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Original poster

We decided tonight our marriage is over- needing a handhold

38 replies

hazeljo · 26/10/2019 23:40

So after 3 months of trying to sort things out, today my DH and I decided that we have to end our 4 year marriage (together 8 years). The crux of it is we want different things, I want to move away somewhere and he doesn't want to. This is something I have always wanted from the beginning of our relationship and he said he did too to begin with but when opportunities came up there were always excuses and reasons to put it off. I started to resent him for this, particularly as I had an awful time being bullied by my boss at work so when these chances to move and for me to get away from that came up and he wouldn't go I would feel really angry towards him for it (although usually swallowed it back down).

I feel like this is something I need to do in my life to be truly happy and today I told him I need to go and do it and that I want him to come with me but he needs to want to come. He doesn't want to come but he is seeing it as I've made the decision to leave him. I see it as we have both made the decision, I've chosen to go but he has also chosen to stay.

I feel heartbroken though. He is my best friend and I never thought I'd spend my life without him. There were other issues too but they were resolvable, this is one that can't be though. He's sitting downstairs drinking (he doesn't do that often) and all I want is a cuddle from him because he's the one person who can always make me feel better when I feel like this. I'm so scared to be without him but I also feel tired of constantly waiting to live my life fully and that I need to just go and do it.

I'm sorry if this doesn't really make much sense. My head feels all over the place right now. I almost wish he had done something wrong or was bad to me as it would make leaving so much easier.

OP posts:
Original poster
hazeljo · 26/10/2019 23:41

We don't have kids.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/10/2019 23:41

I think you're right - he's making the decision to stay just as you're deciding to go.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have children?

SiddaleeWalker · 26/10/2019 23:43

I’m sorry. That sounds so painful. It takes real bravery to admit you can’t live like this rather than muddle along unhappily.

Original poster
hazeljo · 26/10/2019 23:44

No kids. We had been trying for just over a year with no joy. That has contributed to me deciding to go as I started to realise that if we end up not being able to have kids, I'm not living the life I want and that thought terrified me.

OP posts:
madroid · 26/10/2019 23:44

Could you not find another job locally?

Could you suggest a trial move? Rent somewhere else for 12 months and see how it goes?

Seems a shame to break up if everything else is good.

madroid · 26/10/2019 23:46

One year trying isn't that long. If you wanted to you could visit doc for help.

Original poster
hazeljo · 26/10/2019 23:47

I have managed to find another job which I just started last week but we were already discussing separating by the time I started.

I've been suggesting a trial move for years but for different reasons he wouldn't do it.

OP posts:
Time40 · 26/10/2019 23:48

Couldn't you have a long-distance relationship, OP? You move away but he comes to visit, and you go back to visit him?

Original poster
hazeljo · 26/10/2019 23:49

One year trying isn't that long. If you wanted to you could visit doc for help.

I know and we had started going through appointments with the dr but it was more what the time trying without getting pregnant made me realise about what I want from life rather than the lack of getting pregnant itself that was the issue if that makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
hazeljo · 26/10/2019 23:50

Couldn't you have a long-distance relationship, OP? You move away but he comes to visit, and you go back to visit him?

He has suggested that in the past but I know I would really struggle with that. I wouldn't feel like it was much of a marriage and I would struggle with the lack of physical intimacy.

OP posts:
something2say · 27/10/2019 00:19

Move forward then, love. Excruciating decision by the sounds of things, but made now, so move on and be happy. FWIW I took a major decision like this at 30, now 45 and proud and happy that I took my life in the direction I did x good luck x

bellabolla · 27/10/2019 00:23

You've got a handhold from me OP.

Keep your head up and lots of luck in your new job!

Fere · 27/10/2019 00:25

Did you discuss couples counselling at any stage?

SusieOwl4 · 27/10/2019 08:22

So how far apart will you be? Does he not to move away from family ?

Original poster
hazeljo · 27/10/2019 08:58

Did you discuss couples counselling at any stage?

Yes, I suggested this a couple of times but DH thought it would be pointless as we talk to each other very easily about things. He felt there was nothing to be gained from saying it to someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
hazeljo · 27/10/2019 09:03

So how far apart will you be? Does he not to move away from family ?

There isn't one exact spot I want to move to, but a number of different places where there are opportunities for the kind of lifestyle I want to live (basically an outdoors/rural lifestyle). This could be as near to an hour away from where we are now although the furthest away I would go is about 4hrs away. To me that's not that far but the reason he doesn't want to go is he doesn't want to be away from his family. His family are amazing, lovely people but this has been a recurring issue in our relationship where almost everything has been based around them and they will always come before all else.

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 27/10/2019 09:10

Sadly op l think you are doing the right thing.....your ttc journey has shown you what life you want to lead and to give that up for no good reason...(not wanting to move an hour and a half from his family seems like a lousy reason to let you go to me) would only make you so unhappy you would end up leaving anyway.

keepingbees · 27/10/2019 09:13

Handhold Thanks
I get how you're feeling, I want to move away too but my DH refuses. I resent him, my life is miserable. But we have DC so I can't just walk away. I think you're doing the right thing, life's too short to be unhappy.

Startingoveragain1 · 27/10/2019 09:25

Op... and hour away is nothing... it takes me 1h 30 mins just to commute to work... it seems a massive shame to break up a good relationship for an hours worth of driving. He can literally see his family whenever he wants to still (if u chose one of the closer destinations). Even keep his job. I know a lot of people are not used to commutes but tell him many many folk commute farther than that on a daily basis fgs. I think thats something you were honest about from the beginning and for him to let u go because he is gonna be an hour away from his family is a bit ridiculous. Hand hold op... just be true to urself

Original poster
hazeljo · 27/10/2019 09:48

Startingoveragain1
The thing is he previously commuted an hour each day to work and says he hated it and wouldn't want to do it again. There are places an hour and a half a way where he could transfer to (his work is quite niche and only has bases in particular areas). Jobs came up in this area which I could have applied for this year and would have stood a very good chance of getting and would have been a huge wage rise for me, in an area that costs far less than where we are now, which would have given us a really good quality of life. He's someone who is very set in his ways, which is something I've always found hard as I'm the opposite and love spontaneity and adventure, although these differences have always worked well for us and we would pull each other out our comfort zones but this one just seems to be a step too far.

OP posts:
Stillfunny · 27/10/2019 09:56

Gosh , I thought you were talking about leaving the country.
How pathetic of him. Being with someone that small minded would definitely be an issue later on in life.Especially if you feel that you are more open to being adventurous.
Years later I often think of my DH as " Go nowhere , do nothing " person.
And so have just gone on to create my own life.

crimsonlake · 27/10/2019 10:08

I hope you can work through this as basically apart from this issue you have a good relationship.
Possibly this will be the wake up call he needs.

Original poster
hazeljo · 27/10/2019 10:11

To be fair to him, there have been times when we have argued about it or I've gotten upset about it when he has begrudgingly said that he would go although making it very clear it's not what he wants to do. I don't want that either because him going purely because I've forced him to wouldn't be the way I would want to start off living somewhere else and if it didn't work out for any reason then it would all come back on me rather than it having been a joint decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
hazeljo · 27/10/2019 10:12

Thanks crimsonlake, I hope so too. I've said to him that it's never going to be too late for him to come with me. It will take me a while to get things sorted to move there and if at any point he decides he wants to come then I will still want him to.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 27/10/2019 10:12

That's ridiculous OP. He sounds a real stick in the mud. I've just moved across the country on my own new job, new home, new everything and it's amazing. I'm so happy with the move. He is holding you back. You will end up bored and resentful in the end. You don't need toI've next door to family all your life.