Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel rubbish/DH online messaging

28 replies

Lampshade12345 · 26/10/2019 20:24

DH has a history of online affairs (no meeting). It all came to a head last Christmas and he promised he'd change, deleted apps etc.

Had my suspicions recently that he was messaging again and saw confirmation of it tonight.

I feel so sad and sick. Only last week I was thinking about how good everything has been, how he's really made an effort, is nicer etc

I don't know what to do, I'm trying hard to just keep my cool but I just feel so shit, I feel like I'll burst into tears at any moment.

No idea what I'm hoping to achieve by posting this, just letting it out I suppose.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2019 20:27

How many times are you willing to put up with this bullshit? You have him one chance, I certainly wouldn't give him another. I'd be telling him to GTFO.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2019 20:28

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why have you stayed with such a person, is this from him all you think you deserve?.

Have you got to a point where you now think enough is enough and divorce is now on the cards?.

WarmFunKindStrong · 26/10/2019 20:35

Why does your DH do this? Has he explained why? It seems ridiculous of him to continue with this behaviour knowing how disrespectful and hurtful it is for you.

You have some difficult decisions ahead. 🙁

FabbyChix · 26/10/2019 20:37

This isn’t a reflection of who you are it’s him no matter who he was with he would do this it’s like an addiction. Personally I’d call it a day and rather be alone than accept this behaviour

Pinkbonbon · 26/10/2019 20:43

Oh well, he's messed up his second chance so I'd be kicking him oot on his arse.

More concerning to me would be how you talk about how he has been nicer lately though. As opposed to what? The dick he normally is? He shouldn't have to try hard to treat you with respect and kindness.

If that stuff doesn't come naturally to him, its because he's a shit. And why would you want anything to do with a shitty human being, let alone to be married to one.

Youve had your wake up call, no need to make any more excuses for the dirtbag.

Lampshade12345 · 26/10/2019 21:06

I've thought of leaving but I just can't.

I'm a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2019 22:28

Why can't you leave?

NicholJO · 26/10/2019 22:42

Hi lampshade 12345
Your not an idiot I'm having the same with my partner we have a 5 year old boy and I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant with a little girl I have put up with his sex texting on and off for 4 years but like you I love him it's so hard and belittling and honestly I will never 100% trust him as I don't think you will trust your partner now but saying that it's also hard to end a relationship when you love somebody I honestly feel for you I'm send you all the best 💐

Lampshade12345 · 27/10/2019 00:50

It's awful isn't NicholJ0? It's like the women are in your house.
At Xmas it all blew up because DH was sexting right in front of me, complete with erection. It's hard to describe what I felt, just sick and that I must be disgusting in some way. I still feel like that.

Why can't they just stop?!

I feel for you, to be pregnant as well must be destroying.
Your partner, like mine, is a dickhead.

OP posts:
P1nkHeartLovesCake · 27/10/2019 00:55

If you act like a doormat you know what people will treat you as such

Sexting/messaging other women proves he has zero respect, if you choose to put up with it that is on you

You stay he does it again......You make your bed a lifetime of no trust, knowing your long term partner doesn’t respect you. So sad some women put up with this

CeefaCasperTheFriendlyGhost · 27/10/2019 01:04

OP it could have been me just over 5 years writing your post almost word for word. He won't change, it won't 'get better'. Throw that sorry excuse for a man out as soon as possible. It'll be the best thing you ever do and your self-esteem will increase immediately. The only regret you will have afterwards is that you didn't do it sooner. Trust me.

Lampshade12345 · 27/10/2019 01:28

How did you manage to leave Ceefa? I've never left anyone, this is my only relationship. Were there other problems or just the texting?
I'm glad life is better for you now.

OP posts:
OrchidInTheSun · 27/10/2019 01:20

You're not disgusting, he is. What a revolting specimen of a human being.

But you can't change his behaviour. You can however change your response. He isn't going to stop so what are you going to do?

MsDogLady · 27/10/2019 01:24

OP, I am sorry for your pain.

Your husband cheated right in front of you. You gave him a second chance and he has blown it. He feels entitled to chase illicit sex/ego boosts, and he is not going to stop. This is all about him and his weak character.

Why would you stay with a liar and cheat who treats you with such contempt and disregard? Show him the door, OP. Do you really want to sentence yourself to a life filled with anxiety and uncertainty?

NicholJO · 27/10/2019 08:01

Hi lampshade 12345
Your not disgusting your perfectly fine it's him that is disgusting believe me I know how hard it is but never think it's you my partner says it's about getting a kick out of it and talking about some fantasies he as but it's all bullshite he enjoys every aspect of it please don't ever think it's you and if you leave him then your a stronger person then me and that's fantastic sending you big hugs

ShitOnIt78 · 27/10/2019 08:05

Oh lovely, it isn't you. He is an absolute shitbag! I know it seems scary and impossible to know where to start with leaving him, but you really need to. Whilst you stay with this man letting him disrespect you and erode your self confidence with his vile behaviour, you are denying yourself the chance of happiness, be that by yourself or with another partner, one that loves and respects you.

You can do this, you are stronger than you know Flowers

thewooster · 27/10/2019 08:24

Don't stay with this man, he will never stop chatting to other women. He will promise not to do it again, will hide it from you and it will eat away at your self confidence wondering what he is up to. He aint going to change after he's already promised to stop.

You are not disgusting or an idiot. He is the disgusting one and an idiot.

Dump his sorry arse and don't look back.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2019 08:31

Lampshade

You are not the disgusting one here; he is. This is all on him and his behaviour is his sole responsibility. This is also who he is; you cannot change him but you can and should change how you react to him.

What has prevented you to date from leaving your H?. If you could express your fears about leaving then this could perhaps help you move on and ultimately away from those.

Chocolate123 · 27/10/2019 08:38

He's never going to change because he knows you won't leave. It may be difficult but you need to walk away or this pattern will just keep repeating itself

Pinkarsedfly · 27/10/2019 08:39

Not much shocks me on here any more, but the thought of some gitbag openly sexting in front of his wife, complete with an erection, has done it.

What an arsehole.

Leave, before your children learn that this is a normal and acceptable way to treat your loved one or be treated. If you can’t do it for you, do it for them.

He’s awful.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/10/2019 09:54

OP you MUST leave.

The reason he continues is that he is a bastard, and one who thinks you won't leave so he can get away with it and still have his housekeeper/sex provider on tap too.

He doesn't give a shit about you.

If you don't find the strength to leave this will eventually destroy your mental health. You are already so ground down that you are numb enough to consider just carrying on.

You've got so many years ahead of potential happiness with someone else, or a LIFETIME of this crap. And bear in mind that if a bloke like this gets what he thinks is a better offer, he'll be off without a backward glance anyway. How would you feel then, if after years of this torture he eventually told you he'd found a younger willing idiot and was leaving you high and dry? He would!

Please please start talkign to people who support you. You CAN do it, and you'll be so much happier.

Do you have children?

CeefaCasperTheFriendlyGhost · 27/10/2019 10:40

@Lampshade12345

I just snapped one day. I had his password for FB and whilst I had never used it, there was just something telling me to check his messages. I did and there they were - messages describing how he'd met up with someone and had sex in his car. And this was with someone who was an old friend of his, whose house we'd been to, who'd come to our wedding.

I messaged him there and then saying 'I've seen your latest messages. Wherever you are, don't come back. You won't be able to get in anyway as I've put keys in all the locks. If you come and kick off, I'll call the police." He never came back and we made arrangements for him to pick up all his stuff the next week.

I know it won't be easy for you. I first found out about all his sexting 4 weeks before we were getting married. The texts dated back to at least when our daughter was 2 weeks old. I should have called the wedding off, but for all the wrong reasons I went through with it. I sometimes look at our wedding photos and in some of them you can see the sadness in my eyes. Our marriage lasted less than 2 years. In that time (apart from the messages that broke the camels back) I knew of at least one other woman he was still messaging as I'd seen the messages on his phone's lock screen.
And then on the night I chucked him out, his messages revealed he'd been messaging at least 20 other women, ranging to mild flirting to meeting up, sexting, dick pics, the works.

THEY NEVER CHANGE. You deserve SO MUCH MORE. You will become a shadow of your former self, someone you don't recognise anymore. I put up with so much shit for far too long because I still loved the man he'd been (pretended to be) when we first met and kept hoping it would go back to how we used to be in the beginning.

You don't have to put up with this. I'm so happy now. Knowing I have protected my children from that toxic relationship, that they won't grow up thinking that's how relationships are (he was a miserable bastard too who would shout and swear at me during disagreement and sit in silence at the dinner table, didn't like the children making noise, didn't pay for anything towards us or the house etc etc). He really was the epitome of a cocklodger and I hate myself for putting up with it as long as I did.

After we split up my sister told me he'd also messaged my then-18 year old niece and my grown up daughter revealed he'd messaged her friend saying 'if she ever wanted to talk....' They hadn't wanted to tell me at the time because they knew what a mess I already was.

Our house is now full of love, lots of laughter and happiness. Yours can be too Thanks

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/10/2019 10:51

Just leave him OP. How ever hard it is it's better than this. He will not change.

Lampshade12345 · 27/10/2019 21:00

I'm scared of being alone and of being even more of a disappointment to family than I already am.

He's been awful towards me in other ways, can be violent to a degree, a little controlling sometimes etc. He's also acted in very loving ways. (I have become awoken to the fact that it's probably abuse even though he can be very caring etc)

I don't think I have the energy to leave or do anything about it. My life has just been one traumatic and stressful event after the other. It just keeps piling up and all I can do is keep trudging on. I feel worn down, I just exist.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 28/10/2019 01:30

'I don't think I have the energy to leave or do anything about it. My life has just been one traumatic and stressful event after the other. It just keeps piling up and all I can do is keep trudging on. I feel worn down, I just exist.'

That would probably respond well to therapy and/or medication- if you've tried stuff and it hasn't worked, go back so they can try something else. Please see your GP and see what they suggest- if you've been in the past it's worth going again and telling them how you're doing now, so they can try something new.

Leave him when you feel able- abuse and mistreatment of every kind, such as all you're experiencing, will damage your mental health further- or worse. It's actually more damaging for you to stay and put up with countless shit, including violence, than to go through the bit of stress of moving on. when you get your own place you might realise further how much staying with him was getting to you.

Hugs xxxxx

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.