We decided tonight our marriage is over- needing a handhold

[hazeljo]

So after 3 months of trying to sort things out, today my DH and I decided that we have to end our 4 year marriage (together 8 years). The crux of it is we want different things, I want to move away somewhere and he doesn't want to. This is something I have always wanted from the beginning of our relationship and he said he did too to begin with but when opportunities came up there were always excuses and reasons to put it off. I started to resent him for this, particularly as I had an awful time being bullied by my boss at work so when these chances to move and for me to get away from that came up and he wouldn't go I would feel really angry towards him for it (although usually swallowed it back down).

I feel like this is something I need to do in my life to be truly happy and today I told him I need to go and do it and that I want him to come with me but he needs to want to come. He doesn't want to come but he is seeing it as I've made the decision to leave him. I see it as we have both made the decision, I've chosen to go but he has also chosen to stay.

I feel heartbroken though. He is my best friend and I never thought I'd spend my life without him. There were other issues too but they were resolvable, this is one that can't be though. He's sitting downstairs drinking (he doesn't do that often) and all I want is a cuddle from him because he's the one person who can always make me feel better when I feel like this. I'm so scared to be without him but I also feel tired of constantly waiting to live my life fully and that I need to just go and do it.

I'm sorry if this doesn't really make much sense. My head feels all over the place right now. I almost wish he had done something wrong or was bad to me as it would make leaving so much easier.

OP, where do your family i.e. parents live ? If they are still with us, are you emotionally close to them ?

OP, where do your family i.e. parents live ? If they are still with us, are you emotionally close to them ?

My family live close to where we live now and we are also very close to them. However, as lovely as they are, his family are very insular, dont have many friends, aren't very close to extended family, etc. My family have lots of friends, we love each other and spend lots of time together but we also do other things but his family don't. I think that's where he gets really worried about leaving them.

Also, despite us living only 5minutes away from his family currently and 25 minutes away from mine, my family will come to visit us at our house far more often (in fact his have only been to our home a handful of times in the 3 years we've lived here). We are always the ones to go to his family so although he's not said it I think he knows if we lived further a way it would be very one sided in terms of visiting and seeing them.

It sounds like.you are at a point in yr life where.there are choices that need to be made about what kind of life you want. I suppose it's about making the choice that you wont regret - be that to stay or to go. I wonder if counselling for just yourself would be a good way of interrogating what choice to make. Unless you already know that moving on is the right decision for you - I'm bot.quite clear from your post if you are entirely convinced it is?

I don't think it's fair to call him a stick in the mud. Why should he up and leave? Op you are being brave to do what you know is right for you and I hope it works out.

You couldn't pay me any money to live in a more rural countryside type location but I'm no stick in the mud

Teaandcrisps
I definitely feel that moving is the right thing for me, but I am quite scared of leaving him to do it on my own. I always hoped that we would do it together.

homeworkery
I agree that he's not a stick in the mud. He's great fun and really interesting and has loads going for him, this is just something I want that he doesnt. Although what gets me the most is that he's admitted to me in the last few days that this is something that he actually does want, but that he will never do it because he won't leave his family. He is now saying that he could only see himself doing it only when his parents aren't around anymore. They are in their mid 60s so that could be another 20 years.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, and I think this has to be about more than just moving to some as yet unknown location or you would want to work it out. Sorry but it sounds like you’ve taken the my way or the highway approach here. Either give you what you want or you’ll leave.

FWIW I’ve been on the other side of this. My h insisted we move, but he did have valid reason, he wanted to be closer to his job. Insisted it would be best for him though. From my POV, I was settled, had friends locally, a support network with family,volunteering positions as I was a SAHM but it was very much sold to me as that I owed it to him. Three times we tried to move. The first time I actually broke down and ended up giving him an ultimatum because I knew that if we moved I would be miserable. And ultimately we moved to a town three hours away from my family, moving DS away from all his friends, me away from any support network with no job, no contacts, nothing, and reality is that for h all that changed was his address.

And I was totally isolated. There were other issues as well but at the end of the day the only thing important was his wellbeing. And ten months later we split up and are now divorced.

If you actually love each other then you will find a way through it. I don’t buy into this notion that you have to follow your dreams at all costs, especially when those dreams aren’t actually defined yet other than that you’d like to move to a rural location one day.

I think you owe it to each other to be genuinely honest about what is really wrong in your marriage, or work on the life you have, because there are no guarantees.

Op I spent 10 years living somewhere I was very unhappy. The house itself made me miserable (very dark) and the location was cut off.

I stayed because my husband did not want to move.

It nearly drove us to breaking point, and eventually I got a job which meant I had to move and my husband followed. We are both much happier now and he said it is the best thing we did. However if he had said no to moving, I would have gone.

Sometimes you just know that you need to make a change. Good luck to you.

nocauserebel
It's not just about moving to a random location, it's about the lifestyle that comes with particular locations that we can't have where we are. I have always known that I wanted this particular lifestyle and have been open about this from the beginning of our relationship and I thought that DH wanted the same thing. I have stayed where we are now for years because DH didn't want to go and changed my career from an exciting freelance one to something more stable and secure that I enjoyed far less because I knew that the stability was important for DH. I've made many compromises and sacrifices for our relationship over the years and I was happy to do so because I love him but what has happened with my work and not getting pregnant in the last year has really made me start to think about what I want out of life. You might see it as me being selfish but I disagree with you that if you love someone you will give up on what you want out of life for them. I've been doing that for the last few years and I still feel like my life is missing something.

It also may seem like my dreams aren't define but I just didn't want to post anything too outing. The reason I want to move to particular places is because I am a very outdoorsy person, I am a rock climber and kayaker and have always wanted to work and live in the outdoors since I was a child. I know for some people these things are hobbies to go away and do at the weekends but these are the times I feel truly happy and I want to live where they are on my doorstep and I can potentially pursue a career involving them. It's not just about randomly wanting to move.

Bite the bullet and do it, OP. You want different things in life and neither of you should have to give up their desires.

Be as kind to each other as you can; there's a chance you can remain friends after a while.

I think you’re doing the right thing, OP. A lot of people here will have been on the other side of this, so they’ll be defensive, but from what I can see you’ve been as open and honest with your husband as you could have been. If you ignore this impulse you’ll end up resenting him down the line. This is the kindest, most courageous way forward. And you never know if your roads will lead back to one another someday.

Thanks hollowtalk.
We are definitely going to try to do that. I feel like that makes it a bit harder right now and I almost wish that one of us had done something wrong but I know in the long run it's far better this way.

You just want different things from life. Neither of you are wrong, you're just not quite right for each other. My ex was like your husband. I hated his small town, he loved it. I'd travelled, he'd never moved, was quite happy there. He ended up with someone who also adored and had never left his town. They are probably much more suited.

if you ignore this impulse you’ll end up resenting him down the line.

I think this is what worries me most for the future and in fact this year there have been times when I have felt resentful of him when opportunities came up that I really wanted to go for but couldn't. It's not his fault and I don't want our relationship to go that way. I am terrified that it's the wrong decision but I won't know until I've done it and if I don't try it I don't want to spend my life wondering and potentially blaming him for me not doing it. I'm scared of not meeting anyone else, not having kids etc (I'm 32) but I feel more scared of feeling trapped in my own life and ruining what is currently a great relationship anyway with unjustified resentment. I just feel I need to do this but it still feels really hard and breaks my heart to walk away.