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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife's multiple affairs

47 replies

badgerfun · 26/10/2019 14:35

Hi, apologies for being a bit of an interloper but I'd appreciate a female perspective on an issue which is often discussed from a female perspective but rarely a mans (because men rarely feel able to open up about something so painful)

My wife of 16 years had an affair recently which came to light as we share the same iCloud account and unfortunately a phone refresh brought to light a conversation she had with a friend (also cheating) about her affair(s).

I found out about an affair she had with a man last year (high profile rich dude) that started in June and ended in about November where his interest died out (the chat revealed he pumped and dumped). It also revealed that she had been online chatting with a number of men (she has a moderately successful Instagram profile with many thousands of followers). Some of these men are quite high profile as well and unfortunately quite local to our school (our kids go to school together in some cases). She also flirted online with people who are friend of my friends locally.

After confronting her it also became apparent that shortly after we had our first child she was also having an affair with another man. Apparently it did not progress beyond oral sex. She said she flirted throughout our marriage with men (with nothing physical) as that is what she needed to feel attractive.

I did know about the earlier transgressions but not the extent of them as I had seen some chats years ago. I shut this down as I had fallen so deeply in love with my daughter that I could not bear to lose her at that time. Over the years I anaesthetised myself to it as long as it remained in the shadows.

My question is whether it is really worth bothering to carry on? Now my wife has been found out and come clean she wants to commit and make it work. She claims that our sex life has never been a problem but our emotional life was. I am obviously at a complete loss. I can overlook the affair with the billionaire last year but all of the other shenanigans are a little close to home and make me wonder what is the point.

My only ask is total honesty. I am happy to move on or stay but it can only be one thing or another.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/10/2019 14:37

This sounds like something you need to discuss with a counsellor.

Perpetuallyperplexed27 · 26/10/2019 14:40

I'm not sure I could forgive multiple affairs. She sounds like quite a shallow woman who is attracted to money and attention. Apologies if I'm off the mark but that's how it sounds. Flirting online with people you know and carrying on in this manner shows very little respect for you.

It would be tough to go through the break up and access arrangements but is this really the life and relationship you want forever? Find someone who can give you loyalty and love.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2019 14:46

I would be getting a solicitor and filing for divorce. Concentrate on your daughter and work out co-parenting. You deserve to be with a woman who respects you, because your wife certainly does not. She's been playing you for a fool long enough.

IsItChristmas · 26/10/2019 14:53

When you say you ask for total honesty - would you be happy that the honesty would include a degree of freedom / open relationship element? I don't think expecting your wife to be completely faithful is realistic (although it may be possible short term - for a year or so). She may be 100% honest in wanting to achieve some sort of compromise but may be unable to commit to one partner. Revisiting boundaries of what types of affairs 'in the shadows' are acceptable and which ones are not can work. You need to be honest with yourself about your own needs are and make a decision based on that.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 26/10/2019 14:53

It's not just one its numerous affairs, that suggests to me that she has deep rooted issues with things like self esteem that she needs to work on. If they weren't all sexual then she is not addicted to sex but it seems she is addicted to the attention. Also her friends know and she doesnt seem that sorry or ashamed.

Do you want to try and work on it? Are you happy otherwise? I think I would only be able to even consider staying if she sorted out her issues. I dont mean promising to change, I mean admitting she has some deep rooted issues and having extensive counselling to try and work out why and what she can do to help herself. Why didnt she tell you if she was unhappy or wanted something to change about your relationship?

Morgan12 · 26/10/2019 15:21

I think that divorce is the only option here. You will still be a great Dad. You genuinely deserve so much better than this. You can't live the rest of your life wondering. It's unfair.

richtea12 · 26/10/2019 15:35

How would she feel if you were doing this to her?

Dljlr · 26/10/2019 15:38

I can overlook the affair with the billionaire last year

Why?!

IdblowJonSnow · 26/10/2019 15:40

I'd get a divorce. How can you ever trust her again? There might be even more than what you know about?

MrsMaiselsMuff · 26/10/2019 15:44

This sounds like something you need to discuss with a counsellor.

Would never be the response if a woman was writing this.

Sorry OP, your wife is selfish and cares nothing of your marriage.

LTB.

AdaColeman · 26/10/2019 15:44

I think it would be incredibly difficult for you and she to rebuild any level of trust between the two of you. She would have an awful lot of work to do, and would she be willing or even able to do that?

You say that she now wants to commit to the marriage, but have you discussed exactly how that would work? It could be that she is saying that to buy herself time, while she decides what she is going to do.

Or, since you have overlooked her cheating in the past, she may hope you will do so again, and she will be able to keep her present life.

When affairs are discovered, the whole truth rarely comes to light, so there is probably still much that you do not, and will never, know. She's been cheating and lying to you for many years, divorce is really the only way that you will be able to rebuild your own life.

Startingoveragain1 · 26/10/2019 15:46

Wow op. You deserve love and to be treated with respect and to be cherished and looked after not to be taken the piss out of over and over again. She obviously has some deep rooted issues and you cant fix those for her. You dont deserve this.she needs some mental health care. I dont think id be able to get through that...

JavaQ · 26/10/2019 15:51

She has treated you badly and only wants to change as she got caught. Expect more of the same if you stick together.

speak to a solicitor.

I am sorry this has happened to you.

WhenPushComesToShove · 26/10/2019 15:59

Your wife has proved to be a serial cheater. Do you not consider yourself worthy of better. How can you ever be happy with her knowing she is untrustworthy and has no respect for you. Also give a thought to what example this sets to your daughter. Sorry to be brutal but you did ask for honesty.

Closetbeanmuncher · 26/10/2019 16:28

Your wife is a empty headed serial cheat...

Why waste your time trying to polish a turd??

Try someone who thinks on a deeper level than cash, cock and attention next time.

lasttimeround · 26/10/2019 17:56

For you: www.chumplady.com/

Although you are chump guy.

QueenBeex · 26/10/2019 18:03

LTB

Motorbike311 · 26/10/2019 19:02

Is this a joke? From one man to another (with a daughter who i also love) divorce now and move on with your life (ensure your there everyday for your daughter), you only live once and your wasting your very precious time

BIWitch · 26/10/2019 19:16

Why do you think you need a female perspective? What do you think Mumsnet is going to give you that PistonHeads wouldn't?

or any other MRA site

NotMyFinestMoment · 26/10/2019 19:30

She doesn't respect you, her marriage or her family unit. Tbh, she doesn't even sound like she respects herself based on what you have said. Her behaviour is unlikely to ever change, as it is second nature to her AND she is used to having her cake and eating it AND getting away with it. All that is likely to happen now is she will get cleverer about hiding it and when she meets the one she thinks is the 'right' person, then she will leave you. To me there is nothing to work out here. The trust is gone and there is too much water under the bridge. Additionally if she is sleeping around like this, she is placing your health at risk. Personally, I would be gone and taking the children with me. Good luck to you and your family. You all deserve so much better than this.

FabbyChix · 26/10/2019 19:37

Leave stay and she will think she can do it again. Sharing bodily fluids with three others is gross

GreytExpectations · 26/10/2019 22:08

*Why do you think you need a female perspective? What do you think Mumsnet is going to give you that PistonHeads wouldn't?

or any other MRA site*

Why be unnecessarily goady and mention MRA? Why the fuck would he go on a motoring forum for relationship advice? If you don't want him posting on your precious mumsnet than just ignore the thread and move on.

kristallen · 27/10/2019 04:14

Do you want to invest all your energy, because that's what it will take, trying to trust someone who has cheated for years and apparently now that you're fully on to her is remorseful..only she's not, because she's blaming you: your sex is good but your emotional connection isn't. WTAF is that to say to someone you apparently love?

She's had YEARS to address the perceived lack of emotional intimacy if she wants and she's chosen to flirt with strangers, have emotional affairs and affairs. She could have said, years ago, we need therapy. Or just told you the problem and discussed it.

Why is she going to be faithful now?

A divorce will be emotionally draining, but it will end. You will never be able to trust her fully.

yoursworried · 27/10/2019 04:31

She has no respect for you. Not a bit. You deserve better - I would get out your marriage asap. Sorry this has happened to you

Bobthefisherghoulswife · 27/10/2019 04:32

I would split. I can attempt to forgive once, but not multiple, after the first she should have felt bad/known it was wrong and tried to work on it. But she didn't, she went on to have more. You don't deserve that.

You can still be a brilliant dad even if you're not with your daughter 100%

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