Ex arrested for sexual crimes. No support.

[Naicehamhun]

New throwaway account. Long time member.

Ex and I split a couple of years ago but continued to live under the same roof to raise DC. The reason for splitting was financial inequality, aggressive behaviour, mental abuse and being sexually forceful. We have been relatively amicable since I ended it.

Earlier this week he was arrested for sexual crimes against another person. As soon as I was aware I immediately made him leave the house. My house has been searched by police and electrical items removed.
The Investigation is still ongoing with the police but they say they are not able to tell me any information.
I have been left completely alone and in the dark. I have never felt more lonely in my life Meanwhile he is staying with family and has them all rallying around after him. He is stating mental health issues (I suspect as a get out of jail free card) and has multiple agencies helping and supporting him. Not a single one of them have contacted me or asked how we are doing.

I am allowing DC to visit him for a short while today. My parents will be taking them and supervising the whole time. Not knowing the details of the crime I don't even know if this is safe to do so. I don't know where to turn. I don't know who I need to contact to find out.
My parents are visiting me today from across the country so I will be glad if finally having someone to talk to. The will then be taking DC for half term so I can at least go back to work.
I have no Idea where to get support from. I suppose I now have to take action to try and prevent him from having unsupervised contact.
I have to parent completely alone.
I am so alone.

OP l understand that you feel upset by what has happened but why do you think you should be given support?

Ultimately he isn't your current partner, he is only your children's DF so really what are you needing?

If it's because this has reminded you of what he did to you then as PP said, report him and you will get help. Otherwise as far as the police are concerned, it's nothing to do with you.

If your concerned about your children then schools tend to have wellbeing services attached that they can access

If the crime has in any way anything to do with sexual offences against children, contact the Lucy Faithfull foundation; they offer support in those situations, for suspects, family members and anyone who has any involvement at all

Who do you want support from?

I would imagine the accused crime is against an adult or the police could have advised you regarding him not having access to your DC.

What support is it you are wishing was in place? As you were living together is your biggest concerns financial or practicality of childcare such as if you worked separate time? I can imagine in your situation I would be emotional and also unsure what to tell the children also.

to you and I think reaching out to SS is positive as they may be able to offer support and advice.

What age are the DC?

I want support because I don't know how I can do this financially.

I want support because I am going to lose my job because I cannot complete my required hours and there is no option to reduce them.

I want support because my house has been ransacked by police and other than my mobile phone I have lost all computers with my entire life saved on them. All DC baby photos. My study material for my professional qualification (not that I still have a job so I suppose that no longer matters). I don't feel safe.

I want support because I have to do this entirely on my own now. I am 100s of miles away from anyone who actually gives a shit about me. I am in a house that will not sell so will not be able to move.

I want support because I haven't spoken to an adult human being for days.

I want support because my child is lashing out and crying and biting me and talking about suicide.

I want support because, yes he has done similar to me and I am in no way equipped to process that.

Is that ok?

In other news my parents are now here and are, as predicted plonked firmly on my sofa reading their papers while I run around after them making food and nodding in sympathy as they tell me all about their latest trips to the GP. They haven't even asked if I am ok. I'm not ok by the way.

Naiceham : sending wholly inadequate .

You absolutely do need support.

Being in an abusive relationship robs you of all the strengths that you would use to fight or escape: self esteem, support networks etc.

You are a victim of your Ex.

If you can find the strength please try and talk to the police, Women’s Aid, the social worker or Rape Crisis. Or all!

Sadly resources are stretched and you may find you get put on hold and waiting for call backs etc, but the help is there.

Once it is realised and understood that you are one of his victims, the help will be there.

Of course you are a victim anyway, your life has been turned upside down. But a direct victim of his abuse.

Oh OP that sounds very very difficult. You are a victim in this as much as other people your ex has abused. Is there a Police family liaison officer you could contact?

I second the suggestions of Rape Crisis. Also the Samaritans.

No one is asking why you want it. Just who you want it from? You say you don’t want social services support

OP I think you should talk to your GP, too.

Get signed off for stress, to give you some breathing space to look into practicalities.
Also talk to your GP about the problems your child is havjng. They can refer you and your child for counselling.

Also (I know this is a lot, this is why getting signed off would be good) go to CAB and ask about what benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent household. You may get enough Tax Credit etc to cover the child care for your work.

CAB and women’s aid may be able to put you in touch with a housing association for affordable housing.

All help will be easier to access if you make a complaint against him.

Also, I don’t know what your situation is but if you own your house and divorce him you will get more than half the equity in the house because you will be housing the children. Also you could get half the value of his pension etc if there is one.

You say you are doing professional qualifications. Does the course or institution have any welfare or pastoral advisors?

It is SO hard OP, but grim thought this is it is the first hard step to living free of this man.

Of course you need support. At least your parents are there, even if they are being PITA. Please talk to us. We're here too.

Go to your GP!

Ignore your parents except to ask them to babysit. If you don't offer them eventually they will make their own tea etc.

And I would get signed off work and then talk to HR.

OP some employers have outsourced employee help services.

If your employer has that please call them. I thought they were all useless but a couple of people with different employers have got useful help from them.

Well done on identifying what you need OP. You are doing amazing even if it doesn't feel it

Can you treat this as a list? Speak to your GP, they can hopefully refer you to counselling for emotional support and if you need it sign you off work until you can get your head around everything. Speak to your employer, they will hopefully have employee support services, again this could be access to counselling. Perhaps they could grant you some leave/help you once your back at work with your hours so you can continue working but around the DC.

I'm not sure what age the DC are but speak to their school/nursery/health visitor again they may be able to support both in a practical sense and if the kids need it any emotional help.

Pressed send too quickly....

Let your workplace speak to the professional organisation, you should be able to halt it until you are in a position to study.

I'm not an expert but I'm sure the baby photos etc will not be lost. I'm sure you will be able to get your devices back in time

Do you think telling your parents how you feel would help? If not is there anyone else you trust you can talk to? If not speak to the Samaritans or another organisation, you need support

How are you @Naicehamhun ?

So I'm a very big mess but have made some progress.

Work is still my biggest concern. They have given me a temporary release from the call rota so I can do drop offs and pick ups. They haven't said how long they will allow me this but after that goodwill ends I will not be able to meet my core hours and will lose my job. I can't afford to be signed off sick.

I have sorted an extension to breakfast club and after school club so they will be able to have him half an hour extra per day, just enough time to dodge traffic and pick him up. My dad has offered to pick up the extra cost. Safeguarding steps are in place with picking him up.

I have spoke to social services and they have decided not to open a case as they are happy with the steps I have put in place to protect him. They will open one if I request it at a later point for court purposes.

I'm trying to scrape some money together for a solicitor to get a court order in place for maintenance and prevent unsupervised access until his criminal proceedings are over.

The nights are the hardest. I am so alone and it really hits me. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I just cry in the foetal position until I eventually pass out. This isn't life.

Well done, that's a lot you have undertaken already and some great progress.

I know it will be so hard however you need to try to eat and sleep. Your body is a machine and it needs fuel and rest to function. Can you even try and eat something basic and plain like soup?

Milkshakes OP x
It's how I survived my divorce.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your family. You are doing an amazing job. I know it doesn't feel that way but you are.

"No one is asking why you want it [support]"

Actually they kind of did, @PumpkinP; see @quincejamplease's transparently judgy post here ...
"I don't understand why this arrest is a shock to you given he sexually abused you. Are you saying you'd like support because it's brought into focus the sexual abuse you yourself experienced at his hands? Did you ever report him to the police yourself? Do you plan to come forward now?"

@Naicehamhun I'm sorry you're going through this - it sounds devastating.

How are you feeling today?

Have you been in touch with Victim Support? They are great. Women's Aid may be able to help you as well. Keep reaching out.

Do you have an ISVA or IDVA? You may find help through Rape Crisis as well.