To try and retrieve messages or not?

[Mumtoaperfectbabyboy]

Hi,

So to cut a long story short I found out my husband had been messaging a woman from work over the course of a few days, they're apparently friends but when I saw the messages I'd realised some had been deleted. He said he knew that he had crossed the line with a few things he said but had said stuff because she was feeling down and to cheer her up. Understandably my mind was racing and I kicked him out. We tried to retrieve the messages but couldn't. After a week of us being apart we realised that our marriage was something we wanted to save that he'd been depressed and hadn't handled things well. We've been seeing a couple's councillor and feel we're making progress.

However I saw a thread on here that said about retrieving the messages... He was reluctant but we tried and couldn't. Since then I've realised there are other ways we could try and retrieve them. The problem is now I'm not so sure I want too. I initially thought it was something I needed to know. But we're making real progress and I don't know whether it's going to benefit me knowing or not... I'm just wondering what other people would do in this situation?

Thanks.

I don’t think it would help you to know tbh. If you feel you’re making progress and moving on from this, it would just drag it back up. It would seem to me that he knows he did wrong and is willing to make it right again.

Depends on whether you'd always wonder I suppose. I would personally so I'd have to try.

If he knows he's crossed the line, what's to stop him going further than that if he knows he can get away with it? I've been depressed. Didn't feel the need to have an emotional affair.

To be honest if he was happy to try with you the first time, then to me that's probably more important than the content of the messages and show they're probably not really awful.

A lot of people on here post about how their partner will lock down their phone or accuse the OP of being controlling or crazy etc, basically do anything to stop them looking at their messages once they've been found out, and they lie and downplay everything unless there is proof. It sounds like he has been fairly upfront and honest so I think maybe the messages would just make you feel like shit and there would be no benefit?

The general consensus is what I was thinking too. I don't even know if it can really be classed as an emotional affair when it lasted 3 days... Him being depressed doesn't justify it but it is something very out of character for him.

Have you asked him what he sent? I understand why you feel you need to know what he said to her.

Yes, he says that she'd been told she'd put on weight and that he basically told her she had nothing to worry about - sending a few messages to enforce that he says he can't remember exactly what was said. There was also another deleted bit but he says he can't remember that part.. Ahh writing this message has made me think I do need to know what was said, just wish I'd realised there were ways to retrieve them nearer the time.

He does recall what the messages said. Things were likely simmering between them at work prior to the messaging. I don’t think you have the full story. I would need to know exactly what I was forgiving.

One things for sure, he'll have minimised to the max.

He's messaged a woman and crossed the line....surely that's it? You don't need to know word for word surely? What difference will it make?

What difference will it make?

Depending on what was said, a lot.

What platform were the messages sent on? If it's texts them if she hasn't deleted them herself they'll still be on her phone so could screenshot them.

It was on Facebook messenger... Sorry I can't work out how to tag people in my replies. I have no doubt he'll have minimised what was said... I can't work out whether what I thought was said in my head will be better or worse. I messaged her at the time I found out and just asked her straight if anything was going on. She just said it was a colleague basis, they had banter but that was it.

He will remember and he has to be honest if you are to have any future . Also it is highly likely that he would have continued but you found out ....lots to talk about I think.

@beenwhereyouare I disagree. It was clearly more than friendly messages and her DP has already admitted this. She said she wants to work on the relationship so she has to move on.

Would knowing what was said make you change your mind about wanting to work through things?

Op. I understand how you feel. I've been through the same thing with my dh. He has been texting a friend/colleague for a few years and it got out of hand... too many texts per day, saying hello/goodnight etc. I saw a few texts and it was her looking for compliments - do I look nice in this Blah blah. Dh sending too many texts saying you look lovely, heart eye emoji etc.

Anyway. There weren't many texts as he'd been deleting. He said the same thing - I can't remember what I texted and it did my head in. How could he not remember? If I could have got them back I would have, however I think it would have just hurt me more and not helped us move forward.
It does pop in to my mind quite frequently - especially when reading your thread - and I wish I'd seen them, but mainly I don't! If you're moving forward, I don't think it'll help. Just make you think more along the lines of how could you?

We had our separate councilling session and I did say that I think he probably does know what was said but doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he has/have the fall out from it, so that's what we're going to look at next time... I think I would still want to work on things, up until now we've had a good marriage and have a 7 month old baby so think there is lots to work at. It's just knowing what was said I think would help me to make an informed decision as a pp said and hopefully would stop my mind from wondering what exactly was said.

I feel you need to know exactly what you are forgiving. It will be painful but if you do not see the messages, it will bother you forever. You would either minimise events in order to cope or maximise them and torture yourself.

I would need to know because then I have the option of staying or leaving based on actual facts. Also for me knowing everything means the affair/adultery/flirting no longer has power. It is no longer a secret kept between two people. It is out in the open and can be seen for what it is - dirty and tainted and not a romantic love affair.

Shegoeshere your dh definitely remembers but knows the details will hurt you. You do not have the full story and it is important for healing and moving forward if you choose to stay.

Wheres the thread about retrieving messages? I thought once they were deleted they were gone for ever?

Personally, I wouldn't want to know. This same thing happened to me, and I remember crying and saying "I wish I never found out." Which is silly, but when these things happen they can change a relationship dynamic irreversibly.

Its good that he is willing to go to counselling and accepts he crossed a line.

My dh kissed a colleague well over a year ago and he confessed to me. I wanted to know everything - what marital/personal problems she had that she sought his advice and shoulder to cry on, what was said between them. Dh did not have the right to keep anything confidential and I made that clear. I needed to know and if he did not discuss we would not have had a future together.

I think it does matter what he said, even if you know you want to work on things. It's important to know what you're forgiving. My ex did this and I never got to the bottom of what he's said and it bothered me for years. I wanted to know if he had discussed anything about me, I wasn't interested in the sexual comments. Sometimes what you imagine is worse than the truth.

Thanks for all the advice. We tried today and turns out yes once they're gone they are gone. I've just got to hope that exploring it in councilling will be enough.

Are you happy to move on? If things for you as a couple are doing ok so you want to drag it all up again?

How do you really feel?

Hi op I am on the fence as to reading them or not, as they could be awful but then again reassuringly not that bad...imagination can be worse than reality. Did you use a computer when you tried to retrieve them? I have managed to retrieve lost fb messages before by going to the main Facebook account - Settngs - Your Facebook Information - Download your information. It downloads to your computer- big file and takes ages. Maybe you tried it but it didn't work. Good luck x