When you can’t move on

[LuluBellaBlue]

What happens if you just can’t move on from someone?
I was with someone for 5 years, living together and engaged. We broke up 2010 under differcult circumstances.
(I was unknowingly suffering from severe PTSD and as a result had alcohol / drug problems)
He immediately met someone else, within a month and they were together ever since.

3 weeks ago he messaged me out of the blue after not hearing from him for 9 years. Turns out they’ve split up and by the looks of things he’s now single.

I’ve been dating someone for 4 months who I thought might be the one for me, however all of these feelings for my ex have come flooding back.
It’s like we only broke up yesterday
I realise that ex and I probably wouldn’t work out now and I have no idea if he’d even be interested, I think he’s moved well on since me and new person was better looking etc.

But what I can’t get over is remembering how in love we were, how much I adored him. The fun and love we shared. Even 4/5 years in I’d still be so excited to see him every day, loved just the smell of him.

It’s like I’m pining after that feeling but not sure I’ll ever have it again....
has anyone else felt this way? Sorry for the ramble!

You won't be happy unless you meet him and meeting him doesn't have to mean taking him home. You need to work out if you still have feelings for him (& him for you), you'll both be so different after all those years. Also he could be on the rebound but, in fairness, a meeting is all that has been suggested so far.

Suspend your 4 month relationship until you are sure. If you're clever, your 4 month guy won't even know if he's been suspended!

All the very best, please do come back and tell us what transpires.

Eeek I don’t know. I’ve learned the hard way that going back is not a good thing (Rose-tinted glasses & all that). You know best though so good luck whatever you decide to do. Keep your eyes wide open.

I would definitely meet him. Like pp said, dont go home with him, just meet for a drink and catch up. See how you both feel and whether one or both of you have different feelings. The fact hes contacted you suggests he has an interest in you, but to be fair I'm sure he doesnt know the extent of his feelings at this point either. Please update us

@Bluerussian thank you, I’m terrified of seeing him again as it took me years to get over him - and until a few weeks ago I thought I was over him!
I’d also need (want) to crash diet 😂

@Nogoodwithgoodbyes @FlyingPenguine
Thanks for both your responses......
I spoke to a friend yesterday and she said I’ve got to at least meet him.
That’s probably why I made this post thinking about it...... I need the encouragement to do this, but first I need to sort my current situation out as either way it’s not fair or right to even meet for a cuppa behind my current partners back.
If I was that much in love I wouldn’t even have these feelings I guess....

Eek I'm going against the grain I think some things should be left buried after such a long time. Why did he leave in the first place?

I would also be concerned that he is just looking for a rebound, if he loved you that much it wouldnt have taken 9 years for him to realise?

I wouldnt take second best personally!

Hang on, he met someone straight after breaking up with you (which sums up how invested he was in you), and now that relationship is over, he's messaging you again?? What an absolute chancer. Have more respect for yourself and don't even consider it.

I agree with the 2 above. Don't go back. Sounds like he'd be using you until he finds someone else. I know it's hard and it's messed with your head, but resist.

Totally agree with crappyday2018, this guy moved on within a month after being with you for five years.
You said you felt like your current partner was the one, why chuck your happiness all away for someone who contacted you after nine years as he is now single. If you were the one he wouldn't of waited nine years to contact you. Seriously don't waste your time.

I have to 100% agree with the posters who have said he met someone straight after you split up.

No way would I be meeting up with him again.

You need to treat these kind of relationships like an addictive drug which is what they are.

You are like a person who has given up cocaine and not taken it for 9 years. Now someone is offering it to you and you are tempted.

Realistically it will probably be hard for you to say no and you will go and see him.

You would be better off not doing that as you know.

If you are going to do it, treat it like an addictive drug, go into it with your eyes open and be prepared for dealing with some unpleasant long term consequences as you come down/come off your short term high.

Just to add that you DID move on with your new partner ... I think its quite normal for old feelings to pop again but it doesnt mean it's right to go back or it would ever work

Thanks everyone lots of good feedback.

I was devasted he seemingly moved on so quickly when we initially broke up and wonder how many other exes he’s reached out to since his recent break up

He reached out to me under ‘business’ pretences but that was how he also got his first ever date with me so means nothing!

I guess the problem is in nine years of dating I’ve never met anyone that compares

It all depends why you split up.
My ex was unreliable

9 years on nothing's changed.
Wish I'd had Mumsnet back then.

I'd meet up but absolutely do not give up current man.

You’ve got to meet up with him. Yes he met someone else quickly and seemingly moved on but you don’t know how he’s felt deep down for the last 9 years, he may have always still harboured feelings for you like you do for him. I still have feelings for an ex from 11 years ago and I’m married with dc so to the rest of the world I’ve well and truly moved on! Plenty of people have an ex they never really got over even if they’re with someone new. It’s got to be worth a drink just to see. I don’t think you have to tell your new bf, just go as friends and see what you feel. You might realise you’re not bothered once you see him!

Why did you split up?

I TOTALLY hear you. I loved my ex's voice, his smell.. when he sweated.. god lord even the smell of his breath. One look in my direction could have me tearing his pants off.

But he kept hurting me. He kept criticising my appearance in the same breath as he told me he loved me. We'd go on holiday and be having a wonderful time and 3 days into the break he would be muttering under his breath that he was sick of me and then denying he said anything.

I still pine for him. But it was a fairly recent break... on again, off again, over several years. All of my friends and family say he does not deserve another chance. I know he doesn't. Now he is hoovering around to see if I will talk to him and I am ignoring and blocking where I can because the cycle will start up again with him telling me I need plastic surgery or some shite or other and then denying he meant it.. or pointing out my stretch marks during sex...

I miss the idea of him and the pheromones. But he does not deserve me or another chance.

So if the reasons you broke up are anything like mine.. then no, leave it in the past. Abuse of any kind, no....

The ex sounds like he trauma bonded you to him. As a previous poster said it is like being addicted to drugs the chemistry that is running through your brain.
If you see him again you will 're addict yourself and the fact he moved on so quickly suggests he may be narcissistic.

If you are getting over PTSD, seeing him may well trigger Things for you.
The chemistry that people speak of is actually familiarity to a parent or sibling, usually somebody who treated us badly.
It is an exciting feeling, but we are on edge, trying to please, not knowing what's going to happen.
Somebody safe, kind and what a lot of people would say is boring is the person we should be with, because they are genuine and will treat us well, but there is no spark.

My advice is to look up about cluster b personality types. Narcissists/sociopaths/ psychopaths and see if the description fits him.
If it does stay well away.

But my guess is you will go to see him, just have zero expectations. If red flags start popping up, walk away.

I agree with PPs. Don't go back - you broke up for a reason, and if he wanted you he'd have come back before now. He wouldn't have let you go if you were meant to be together.

He's only just single and you're with someone else - why would you drop this new man for someone who didn't work out? Why? Look at the reality of the relationshp - the facts. Not the rose tinted memories.

I understand too. I have an ex like this -he made me feel like nothing else. I simply adored him. But I have to remember he treated me badly. So while I found him irresistable, and he told me all the right things, he also treated me badly. And I took him back and he left me again. Like yours, moving on quickly to someone else. Like *Gemma) mine is back in touch now- circling round with his hoovering techniques. (And I know for a fact I'm not the only one he's hoovering). And it's tempting - I do understand.

I know someone who has gone back to her ex 10 times over 6 years. He always always leaves her - in increasingly horrible, degrading ways. He cheats on her. He dumps her. He blocks, deletes and ghosts her. (and even worse too because he is violent). yet she still takes him back. The true sad reality of someone who can't move on .

I think give your new man a chance. Leave your old one where he belongs.

and yes read about trauma bonds!

He doesn’t fit any of the narcissist personality types, he treated me mostly brilliantly for our whole relationship.
The issue with both of us was with boundaries- something I’d never even heard of back then.
We split up because I was a mess, going out getting drunk doing stupid (awful) things as I was in so much emotional pain but desperately trying to hold everything g together and pretend I was fine.
We were both late twenties, living in central London and into partying a lot back then.

These days I spend my Saturday nights in front of the fire with the animals and I know he’s a full time dad to his two boys and wants a quiet life. So we’ve both grown up and changed a fair bit.
I am goi g to google trauma bonding, I’d never heard of it so thank you.

I’m also not going to rush anything. But I do keep imagining... what if!!!! And my heart flutters!!!

Well Lulabelle, you can crash diet and exercise if you aren't intending to meet the guy for a while. Are you really that fat? Be honest with yourself, you might be great!

The chap you've been with for four months is not your partner yet, there's nothing wrong with you meeting up with an old friend. It may come to nothing but I believe you will not be at peace if you don't meet your ex, regardless of outcome.

Thanks @Bluerussian crash diet has started today!!
I’ve realised that I want to feel worthy / able to be with him even if it never happens iyswim.
So use this as an excuse to get myself in the best possible shape, sort my wardrobe out, do all those things I’ve been meaning to do! It’s my 40th next July and I’ve been wanting to do this for them anyway but keep putting it off so this gives me a good reason to start TODAY not tomorrow

Your poor boyfriend needs to know you are so hung up on your ex and hoping something will work out with him again. Imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed and it was him (who you thought could be the one) all excited, dieting, sorting new wardrobe getting butterflies etc over his ex whist you knew nothing about it.

I can’t believe the advice of those saying meet up as boyfriend of 4 months isn’t a partner! How many would be saying the same thing if a man was asking the same question.

You haven't even met him yet and you're talking of crash diets - so trying to change yourself to make him like you.

I get wanting to feel confident about yourself but this has warning bells all over it - you are jumping through hoops for a man who moved on after a month and hasn't been in contact for years.

And on top of that you'll be doing something that could potentially hurt your new boyfriend

No good will come of this