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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I too sensitive?

30 replies

florenceuk · 29/08/2002 16:21

DH is on the whole a loving dad and is as proud as I am of DS's achievements, of which there are many, DS being all of 9mths old. But he can say some strange things which makes me wonder if we are different planets when it comes to DS. For example, when I said DS was looking very cute (all the time IMO but just particularly so at the time) he said, "But xxx is better-looking". And recently he said DS was "retarded" as he had only just learnt to clap at 10mths. Said in a sarcastic, I'm really joking way but still - is this normal for dads? Shouldn't they be as besotted as we are??? Or is DH more detached than the norm?

OP posts:

bells2 · 29/08/2002 16:50

Does he spend much time looking after your son on his own?. That usually does wonders for bonding and appreciating the personalities of small babies.

bloss · 30/08/2002 05:59

Message withdrawn

jessi · 30/08/2002 08:44

florenceuk, what springs to mind immediately on reading your post, is that perhaps your dh is feeling slightly jealous? I think dh's find it very difficult when babies come along, especially if they are used to having you all to themselves and your attention focused on them.I think his comments are trying to stop you thinking your ds is the greatest little lad in the whole world, (which, of course he is to you) so whatever comments he throws at you won't change your opinion! But by saying them I think he sounds like he's feeling abit left out. Why not ask him?
Good Luck.

Original poster

florenceuk · 30/08/2002 10:56

I think maybe I am being too sensitive, and it is all to do with how we feel about each other and our relationship, and DS. So maybe I'm taking his comments more negatively than I should? Actually I think one of the negatives of BF is that I rarely leave DS with DH, because I have to faff around with expressing and then DS hardly ever drinks it so DH feels stressed. A friend of mine left her 10mth baby for a week while she went on a girl's holiday to Spain - I can't even imagine it!!

OP posts:

sister · 30/08/2002 11:02

My DH has definately become more attached to ds and dd as they have got older. Tiny babies don't really interest most dads. My ds in now nearly four and the bond is very obvious.

Queenie · 30/08/2002 13:45

I remember being furious with DH when our DD had taken her first step at 9 mths and he never mentioned it to his mother on the phone so I said tell your mum DD took her first step this week. He underplayed it by saying "apparently" as he had not been there. I could have punched him because his mother never stops boasting about her other grand-daughter who is 2.5 years older. I am not a boastful mother imo and told him to be proud in future - my father is the same. He has been better since and thinks she is "very advanced now" so perhaps they just need telling they can be proud without being a show-off. If they want confident children they must learn to praise them.

sjs · 30/08/2002 13:54

I think Queenie may have hit the nail on the head. He may think it is boasting and that it isn't allowed some how. My dh was the same the first day and then when I said it was OK and that our dd deserved 2 people who thought she was the best, he got into the swing of things. Now I have to warn him when he is becoming a baby bore!

Jbr · 30/08/2002 15:58

That's awful. I wasn't overly proud of my baby in the "braggy" way (is there anyone more boring than that!) but I did discuss what he had done if anyone asked. DP was the same as me.

I don't think it's a "man" vs "woman" thing at all. There's no reason to think us ladies will be more attached than the man.

sobernow · 30/08/2002 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CAM · 30/08/2002 18:07

Yep, definitely all the men in my family think nothing of "saying it how it is" whereas all the women can only say kind nice things about the family children. Dh though, I must say, does think dd is the bestest ever and has never said anything to upset me (wonder if he would be like with a boy though).

Ellaroo · 30/08/2002 21:04

florenceuk, just wanted to say congratulations on ds learning to clap, and that I know this wasn't your point, but I don't think that 10 mths is actually that late! I am utterly over-sensitive when it comes to children being critisised and don't think that this is a bad thing - the look of pride on a child's face when they learn something new is just heart stopping imo, and to think that someone would greet this with a critism, rather than praise makes me feel really sad. Could dh have been saying it to get at you? Do you think that he could be feeling left out???

Chinchilla · 30/08/2002 22:56

My dh is always saying that ds is late to do everything. He is 13 months, and has only just learnt to clap (despite doing it once at 10 months). He can stand on his own briefly, but not walk. He was late to roll and crawl. He can't speak, except to say 'Mum mum' (awww!)

I think that men don't understand that it is not a race. In general, they seem to want their children to be the best at everything, when the mothers are just happy to let their children develop at their own pace. Fathers don't have the same love as mothers (in my OPINION, before anyone moans at me), purely for the reason that they did not carry the child. I'm not saying that their love is not as strong, BTW, just different.

Don't get me wrong, my dh absolutely adores ds, but I get a bit p**sed off with him saying, 'shouldn't he be doing x,y,z by now?'

SofiaAmes · 30/08/2002 23:09

I've found that dads seem to be much more competitive about their children than mothers. My dh is forever commenting on how much better our ds is than everyone else's children. I think it's just part of the male gene to be competitive. My dh isn't any less besotted with our ds than I am, he just has a different way of expressing it.

Jasper · 31/08/2002 03:28

The day my dd was born my dh looked at her and said "she's not exactly a pretty baby , is she?".
Fortunately I found this reasonably amusing and was not offended. I like to remind him about this remark from time to time and he is very embarrassed.
Bloss I too have joked about my children being retarded in certain aspects of their behaviour.

I do think I am far more besotted with our three than dh is, and he is a full time dad.(you know what I mean )

Queenie · 31/08/2002 14:13

Those who have said it's not a competition are so right and sometimes the "milestones" we are looking out for spoil the full picture. My dd is a chatterbox at 22 months but can't hold a spoon very well - food always on the floor. My friends dd does not talk at all but is marvellous with a spoon. When my DH expressed concern to me about the lack of verbal ability of my friend's child I had to say "well, yes DD is advanced verbally but XXXX's motor skills are more advanced - they all catch up in the end, I suppose". I made sure I told my friend how well her dd managed eating with a spoon as I know she is a bit concerned about the lack of speech development and I wanted her to acknowledge the skills her dd has.

aloha · 31/08/2002 18:54

I think it's so English to run down our babies, as if they are something we've made and to be too proud of them is to somehow be boasting about ourselves. I quite often have to stop myself saying things about ds which are slightly - I as going to say self-deprecating, but I suppose 'deprecating' is a better phrase. I now try only to say really positive things about him because really I am so very proud of him, and I want to him to always hear that from me. He understands a lot of what I say now and I want him to think he's pretty fabulous, which he is.

alexsmum · 01/09/2002 00:04

I don't think that parents should ever say 'deprecating' things about their children.If a child can't rely on his/her parents to think that they are the bees knees then it doesn't bode well for their future self esteem.They have got to know from the word go that you think they are beautiful and clever and good at things.This is my opinion anyway.My dh by the way is absolutely besotted with our ds..just as much as I am!!

Tortington · 01/09/2002 01:00

bloss! ur so funny! i too tell it how it is, and hubby and i speak quite frankly about everything. i can honestly say i thought my first born was beautiful, the twins were u.g.l.y!! pink wrinkled skin every where, my ds was cock eyed and my dd didnt have hair till she was three! but "they" think that they are the best lookin, sounding, kids.. cos we tell em so!
sobernow.. i nearly wet miself at ur posting! i think it must be a male red head thing. but they have to stop with the comments, my daughter eats a lot and is v. tall for her age and large framed like her dad and her brothers call her names like " fatty" and i wont stand for it, she gets quite sensative about it and can even cry.... the thing is there isnt an ounce of fat on her entire body ... she is just not "traditionally" femanine
and florence, you are not over sensative at all, you were hurt at what was said so dont push your feeling under the guise of "sillyness" next time make an apt retort like ...." well he must take after his father then" ( v. childish! but my style!!) maybe more comments about how he takes after your dp's side of the family might stop comments like this or a sharp " keep ur bloody comments to yourself" might do it too!!!
xxxx good luck
oh btw following any of my advice may lead to break ups!

Chinchilla · 01/09/2002 22:45

Alexsmum - you are right about making your child feel like the most important thing in the Universe - but this must be tempered with being able to take jokes about themselves, otherwise they will get picked on forever.

My family were so serious about everything, and I could never take a joke as a result - my school life was a misery. My dh is completely the other way, and is a complete p*ss taker. It leads to some interesting 'conversations' in our house!

I am always telling my 13 month ds how much I love him, and how gorgeous and special he is, but my dh thinks that I overdo it. Perhaps I need to be somewhere in the middle.

bloss · 02/09/2002 04:14

Message withdrawn

Azzie · 02/09/2002 10:00

Chinchilla, how can you possibly overdo telling your littlies that they are gorgeous? I still tell my ds he's gorgeous on a regular basis, although at nearly 5 he's now finding it a bit embarrassing in front of his mates!

Is your dh perhaps jealous that you don't tell him he's gorgeous all the time ?

angharad · 02/09/2002 10:18

Having an Italian nonna (my mum) our children are really quite secure in their beauty/talents etc..I think that kids some how manage to not get too carried away by their own egos as they get older, dd expected people to be utterly charmed and interested in her as a toddler and would actively seek adult indulgence (planes, trains, shops) but now she's 7 she seems quite normal and certainly doesn't expect the world to revolve around her. On the DH front, he does make occasional commnts, such as "DS1 looks brain damaged when he pulls that face" but on the whole is doting and convinced that our kids outshine those of friends and family.

Chinchilla · 02/09/2002 21:25

You could be right Azzie - hadn't thought of it like that!

eemie · 02/09/2002 23:03

Sobernow, just caught up with your message. You might like to tell your dp that my MIL is still calling dh 'Podge' and he's in his forties. I've heard her shout it across a roomful of friends or a noisy pub. I ignored it for almost a year, until she asked me point blank if I found it 'funny' and I said I didn't. Then she did it more and more, particularly when talking to me. It has made a difficult relationship much worse.

Original poster

florenceuk · 04/09/2002 21:52

Thanks everyone! Should add that actually DS learnt to clap at 9.5mths . Everybody's baby is really an extraordinary genius if you think of what they learn to do in their first few years of life - it's only when we get older that we become ordinary

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