

@MzHz

I Left my ex almost 10 years ago, and never realised ^ this! You’re dead right!! 100% thank you! Talk about a massive missing piece in the puzzle! I never understood why all my reasoned arguments, begging, resolve or tears made absolutely no difference at all.

Ah I'm so glad if it's helped at all, it was such a realisation to me and gave me real peace to finish that chapter in my life!

I also realised he only ever said "I love you" with a "but" in front. I did this terrible thing but I love you. You can't leave you think I'm awful but I love you.

If anyone else ever starts saying "but" I love you again then I'll be doing some serious thinking. Happy you got out too

So its been a tough day emotionally here, left the phone on as he seems to be messaging highlighting all the things he's done so leaving it on for evidence, but he text saying he cant leave ds and will be coming to look for him.

I've cried a lot, a hell of a lot, am exhausted now! Dsis has been fantastic once again today!

@AFairlyHardAvocado well well written.
Wonderful insight.

Well done op. We are all rooting for ya and wishing you all the love, support and
Strength you need to get through. You're not alone.

@AFairlyHardAvocado really good post thank you. The horribly abusive man I know, always behaves like that. I agree, a man who really loved you wouldn't hurt you in the first place. Let again over and over and over again. Mine has the most horrific treatment to many woman, who all believe he loves them. Bullshit.

OP and Toxiccat - I think it is so hard (and heartwarming) reading about your ds/dn. (and the pp who wrote about their baby relaxing in the refuge). Gosh, you have the right thing by your son. However hard it is. My children were only peripheral to the abuse I suffered (he wasn't their father) and I could see the impact - in retrospect, not at the time. Staying with an abusive person when you have a child or baby - I know people do it, but god. What damage. What an impact that would have. I was accused of putting my feelings for this man before my children (by someone who has done far far worse by their kid actually), and I regret it to this day. But well done!

I also have nightmares.

It will get better. x

“he would say sorry but be really horrible even after saying sorry"

Your Ds has the measure of him. His current handwringing means nothing.

However worse, the threat that he is coming to look for Ds. You MUST tell the police this. Can they get an injunction or restraining order. against him?

Well done for keeping the evidence in the messages.

If the police, who have seen the worst of the worst, think you are doing the right thing keeping away, then they know what they are on about.

Must all be do hard OP, but keep on keeping on.

@AFairlyHardAvocado you are so right. That's exactly it.

Hope your ok op I'm following as I think I you are so brave and definitely doing the right thing, it's so hard to do so well done

You haven’t discussed it on here about homeschooling.

Obviously it has to be in the best interests of the child but having him registered to a school may help in terms of where he needs to be . It may also give you a bit if space and some normality for him .

I don’t know why you homeschool , if this is something by our Ds would consider but thought it was worth raising

Please, please tell the police that he has said that he’ll come looking for you both. They may be able to get a marker on your home (or something equivalent).

I know you’ve said that he doesn’t know where your relatives live, but are they visible in regards to internet searches for telephone numbers and addresses?

If l were you get another phone, but keep your old one as evidence....especially now as l suspect he is going to get angry and threaten all sorts of shit.

@Fedupofitnow123

but he text saying he cant leave ds and will be coming to look for him.

Please report this tonight OP, this is an actual threat that shows clear escalation and they will take it seriously.

Please call them before you go to bed and ask them to log it in your case.

Reporting things like that message is not making a fuss, never think that, it's important to keep you and your lovely DS safe.

You poor thing, remember we are all here for you if you need to vent / want to ask some advice / anything at all.

Just skim read most of the posts (apart from yours @Fedupofitnow123) and wanted to say your DS sounds like a lovely kid. Well done you. X

As regards his threat to come and find you - the police should be able to get a Domestic Violence Protection Order which means that your ex-partner has to keep away from you It is temporary - lasts 28 days or something like that - but the police can arrange it within 1-2 days. For longer term protection you can apply for a non-molestation order - that gives 6-12 months’ protection if granted (and I’m sure it would be in this case). The National Centre for Domestic Violence can explain the process and refer you to a law firm to help you prepare the papers. In this situation, you should ask the police if you can have a domestic violence protection order. Then you can prepare the non-molestation application and evidence and apply for the non-molestation order towards the end of the 28-day period so the non-mol kicks in immediately after the DVPO expires.

Morning all, we phoned the police as soon as the message came in, they've basically said to call 999 if he shows up, because I'm so far away they consider us "safe".

Had a terrible nights sleep, was awake at 5am, another few messages saying I have nothing to lose by going back, we can be a family yada yada, on and on

You are so brave @Fedupofitnow123. What your son said when you left and how happy he was shows that your ex is a terrible Father and a bully. You've done the right thing by keeping him away and I hope you can both heal now.

He is so full of it isn’t he. If it had been good, you wouldn’t have left in the first place.

You cannot be a family with a man who abuses you financially, verbally, physically and emotionally. You cannot be a family with a man who gaslights and monitors. You cannot be a family with a man who pokes, pushes and threatens to kill. You cannot be a family with a man whose own 8 year old son makes a plan to leave.

He has no insight into his own behaviour and no real intention of changing.

Stay strong, you will come through this.

I'm just so scared and terrified, police now asking for his phone number! I am just terrified

You're doing so well at such a shit time OP. If you get a chance to look at their website check out the Suzy Lamplugh foundation - they are the absolute experts on harassment and stalking.

I can't remember if it was on this thread or another that I mentioned but I called them re my stalker. They were such a huge support for me.

They said to call them after every contact with the police so they could guide me on anything else I should expect / request / mention. They even sorted out someone to come with me when I gave one of my statements as it got worse.

They are brilliant and make you realise that you're never making a fuss, you're keeping yourself safe.

So sorry he's being a shit OP you sound like you're being a brilliant mum

Don't be scared op , your safe. You weren't safe with him ( that was the time to be scared ) You will rebuild your life with the people around you who won't hurt you and be happy, one day you'll feel nothing for him and you won't look back. It's an amazing feeling. Your doing so well xxx

Give the police his phone number.

What are you scared about? Is there anything that will help? You are away from him physically but the mental separation takes longer.

I think it's his reaction, he had me believing for so long that he was so kind towards me and that everything I was saying about him was because I wanted to believe it was that way, that was what I wanted my family to believe, he really made me feel like I was overreacting!

I have an instant headache, I bit the bullet and sent the phone number though, so I've done it, :(

Abusers get inside your head so you fear their reaction so much that you behave how they want even when they are not there.

One of the hardest things is to get to a stage where you actually don’t give a shit what they think: just like he didn’t give a shit what you thought.

this is good. He wont be thinking that you will be getting the police involved and it will give him a shock - he is such a bully and is used to you jumping to his tune.
This will go one of 2 ways now
Either he will back off as being a bully he is probably also a coward - but even so please ask for those protection orders to be put into place
Or he will think he is smart and do something stupid like escalate from a different number - in which case immediately contact the police again and they will act - police dnt like being ignored.

either way you have hit the point of no return and you now have official back up.