I think there are sometimes cues that we miss because before children a relationship is more easily equal. Both work, you cook, I’ll wash up, you do the laundry and I’ll iron etc. It’s also easier to be much more forgiving at any inequality at this stage because it’s so much easier to rationalise or even out in other ways.
You can be the very imagine of female empowerment with a great job, financial independence and a great partner who pulls his weight with the chores.
Then bam you have a baby and all of a sudden your on maternity leave with this tiny baby to look after, your leaking, tired, hormonal and all the rest of it, all of which your partner can be sympathetic about but never experience or truly appreciate for himself. All of sudden the weight your partner used to pull around the house goes out the window because you don’t go to work and he does, your at home surely you have the time? Then there is baby who more often than not just wants mummy for BF or comfort, and dad/partner doesn’t have the patience to learn to settle baby and before you know it that becomes 100 percent your responsibility too. Maybe dad/partner feels pushed out, you don’t have the time or affection for him you used to (well because your looking after a house, a baby, trying to look after yourself, your knackered and he doesn’t help like you expected) you resent that he gets the freedom of going out to work, and his life hasn’t hardly changed. He resents that you get to stay at home, and thinks that his life has changed massively, his partner is tied all the time, isn’t up for sex, and this whole baby thing isn’t what he imagined either.
It’s so easy to end up hating each other during this period no matter how great your relationship was before. I don’t think there is much you can do to prepare your relationship for a baby, aside from talk through the responsibilities and practicalities of having one. Even then you’ve no idea what kind of baby your going to get, one that’s fuss free and sleeps through the night, or one with colic that doesn’t sleep for longer than 20 mins at a time. Regardless of what was discussed or agreed on before can go out the window in the name of basic survival and sharing the of night feeds/nappies/settling is soon forgotten because you end up taking the path of least resistance and your just trying to get through.
It’s very true that having a baby is tantamount to setting off a bomb in your life/relationship. As women are hormones push us to care, love and bond with our offspring, men while they do love and care for their offspring don’t feel the same drive that we as women do making it much harder for them to self sacrifice they way a woman/mother does. I think this along with drastic changing of roles is why so many couples split during this period of early parenthood. It’s hard, society and expectations have changed and in years gone by a man would have be shamed for leaving his family and divorce was very much frowned upon. Nowadays no one really bats an eyelid at a man leaving and moving on to pastures new. It’s much easier to leave and start again when things get tough. I’m not saying it’s good or bad, but it’s a fact.
In short, you can pick the nicest most reliable guy, who treats you like you deserve to be treated. None of it guarantees he will be a great father, or indeed that he will stick around, or that you will even want him too.
If only we all had crystal balls eh!