I dont think wife is interested in me any more

[Mrmrman]

Hi we have been married 11 years and I dont think my wife is interested in me anymore. Day to day domestically everything is fine. But intimately we may as well sleep in different rooms. Only time she has shown any real interest in initiating things was when she wanted to get pregnant which, ashamedly I resent her, as she made me feel used, as I'm only there for 1 thing!. We dont cuddle, we sit opposite ends of the room once kids go to bed watching tv, Etc.
I've tried to spice things up, got her underwear, toys, stuff to do together but no interest is shown, I try speaking about it, as for suggestions, fantasies, things to try but no interest is shown.

Dont know what to do?

Make some space for her on the sofa, ask her to snuggle and watch a movie, touch her in a non sexual way, not for too long unless she asks you to continue and don’t lead on to sex.

Keep the contact and kissing but no sex. You’ll create a feeling of trust that not every hug or kiss will lead to sex, that’s important. It’s easy for some women to get a feeling of “Uh oh” when contact starts.

Someone asked before, is she guaranteed an orgasm when you have sex? Is she?

@DBML 'That you need to put up and shut up, because your need for sex is trumped by your partners desire not to have sex.'

Well yeah, being free of sex you don't fully consent to is more serious than being a bit horny or whatever.

'Personally I think that when a person forsakes all others to be with one person, there is a slight expectation that sex will be part of the package.'

Fortunately, marital rape is a crime at last, and most people see that being married doesn't mean someone has a right to their spouse's boy.

'If you can’t even speak to you oh for fear of putting ‘pressure’ on her to have sex she doesn’t want,'

I suppose that depends how he does it. Buying clothes, toys etc and handing them to her or whatever isn't going to cut it.

' tell her you’re opening up the relationship and will look for affection elsewhere.'

Unilateral statement that one is going to be unfaithful if not shagged as much as one wants! Nice.

'it’s equally unfair to force a person to live a celibate life, when they enjoy sex.'

As you know, all marriages go through dry spells. OP is not even having no sex, he was shocked that he went a week without it.

@Mrmrman have you tried some toys you could use yourself to scratch your itch? www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/male-sex-toys/ Find the right toy and it's virtually possible not to rely on anyone else anymore. I know sex isn't just about getting your itch scratched, but it might help.

@interestedwoman

When I married my husband, I promised to be just with him. That was based on an understanding that husband and wives have sex together. If he at any point had said ‘ look DBML, I’m probably not going to want that much sex’, I wouldn’t have married him.

Now I think I’ve stated enough times that I don’t agree with forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do, so leaving is often the better option. A person who wants frequent sex is not living a happy, fulfilled existence with a person who doesn’t want sex. We all deserve to feel loved and happy.

I’m not too sure about marriage ‘dry spells’. At our lowest DH and I had sex once a week and that was when he had low T (now treated). It was a very frustrating and miserable time and took every ounce of patience I had. Once a week might seem a lot to some people and to others it won’t be enough. If DH didn’t have a medical condition I’d have deemed us mismatched and left.

I think the OP meant a week without a hug or a kiss unless it is initiated by him. I don’t think he is complaining about only having sex once a week. It sounds like that isn’t happening at all.

It also says in his OP that the sex wasn’t that frequent pre-DC and that he felt used because she DTD just to get pregnant and then it all dried up again.

I couldn’t live in a relationship where absolutely every show of affection, from simple kisses and cuddles upwards had to be instigated by me, which is seemingly what’s happening to OP. “Touched out” doesn’t cover this.

Mrmrman I would hazard a guess that you have turned sex into just another chore. For some reason men seem to be good at doing that.

I second a poster above, introduce intimacy (touch, kiss, hug, cuddle) without the expectation of sex. Go back to courting your wife, like you did when you met. Make time for her, go out, have fun, reconnect.

Make sure you're doing your share of chores including running around after kids, bath times, bed times, packing school lunches, remembering things like birthdays, buying the presents instead of leaving it to your wife.

I'd say she's exhausted. Sex feels like one more thing she has to do before she can get some peace and quiet and sleep.

Don't say she's making you feel unloved etc you'll just push her away. Instead, start telling her you love her, find genuine moments, tell her she's beautiful. Make her feel good about herself. Again I go back to courting her. That's what you would have done and said when you met. It seems when men get comfortable in a relationship (IME anyway) that they skip the little stuff and go straight for sex.

@k1233

A massive assumption that this must be op’s fault as he’s the man and “men seem to be good at doing that”. And actually pretty offensive.

Believe it or not, some people just don’t like sex very much, other than as a baby making act and expect their partners to be ok with it. They even believe their partners should sill be loyal and committed to them. They can’t be bothered with sex. They often don’t have much of a sex drive.

I’m not saying that IS what’s going on here, but it could be. And no man or woman deserves a partner that selfish. Telling op he’s clearly not making enough effort is huge leap and I think we all (even women) should be taking a bit more responsibility for our marriages.

If you ask anyone, man or woman to commit solely to you, it’s really cruel to then subject them to a life of celibacy they don’t want.

Op should indeed talk to his wife about the issue, so she has the option of making her decision to put in more effort herself. If she doesn’t respond he has to accept this is his life, or leave and find someone with a similar sex drive.

It doesn’t matter how lovely a ‘sexless’ partner is in other ways, sex and intimacy ARE that important for many people.

I think DBML is right. OP you need to talk to her honestly about how this is making you feel. Either she will try and compromise or things will stay as they are. If they stay as they are you need to decide if this is an issue worth breaking up over. Sex is very important for most in a relationship and while you can’t force a person to have sex they don’t want you equally can’t force a person to stay in an emotionally unsatisfactory relationship against their will

I don't know how other people cope with this, but for me having the kids around is a total turn off. Whrn the kids are away (rare) my libido turns onto normal levels immediately.

I think it's partly the fact that by the time they go to bed I am really tired, partly the fact that I am never sure they are asleep so I don't feel relaxed.

Could be as simple as this?

Miss matched sexy drives in a relationship is extremely difficult for both parties.

The one with the higher sex drive feels neglected and the one with the lower sex drive feels harassed.

You need to have an honest no pressure chat. If you’d like sex every day but your wife is happy with twice a week then this can be overcome but if she’s happy with twice a year and you’d like it everyday then it’s impossible to resolve. Either way this all takes honest communication with no accusations on either side.

(But for the love of god stop buying sexy underwear. It’s the crappest gift going)

The underwear is for you, not for her.
Does she orgasm when you have sex?
You would be surprised how many men do not know how to make their partner achieve orgasm, open doesn’t help.
Would you want sex if there was no pleasure in it for you? It’s a serious question.

Start by showing an interest in her away from the bedroom.
Then have a discussion about what her fantasies are and what turns her on.
You might already have done this I don’t know.

Sex has to be worth it for her.
All this scratchy, uncomfortable clothing I’d only wear if I was guaranteed to get sexual pleasure from it.
Imagine you having to dress up like a dogs dinner in uncomfortable clothing and gaining no benefit from it.

Remember whatever you see in porn or films is not real.
Just as you are not Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise.
If your wife won’t talk to you then you have serious problems.

Op I do think you are trying but getting it slightly wrong however in fairness there doesn't seem to be a lot of communication from your wife. Possibly see it as the communication has broken down.

I found I put a large amount of weight on amounts terms not illness and rightly or wrongly it damaged my confidence. My sextet drive completely tanked.

My dp at first struggled , he never put pressure but he would make overtures regularly. It became a self defeating issue. I started to feel every hug or kiss was him wanting sex. It made me retreat further from any contact and he felt more rejected.

Over time we manage to communicate what was going on. I dealt with my issue and lost weight and rediscovered my confidence and he pulled back on trying it on and reassured me he was in it for the long haul.

If I had said no sex ever and not tried to resolve it myself that would have been different.

No one is entitled to sex but if it's part of your relationship that is making you unhappy you have a right to discuss it.

Knock it off with underwear and toys and talk. Let her come to you , and don't assume it will be in a week. However talk and find out if she intends this to be permanent as that's different. Patience in a long term relationship is healthy , permanent denial is not and then you have to make a decision.

At the moment all your attempts sound a lot like my dp initally making his mistakes that it makes her feel like an object, that you don't want to helearn her fel better but just to get off.

Equally she is making the same mistake I did and not communicating

Talk first , shag later

The other thing not mentioned is could there be any underlying resentments of stuff she is aware of -for example texting others, alcohol, gambling, affairs, porn etc ? Sometimes I find people leave out this kind of detail if it puts them in a bad light and it's actually very important because I am quite surprised at the number of people who expect everything including sex lives and affection to carry on as before even when these things come to light if the person being crapped on doesn't leave .

Its hard to help,or advise someone what they should do in this situation,because nobody really knows what your home dynamics are like. I would only advise you to try and discuss the problems you have together. And forget the frilly knickers and stuff for a while !

Sounds like you are doing all you can I’m in the same boat but Opposite way rounds it me (wife) that feels undesirable. I know it’s hard bring it up with your wife as I’m trying to buck up the courage with my
Husband thinking positive thoughts for you

@Interestedwoman
Take your point to a certain extent but if I hadn’t told my own partner exactly how I was feeling by being kept at arms length and the lack of mental closeness - never mind intimacy - (it did make me feel both unhappy and unloved ) we would not still be married. Luckily he decided it was a relationship worth fighting for . It cuts both ways for either sex .
You mention OP saying he “went a whole week without any “ - he was referring to the lack of a morning kiss or an evening hug initiated by his partner - surely these things are important ? He wasn’t discussing sex but intimacy. So many people end up in sterile relationships because they don’t speak out . Once you stop talking it’s over.