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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it an abusive relationship?

47 replies

Samm975 · 27/10/2019 00:23

I'm starting to think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. Been with my partner 5yrs and have a 5month old baby. He has always had a problem with alcohol. Disappears most weekends and some week days. Turns of his phone and heads of out drinking. This had gotten very bad over the last year. Everytime he returns home a big promise of how it won't happen again and how he is sorry to turn around and do it all again afew days later. Anyway last year I suffered a miscarriage. We got home from the hospital after it and he told me he was just running up the road to one of his mates house. He turned of his phone and disappeared for 3days. Left me home alone crying and grieving by myself while he went out drinking. When he returned he told me that was his way of dealing with it and has never mentioned the miscarriage since. I text him on the year anniversary of the miscarriage and he ignored the text. While I was pregnant with current baby he was constantly drinking and disappearing for days. I took him to London for a treat during the pregnancy for 3days.He left me alone in the hotel room for 2days while he went out on the piss and turned of his phone. Only showed up as we had to leave to get flight back home. Again full of sorries and excused. During my labour he never once held my hand or gave any words of encouragement. Once baby was born he went home and went out drinking with his mate. Didn't come up to the hospital the next day and when he did arrive the following day he lay in my bed on his phone saying how he wasn't feeling well and left me to deal with baby and all after having a c-section. He has never done one night feed or really helped out in anyway. He is still our drinking nearly every week. I've caught him lying about where he actually is and who he is with and he says he lies cause it he told the truth about where he is I would just give him a hard time. He walks past me as I sit crying. I asked him to fight for us and his son and he said he is sick of the conversation. Constantly screams at me to shut my mouth and so much more. I think I need to walk away but I'm so scared of being alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Samm975 · 27/10/2019 10:14

I have looked into the house situation and apparently I wouldn't have to buy him out if his half of the home until the child was 18 but he would leave i Think if he had no other choice. He wouldn't contribute a penny but he would happily walk away he doesn't actually care about anyone.

OP posts:

funnylittlefloozie · 27/10/2019 10:34

Your child isnt in a safe home while you continue to live with an abusive alcoholic. Break the cycle, lovely. Dont repeat your mum's mistakes, and let your little one grow up in the same environment you grew up in. You know what you have to do... please do it, and keep yourself and the baby safe.

Original poster

Samm975 · 27/10/2019 11:02

Thank you everyone. I'm sure I will be back with an update

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 27/10/2019 12:09

Good luck!
Be aware though that he will likely take being kicked out differently to it being him that just walks away - so may become spiteful. Even though he doesn't care about anyone but himself he may break back in just to 'win'.

Good luck with it though! Sounds like your best option for now.

Anothernick · 27/10/2019 14:09

Technically he may be entitled to get back into the house if you kick him out but if he tries that then call the police and explain circumstances, they will see that you are under threat and they will tell him to stay away. Their default response is always to leave babies with the mother for obvious reasons.

waterwaterwine · 27/10/2019 14:17

I was in a very similar position with my ex. Whilst pregnant he would go out drinking, text other women, pick fights with me and his friends. Arrive home at ridiculous times and the next day it would always be the same story. He wouldn't do it again blah blah blah. Ultimately that turned into a week later him asking if I minded him going for a drink and I'd be the bad guy with his friends and family if I said no. Eventually after I had the baby and there was no change I gave up and told him to do whatever he wanted. He continued to drink and when my son turned 1 I'd had enough and I walked away. It was the best decision for me. It may seem hard to do BUT he isn't going to change and you need to look after yourself and your baby.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 27/10/2019 14:21

Thank God you've decided to end it. Your poor child will have a much better life.

CoconutAmericano · 27/10/2019 14:35

Please don't give your baby the childhood you had. I wish you every strength in leaving your abuser.

Original poster

Samm975 · 27/10/2019 14:45

So I've told him I want him out and he has kicked off. I was ment to be going to a event tonight and he told me I won't be going. He has packed afew clothes into a suitcase and gone with them. He text me saying I'm a stupid bitch ect ect. I've still got this pit of anxiety in my stomach.

OP posts:

MoonGeek · 27/10/2019 14:49

Please be careful. The moment you decide to leave can be very dangerous. You are doing the right thing but you need RL support. Is there anyone you can call?

category12 · 27/10/2019 15:10

Well, short term pain for long term gain. It's good that he went.

Aveisenim · 27/10/2019 15:11

Keep a log of all texts, call the police if he continues sending abusive messages. Can you take the baby with you to the event? If you can, I'd still go. You're not with him anymore, he cannot tell you what you can and can't do.

crappyday2018 · 27/10/2019 15:24

Well done OP. I would pack up as much of his stuff as you can and drop it off wherever he is. I would also change the locks. I know legally he has a right to be there but this might just give him the message that he's not wanted.
I'm not sure how accurate it is about not having to buy him out until your child is 18, I think this may only be in certain circumstances but seek legal advice about that.
The most important and urgent thing here is that he is out of the house (or you are) so do whatever you can to keep him out.

Original poster

Samm975 · 27/10/2019 15:46

No I can't bring him but it fine honestly i don't mind missing it. It's worth it. He's gone back to his parents so he shouldn't loose his temper if they are there

OP posts:

Mix56 · 27/10/2019 16:10

Lock the doors
Don't back down, he will probably promise to change... (he won't)
You will just end up as before.

Original poster

Samm975 · 27/10/2019 16:43

Thanks guys. Gonna be a long few weeks

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 27/10/2019 16:50

You've definitely done the right thing. I can't imagine someone calling me names like that and thinking i would ever want to see them again, let alone date them.

Lock the doors and leave the keys in them. Arrange a locksmith as soon as pos.

Saturdaynamechange · 27/10/2019 19:34

It might be worth thinking about getting an urgent non molestation order and/or occupation order because he has threatened to harm you already. Sounds scary but it might give you some breathing space. But it'll start a chain of events regarding future contact arrangements for your child and him but that probably isn't a bad thing.

www.ncdv.org.uk/are-you-suffering-domestic-abuse/how-ncdv-will-help-you/

Have you got a good health visitor? They often have experience in domestic abuse and can support you. My HV was wonderful and helped me get legal advice and put plans in place to leave.

toshbish123 · 27/10/2019 20:02

How are you? Is he still contacting you?

Well done, first step x

Fizzypop2 · 27/10/2019 23:24

I haven't read the whole thread but had to put my tuppence worth in before I fall asleep... I don't know about abusive (although I would suspect so!), but this man is horrible. I imagine you will feel much much happier without him, you just have to take the first step. Good luck, your post really breaks my heart x

Ihavehadenoughalready · 27/10/2019 23:30

You must leave ASAP.

You know what his top priority is, and it's not you and it's not the baby.

He has destroyed himself and will destroy you too if you do not leave.

Innishh · 28/10/2019 01:04

Well done. Please change the locks and before that bolt the doors from the inside. Keep all of his abusive texts. Call the police if he kicks off and threatens you.

Please remember that your little baby is absorbing your tension and his anger - you baby will be confused and distressed and this will have a massive emotional impact - so keep him away and do everything to lol after yourself so that you are not stressed.

What are your next steps? Don’t worry about what he does next, what he says or what his friends and family say (they will try to get you to give him another chance as that suits them) - be crystal clear. That’s not happening. Respond once only and then everything through solicitors.

Do you have friends and family or other support in RL to help you? Keep re reading this thread and posting here if you wobble or are scared or lonely.

Hug your precious baby you have given them a wonderful gift - keep focused xx

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