Ex arrested for sexual crimes. No support.

[Naicehamhun]

New throwaway account. Long time member.

Ex and I split a couple of years ago but continued to live under the same roof to raise DC. The reason for splitting was financial inequality, aggressive behaviour, mental abuse and being sexually forceful. We have been relatively amicable since I ended it.

Earlier this week he was arrested for sexual crimes against another person. As soon as I was aware I immediately made him leave the house. My house has been searched by police and electrical items removed.
The Investigation is still ongoing with the police but they say they are not able to tell me any information.
I have been left completely alone and in the dark. I have never felt more lonely in my life Meanwhile he is staying with family and has them all rallying around after him. He is stating mental health issues (I suspect as a get out of jail free card) and has multiple agencies helping and supporting him. Not a single one of them have contacted me or asked how we are doing.

I am allowing DC to visit him for a short while today. My parents will be taking them and supervising the whole time. Not knowing the details of the crime I don't even know if this is safe to do so. I don't know where to turn. I don't know who I need to contact to find out.
My parents are visiting me today from across the country so I will be glad if finally having someone to talk to. The will then be taking DC for half term so I can at least go back to work.
I have no Idea where to get support from. I suppose I now have to take action to try and prevent him from having unsupervised contact.
I have to parent completely alone.
I am so alone.

Sorry. That was such a mess.
I hope it makes sense. It was just word vomit.

If it was crimes against children you would have been told in order to protect your children.

You know his history, you know what he is likely to have done as he did it to you.

It sounds like your parents are supportive so that’s good.

You can go to your GP and ask to be referred for counselling, see what support services there are available to you.

Also you might want to do the same for your children as I imagine they will need support too.

I'd imagine social services would be involved at some point if it were in any way related to children or anything which deemed him potentially high risk.

His family are naturally going to support him. You mention your parents - are they not supporting you?

My parents live several hours away and work full time. We have never had a close relationship. They are offering practical support for a few days but there will be no emotional support.

That sounds horrific. I am glad your children are having a supervised visit with your parents, personally I wouldn't have been that kind!
How old are your DC?

You need to gather your strength to get through this, do you have friends, siblings that can support you?
Get counselling for you and the children to try to make sense of what is going on.
The police raiding your house will Make you feel violated and with your Ex concealing his sexual crimes.

It must be difficult to see that he is getting so much support and he has done the abusing and you are innocent and getting no support, so a big virtual hug for you.
Stay strong. Plenty of us are lone parents, it's scary at first and then you will hit your stride.
See if there is any Gingerbread/ single parent groups in your area.

On the upside you have completely got this abusive arsehole out of your life.

Stay strong.

Hi OP. What a horrible situation for you to be left dealing with. Try ringing Victim Support for support and the all very best to you.

If he is charged, he will make an appearance at the magistrates court and the hearings held there are a matter for public record, so on their court pages it lists the details of the hearings for the day. In the meantime, try not to worry and use is here for moral support

I would phone social services for advice.
You should also be able to do a Sarah's Law or Claire's Law request, surely?
Do tell people and seek out support - and if struggling try the Samaritians.

Molly as it is an ongoing investigation, the Police are unlikely to disclose anything about this at this stage.

Yeah as shitonit said as it is ongoing I can't access information from those channels just yet.

I have spoke to nspcc who have advised supervised contact is allowed but I should stop contact if at any point DC becomes distressed.
Social services is a scary word. I am apprehensive at approaching them.

It could takes months OP. It takes a long time for the cyber crime unit to comb through everything. And only after then will there be a charge.
I made a complaint about my ex in May and I'm still waiting for the CPS to make a charging decision.
Women's aid have been the best support I could possibly have asked for so id suggest calling your nearest outpost and going for a cup of tea and a chat x

Another vote for contacting Women's Aid. They will listen and understand. They can also advise you where and how to get additional support.

The reason for splitting was financial inequality, aggressive behaviour, mental abuse and being sexually forceful.

"The reason for splitting was domestic abuse / coercive control." All of that list is just abuse. Coerced sex is rape. Forced sex is rape.

I don't understand why this arrest is a shock to you given he sexually abused you. Are you saying you'd like support because it's brought into focus the sexual abuse you yourself experienced at his hands? Did you ever report him to the police yourself? Do you plan to come forward now?

Op I know Social Services are scary but honestly they're role is a supportive one. They will be able to look into any allegations against your ex and would let you know if there were any concerns.

I'm sorry you're so alone right now. Oftentimes we don't see the 'silent victims' of someone else's offending. I hope though that over time having him out of your home will e a good thing. You can finally start to move on. You're not alone but this is a period of transition. How old are DC? Hopefully you can use school clubs etc for extra childcare?

Whatever he did to you he has most likely done to other women. Maybe one of them reported him.

No advice but handholding here.
The not knowing is horrible. Use the time that DC are with your parents to focus on yourself.

I was wondering what sexually forceful meant.

It sounds like you need to go to the police yourself. I'm glad he's no longer in your home. Sex offenders often get a lot of support from the people around them sadly,

I think you should also report him, sexual offenders often get away with their crimes as it's hard to evidence, you can do something here to help the other victim (and his future victims).

It is your choice whether you report or not. However i think (could be wrong) that if you do report, that you will also then be regarded as one of his victims and should be offered victim support services.

If he forced you into sex, he is a rapist and needs to be behind bars. He is now on police radar, so your report WILL be taken seriously, and this is your best chance to be rid of him for good.

So, an abusive rapist has been arrested for doing 'something' to somebody else? Doesn't sound good, does it?

His being arrested could be the best thing that happens, as it gives credence to anything you might report or say in connection with residence, contact or any other matters relating to your DC.

I'd be wary that he could use your continued living together until this point as evidence that he's Not That Kind of Man, that the complainant is 'mental', attention seeking or that his behaviour is due to depression following from your callous and cruel treatment of him and he is really a Good Guy.

It's shit and massively difficult for you, but use this time to find childminders or out of school clubs, start taking steps to protect yourself and the DC from him (after all, if you don't do it now, it's very easy for him to argue that it can't be true and of course he should have the DC living with him) and whether he is tried and convicted or not, when SS finally get the notification that there are children in close proximity to him, you can show them that he isn't just staying at his parents for a bit, he definitely isn't coming back because you've taken steps to prevent him from doing so.

By getting arrested (and hopefully convicted) for what he's done - and from your history and his rapid appearance of a MH issue, I doubt that he's innocent - he's given you evidence that you weren't crazy or lying to pick on poor little him and punish him for a split. It wouldn't be surprising if his solicitor contacts you demanding you give evidence in his favour, as 'surely you'd want to help the father of your DC'.

Of course, if you decided to report anything he's done to you, you're likely to be believed now. And then there would be Victim Support...

OP, I am so sorry, this must be hell for you.

You have been in an abusive relationship. Have a look around the Women’s Aid website for a signs of abuse in a relationship.

There may be support groups in your area. The Social Worker could be a good person to advise about this.

If you can, treat the SW as a resource to help you. They are there to make sure the children are not at risk. You are clearly very determined to protect and support your children so they will be a support for you, not a threat.

You may also be able to talk to the police DV unit and tell them about Emotional Abuse / co-ercive control.

Honestly, parenting alone when you are not subject to Emotional Abuse will be freer and easier than navigating eggshells.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme.

I am sorry your parents will not be a source of emotional support.

For now: each day at a time.

I'm sure other posters mean well and I agree that in theory all sex crime should reported and charged and sentenced but telling the OP that she owes it to other women to come forward is cruel.
The OP is not responsible for her husband's abusive behaviour, and should not feel rail roaded into the idea of having to save other people. Pressuring someone who has likely been pressured for years is not helpful to their recovery.
OP, now is the time to look after yourself and your children, in whatever form that is safest for you.

Rape Crisis or their equivalent will be able to help and support you. Please don’t be put off by their name! In my area they have actually changed their name to Sexual Abuse & Assault Support Service. They have counselling but also provide advice and advocacy. You don’t need to necessarily speak to them about your own personal history with him (unless you want to) but they will be able to support you with navigating this for your and your kids sake.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Can you speak to SS about your concerns?

A friend of our went trough something similar, her DC has SN, so even at 18, SS rang her to say that her ex had been arrested & was considered a danger to their DC. We still don't know what her ex was arrested for, but he has no access to their DC

In my experience Social Services are massively over stretched, but actually feel relieved dealing with reasonable parents. They will probably be in touch anyway. But they can be great with recommendations to local charities and other sources of support.
But if they tell you to stop contact then it is a good idea to comply.