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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it an abusive relationship?

47 replies

Samm975 · 27/10/2019 00:23

I'm starting to think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. Been with my partner 5yrs and have a 5month old baby. He has always had a problem with alcohol. Disappears most weekends and some week days. Turns of his phone and heads of out drinking. This had gotten very bad over the last year. Everytime he returns home a big promise of how it won't happen again and how he is sorry to turn around and do it all again afew days later. Anyway last year I suffered a miscarriage. We got home from the hospital after it and he told me he was just running up the road to one of his mates house. He turned of his phone and disappeared for 3days. Left me home alone crying and grieving by myself while he went out drinking. When he returned he told me that was his way of dealing with it and has never mentioned the miscarriage since. I text him on the year anniversary of the miscarriage and he ignored the text. While I was pregnant with current baby he was constantly drinking and disappearing for days. I took him to London for a treat during the pregnancy for 3days.He left me alone in the hotel room for 2days while he went out on the piss and turned of his phone. Only showed up as we had to leave to get flight back home. Again full of sorries and excused. During my labour he never once held my hand or gave any words of encouragement. Once baby was born he went home and went out drinking with his mate. Didn't come up to the hospital the next day and when he did arrive the following day he lay in my bed on his phone saying how he wasn't feeling well and left me to deal with baby and all after having a c-section. He has never done one night feed or really helped out in anyway. He is still our drinking nearly every week. I've caught him lying about where he actually is and who he is with and he says he lies cause it he told the truth about where he is I would just give him a hard time. He walks past me as I sit crying. I asked him to fight for us and his son and he said he is sick of the conversation. Constantly screams at me to shut my mouth and so much more. I think I need to walk away but I'm so scared of being alone.

OP posts:
Finchy19 · 27/10/2019 00:29

Sounds like you basically are alone already so you know you can handle it.

Pinkbonbon · 27/10/2019 00:30

He screams at you to shut your mouth? He's a nutcase! Yes it's abusive. Even if you hadn't mentioned that part, he's an emotionally stunted arsehole.

Could you reach out to family and friends? You could also phone women's aid for advice. Better alone than with a psychopath like him.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2019 00:31

YOU ALREADY ARE ALONE.

Original poster
Samm975 · 27/10/2019 00:40

He told me last week I'm lucky he doesn't break my face. I was hit alot by my father as a child and he told me to go back to daddys house and get beat up there too. I just never wanted to be a single mum the thought of it terrifies me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Samm975 · 27/10/2019 00:41

Ive lost alot of friends over the last few years and I honestly don't know if that's my own doing or if he has anything to do with it.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/10/2019 00:47

He has everything to do with it

toshbish123 · 27/10/2019 00:48

Please leave him, I know it's really hard because you love him and being alone especially with a child is super scary. But this man is horrible. What he's doing to you is abuse and he can't get away with it.

So sorry about your miscarriage and that you had to deal with that alone, I can't imagine.

Congrats on your baby though, how are you finding motherhood outside of the issues with your partner? Does he help with baby?

Really genuinely sorry you're going through this.

toshbish123 · 27/10/2019 00:49

Sorry, what i meant was the thought of being alone with a child is super scary..... it's actually a whole world better than being with an abusive nasty person. I promise you xxx

Original poster
Samm975 · 27/10/2019 00:57

Been a mother is incredible I thinks it what's given me the strength to come to terms with the fact that this isn't right. He helps with the baby when is suits him so for example if family are around or if he is trying to make up for something. I'm just really surprised I've ended up here because I'm not a stupid girl. I've always been so strong and independent I don't know how I became this person. The miscarriage was the most painful experience of my life to date but my baby now has helped break that hole too. I have said things to him in anger aswell like I've called him a shit dad and a waste of space. He has taken thousands of me over last year and a half and never even attempted to give me back any money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Samm975 · 27/10/2019 00:58

The worst thing is I don't think I even love him anymore I think I'm just stuck in this rut and don't see a way out

OP posts:
MMadness · 27/10/2019 01:01

Run.

You'll have more money and peace of mind.

Don't subject that innocent baby to a lifetime of abuse.

Original poster
Samm975 · 27/10/2019 01:05

That's my concern I grew up with a drunk abusive father and I am so scared my baby will grow up with the same. I just don't know where to start with leaving. We are both on mortgage with the house. I've asked him to leave before and he has told me he wouldn't it's his house too. I have nowhere to go but here where as he has loads of family around he could go to. He just doesn't want to give me the house.

OP posts:
category12 · 27/10/2019 01:31

Your child has a drunk abusive father.

I think you need to speak to Women's Aid and get some support there. You may be able to get him out of the house with an occupation order.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2019 01:48

There is always a way out. Call Women's Aid, call whoever you have to call. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it to not have your children grow up in that environment. You grew up with an abusive alcoholic as a father. You know the damage it does. It's your responsibility to break this horrible cycle.

user764329056 · 27/10/2019 01:23

You poor thing, this sounds terrible for you and baby, please start looking at resources that can help, go to your GP, call Women’s Aid, honestly OP you have to get out of this relationship, don’t wait any longer to start a plan of action, wishing you strength

Nc77 · 27/10/2019 07:49

Get rid of him love. Next time he goes out on a bender take the opportunity to pack his bags and leave them outside the door, have a new door lock ready to be changed so he can’t enter anymore. Tell him to fuck off to the pub seen as though he likes it so much there. Don’t settle for this, he’s not gonna change or get any better and you and your son don’t deserve the treatment

Original poster
Samm975 · 27/10/2019 08:41

Nc77 I know you are all right. I just need to prepare myself and be ready to do it. When I do it I need to commit to.it because I've threatened it so many times he just thinks I'm a joke Nd I'll never do anything about it.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2019 08:45

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied by an alcoholic. His primary relationship is with alcohol, it certainly is not with you or your child. His behaviour and choices are his sole responsibility.

You are not alone either; you also have your child to consider.
If you were to stay with him for your own reasons (and out of some frankly stupid fear of yours about being alone) he will continue to drag both you and your child, your most precious of resources, down with him. Is that what you want for you both?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2019 08:53

There is always a way out.

Your child already has a drunken abuser for a father in his life. Your son deserves better from life as do you.

History has a nasty habit of repeating itself and I note without all that much surprise that you grew up having an alcoholic abuser for a dad too. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; look at what yours taught you. Codependency for one thing and that is really damaging to you as a behaviour. No-one thought it necessary to protect you from him when you were growing up and you still have no idea at all about what actually constitutes an emotionally healthy and respectful relationship.

You have to break this cycle before your child could also be condemned to repeat it. Womens Aid and your local domestic violence group could help you leave if you were yourself wanting to accept their help. Be brave and take that first, often the most difficult of steps, out of this dysfunctional and toxic relationship. It will get easier for you after you have taken this first step out of this.

Original poster
Samm975 · 27/10/2019 09:05

I know in my mind everything you are saying is right. I guess because my mother never walked away i have this idea that you don't give up you just stick with it. I don't want to involve organisations as I don't want them to think my child isn't in a safe home and risk anything with him. I think I will take my opportunity next time he leave for his session and pack his things. I need to put my foot down and not allow myself to be treated this way anymore. I can't imagine my child growing up watching their mum been abused and Spending most her days crying. It's not right.

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 27/10/2019 09:17

OP this is an awful relationship to be stuck in. I really feel for you because its not easy to make that final decision. Please please do it for your child though. He must come first and staying with this disgusting abusive alcoholic is the absolute worst thing for him.
He does not deserve to have a family.
I would be more scared of being stuck in that horrific relationship for the rest of your life, than breaking free and going it alone.
Just think, if he wasn't there you wouldn't be wondering where he is, when he will be home and what state he will be in. You won't have to listen to his abusive words and threats. And, lets face it he doesn't help with baby anyway so what will really change?

What is your housing status? Do you rent or own your home?

Anothernick · 27/10/2019 09:17

Agree with everything others have said. This guy is a worthless waste of space and a danger to both you and the baby. Better to be alone than with this c*nt.

Original poster
Samm975 · 27/10/2019 09:27

We own the house. Mortgage is very small though so I wudnt be too worried about paying it alone. So good to have an outsider opinion because he just tells me I kick off over everything and make a big deal of everything. Makes me feel that I'm over reacting. Then I feel bad for been upset when he doesn't come home as I feel I'm just been dramatic. I am going to take the next opportunity and remove his stuff when he goes out. Just nees to stick to it once I've done it and not weaken and let him back after.

OP posts:
category12 · 27/10/2019 09:39

But legally he will have the right to come back into the home. This doesn't matter if you're sure that he will leave and stay away if you tell him to go. Some guys will just go. Are you?

Get legal advice about the house. You may be entitled to legal aid if you can prove domestic abuse. You may be able to get a free initial consultation with some lawyers. Or speak to Shelter or CAB for advice. Also speak to Women's Aid - they'll have the knowledge to support you and help you make an exit plan.

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