Why do good men go bad?

[BolloxtoGender]

‘I don’t think you can ever see what a decent guy pre kids will be like after kids.‘

Just saw this on another post and other posters agrees, as if it is normal or happens a lot.

Why is that ? How does the switch just flip? Is it subconscious? Is it something they suppress until that point? I didn’t think it was common or a Thing, but clearly it is. Trying to understand why.

You pays your money, you takes your chances. We all do our best to pick a good one but in the end we can never predict what life will throw our way, how it will change the people we love; we just try to protect our own precious relationships with communication and kindness, but there are no guarantees.

"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is a lie. People who were lovely can be embittered and broken by life experiences, they can become completely discouraged, angry, etc. etc.

Having a baby, getting ill, losing a job, etc. can be extremely difficult, upsetting, scary and frustrating experiences. They break some people. Some men don't survive it emotionally and end up acting out, becoming horrible and violent.

You have to also remember that vast numbers of men are taught that the only acceptable emotions are blankness (no emotion) and anger... so if they feel sad, disappointed, worried, scared, etc, they can only experience it as anger, for example. That is really really difficult to overcome and can turn someone into a total arsehole in difficult situations.

Some people get brain injuries and become arseholes. It's not nice and it's not fair, but it happens.

There really are no guarantees. You can try to stay on the lookout for a man who takes care of his mental health, tries to communicate well, is a feminist, displays humility and egalitarianism, etc and that can be a bit of insurance - but people change, people are changed, it's just one of those things.

Good men don't go bad. Bad men were always bad, and the red flags were waving from the start but their partner chose to ignore them. This is victim blaming nonsense and displays a lack of education about how human morality is formed.

It really has nothing to do with stress or the child. He was never good to begin with. He just showed you the false Mr romantic mask. Once he has sealed you in he no longer needs the mask to keep you around.
Truth is that they were never good to begin with, it was all a facade.

I suppose it is because we women are hormonally programmed to stick to the side of the child regardless of whatever happens.

That's probably secondary to the fact that people tend to live up to societal expectations. Men are not held to the same standard of parenting behaviour as women - so they don't show the same behaviour, or feel the same things, oftentimes.

Also... remember that hormones are themselves affected by societal expectations... it's a delicate interplay of factors.

Add to that, that we teach boys not to be too loving, not to cry, not to feel things... how do you bond with a baby, feel empathy for your wife, etc. if you've stuffed down all emotions except anger and perhaps a kind of light cheerfulness...?

Toxic masculinity in general adds up to good men going bad, imo