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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont think wife is interested in me any more

41 replies

Mrmrman · 26/10/2019 19:05

Hi we have been married 11 years and I dont think my wife is interested in me anymore. Day to day domestically everything is fine. But intimately we may as well sleep in different rooms. Only time she has shown any real interest in initiating things was when she wanted to get pregnant which, ashamedly I resent her, as she made me feel used, as I'm only there for 1 thing!. We dont cuddle, we sit opposite ends of the room once kids go to bed watching tv, Etc.
I've tried to spice things up, got her underwear, toys, stuff to do together but no interest is shown, I try speaking about it, as for suggestions, fantasies, things to try but no interest is shown.

Dont know what to do?

OP posts:
perkypink · 26/10/2019 19:08

I would ask her outright. Ask if it is a relationship or a friendship. It is really up to you when you feel that you've had enough & you want to move on. Feeling unwanted is no way to feel in a relationship and a frank conversation (even if it's not what you want to hear) will be better for you both.

EmperorBallpitine · 26/10/2019 19:11

Often these things start a long way away from the bedroom. If you have no intimacy in your day to day, don't have conversations, aren't connected as people, no amount of lingerie will bridge that gap. In fact, buying sex toys might even come across as , you only want her for that.
Think hard about your everyday connection. Are you a team? Do you share laughs and moments? Are you affectionate outside of the bedroom? Neither of you sound like you feel very loved.
Start there..... Little things, and a frank chat......

Interestedwoman · 26/10/2019 19:14

'got her underwear'

Nooooooo, do you realise that ramps up the pressure? Please don't do that bit for a start.

As to toys and what to do together, IDK if (and I suppose this also applies to the clothes) you do this, but let her pick. If you just present her with a toy or stuff to do, it's just more pressure, and annoying if someone's not in the mood.

I you can talk about it enough, ask her to pick any stuff out online, by herself or with you.

Either way, you could have a conversation about it, but please be careful to try not to make it sound like pressure- that's a real turn off.

Original poster
Mrmrman · 26/10/2019 19:36

Thanks.. it's not from lack of trying on my behalf. We talk and get on well just if anyone initiates things it's me. I give her goodbye kiss in the morning I hug her before bed if I dont there would be nothing. I did an test once went a week without anything.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2019 19:39

Do you do your fair share at home? Do you cook, do laundry, hoover, parent the children equally? The underwear and toy thing made me cringe.

Aussiebean · 26/10/2019 19:45

How many kids do you have? Is she touched out? The kids are constantly all over her that time on the couch alone at the end of the day is lovely.

PicsInRed · 26/10/2019 20:03

You got her underwear? So you basically gave her a job - entertaining you? What did you do to seduce HER?

FairportConvention · 26/10/2019 20:04

Op my HD could have written this. In fact I checked the time stamp of your post to be sure it wasn’t him Blush
Two things, some people have a much higher need to touch than others. My dh needs a lot of touch, I could happily go the rest of my life never being touched again. So you maybe mismatched in that regard.
The killer for me though was issues early on that arose after a couple of hugger life events for me, and his behaviour. Our relationship survived but only just. Sometimes I think it is mortally wounded.
Think over your relationship, has your wife withdrawn because of an event or patter of behaviour from you?

Pastryapronsucks · 26/10/2019 20:08

There is a saying that men need sex to feel loved women need love to feel sexy.

I know when my children were young I just wanted to be left alone, the more pressure my partner put on me the less sexy I felt. Underwear and sex toys would have totally grossed me out.

My advise would be to show you care and make her feel special without any sexual overtones.

fireworksandhotdogs · 26/10/2019 20:13

You bought her underwear?! How can she possibly resist such a selfless act of generosity Confused

Original poster
Mrmrman · 26/10/2019 20:26

Cheers guys your making sense. Yes I share the chores equally theres no complaints there it's the lack of interest in anything that I'm concerned with positive or negative.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2019 20:32

Do you understand that buying her sexy underwear is really buying a gift for yourself? Do you really GET that and what a turn off that is?

1boy3girls · 26/10/2019 20:34

Have you tried asking her how she's feeling and if everything's ok? Then go on to explain why u have your concerns it's quite simple you both need to communicate a lot more with each other.. she might actually be surprised that you asking her if everything's ok with her.. but the underwear thing is a definite no no! It does put a lot of pressure on, sex isn't everything in a relationship it's how u communicate with each other instead of second guessing how the other feels.

firstoffence · 26/10/2019 20:35

Hi OP,
I’m in exactly the same situation as you.
My wife has struggled with a bit of anxiety and depression which I have only discovered by accident.
We are also a good day to day team and looks great from outside.
I have come to the conclusion that I have tried everything and as long as I know where I stand I’m happy to carry on until kids are at a stable time in life for us to divorce.
The thing I keep asking myself is ‘what the hell will we do when we retire?’.
I feel your pain!

ApacheTomcat · 26/10/2019 20:38

"I've tried to spice things up, got her underwear, toys, stuff to do together but no interest is shown,"

I'm really not surprised. 'Wear this, use this, do this' is unlikely to fire up her interest. It's like being handed props, costumes and a script to act out someone else's fantasy.

SittingAround1 · 26/10/2019 20:46

How old are your children? If they're young she may simply be exhausted from looking after them and just wants time to herself when she gets to bed.
Does she get any relaxation time? Does she work and is it stressful?
It may be you she's not interested in anymore or it maybe that her life is too full to fit anything else in, including sex.

MadeForThis · 26/10/2019 21:05

You need to connect with your wife again outside the bedroom.

She's probably exhausted and focused on the dc 24/7. It's easy to become two parents and not husband and wife.

It's normal but it can be fixed. Pressure to have sex will make her run the other way.

Cook her a meal. Go out for a few drinks. Get away from the kids. Do the stuff you did pre kids. The sex life will follow.

PurplePickleJuice · 26/10/2019 23:09

I could be the wife in this situation.

Our pre dc interests were around getting drunk and going to gigs and socialising (not the best basis for a long term relationship in hindsight). My post dc interests are the dc. His didn't change. He didn't even want to discuss them when I was pregnant which started the whole disconnect and once born he saw them as an inconvenience for many years.

He's good at housework too, better than me. We have a good life together from the outside. But there's no connection physical or mental. He has 0 interest in anything I'm interested in, and to be fair, I have no interest in 20 hours a week of sport so that's mutual.

If I thought he would be happy I'd leave, live near by, and do the equal co-parenting thing.

SittingAround1 · 26/10/2019 23:32

Is she guaranteed an orgasm if you do have sex?

user1479305498 · 26/10/2019 23:54

I appreciate sex is important for some people but for others it just isn’t the be all and end all and actually the more you buy stuff like toys and underwear or mention sex the more you will make her feel under pressure to ‘enjoy it’ . I am not saying it’s ok , but I am saying that you need to be connecting mentally and showing natural affection that doesn’t come with an expectation of sex

Majorcollywobble · 27/10/2019 00:16

Your marriage is 11 years old . If neither of you have physical problems or mental hangups your sex life should be satisfying for both of you . You tried gifts of nice underwear and sex toys - why not . I don’t think you had any agenda other than wanting to please . Your motives were good.
As someone who fought long and hard to maintain intimacy and fun and great lovemaking in my own marriage I truly feel your pain .
Keep talking to her . She needs to be told that her lack of interest is making you feel unloved . She has to hear that her lack of interest is making you unhappy . The lack of closeness and togetherness will kill your marriage in time.

DBML · 27/10/2019 00:30

I couldn’t live in a sexless marriage or a marriage where sex was infrequent. I would: a) explain how you feel very bluntly to your wife
b) be prepared to leave and find someone who wants to be intimate with you

You obviously don’t want to force your wife to do things she doesn’t want to do, but can you live with this?
Trust me, resentment will grow until you stop bothering to be affectionate at all. So talk about it plainly and if things don’t improve, don’t waste your life waiting for change that simply won’t come.

Interestedwoman · 27/10/2019 00:31

'if I dont there would be nothing. I did an test once went a week without anything.'

Ohmagerrrrd, a whole week! :)

@Majorcollywobble She needs to be told that her lack of interest is making you feel unloved . She has to hear that her lack of interest is making you unhappy '

I think that would be kind of emotional blackmail into sex. I know that when an ex of mine was like this in various ways, I did NOT appreciate it. I suppose something has to happen though, at the very least with the OP's way of looking at the situation.

DBML · 27/10/2019 00:42

Sadly on MN you will find that either you’ll be accused of not helping your partner enough with housework and that’s why she doesn’t want sex with you...
or...
That you need to put up and shut up, because your need for sex is trumped by your partners desire not to have sex.

Personally I think that when a person forsakes all others to be with one person, there is a slight expectation that sex will be part of the package.

If you can’t even speak to you oh for fear of putting ‘pressure’ on her to have sex she doesn’t want, then just leave or tell her you’re opening up the relationship and will look for affection elsewhere.

I’m a firm believer that it’s highly unfair to expect a person to have sex if they don’t want it. But it’s equally unfair to force a person to live a celibate life, when they enjoy sex.

MMadness · 27/10/2019 00:47

Fuck me. The guy is trying. As much as it may be misplaced, it's not fucking abuse. Jesus wept.

If you can OP, arrange a sitter, go for dinner somewhere neutral and bring up your concerns. You're allowed to be dissatisfied with how things are. No partner, male or female should feel ignored and neither should be unwilling to discuss an issue that is important to the other.

Try to pinpoint exactly what you're feeling. Is it purely lack of sex? Or intimacy in general?

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