Wife's multiple affairs

[badgerfun]

Hi, apologies for being a bit of an interloper but I'd appreciate a female perspective on an issue which is often discussed from a female perspective but rarely a mans (because men rarely feel able to open up about something so painful)

My wife of 16 years had an affair recently which came to light as we share the same iCloud account and unfortunately a phone refresh brought to light a conversation she had with a friend (also cheating) about her affair(s).

I found out about an affair she had with a man last year (high profile rich dude) that started in June and ended in about November where his interest died out (the chat revealed he pumped and dumped). It also revealed that she had been online chatting with a number of men (she has a moderately successful Instagram profile with many thousands of followers). Some of these men are quite high profile as well and unfortunately quite local to our school (our kids go to school together in some cases). She also flirted online with people who are friend of my friends locally.

After confronting her it also became apparent that shortly after we had our first child she was also having an affair with another man. Apparently it did not progress beyond oral sex. She said she flirted throughout our marriage with men (with nothing physical) as that is what she needed to feel attractive.

I did know about the earlier transgressions but not the extent of them as I had seen some chats years ago. I shut this down as I had fallen so deeply in love with my daughter that I could not bear to lose her at that time. Over the years I anaesthetised myself to it as long as it remained in the shadows.

My question is whether it is really worth bothering to carry on? Now my wife has been found out and come clean she wants to commit and make it work. She claims that our sex life has never been a problem but our emotional life was. I am obviously at a complete loss. I can overlook the affair with the billionaire last year but all of the other shenanigans are a little close to home and make me wonder what is the point.

My only ask is total honesty. I am happy to move on or stay but it can only be one thing or another.

I would say, too, that you don't want your daughter growing up learning that this is an acceptable functioning relationship. I had one parent who was a serial cheater and I was not as oblivious as parents assumed. Whilst I am happily married myself now, I have always been insecure and assume every person will cheat on me - because that is the marriage that was modelled for me growing up. Not only do you deserve better (and you do), but so does your DD!!

Sorry to hear you are facing this. File for divorce. She has zero respect for you and zero respect for the vows of marriage. It is staggering to me that she feels able to say her emotional needs aren't met while trampling over yours. Focus on your relationship with your daughter and find a woman who will respect you and cherish you. She isn't that woman.

Nope walk away. She's scum and you will never trust her. She won't stop what she's doing but she will tell you what you want to hear so she can continue having her cake and eating it too. If you choose to stay I'd be working on your self esteem and self respect and ask yourself why this is OK.. Why you are such a pushover.

Things won't be the same again regardless if you stay or go. But staying is just going to keep you open to this happening over and over.

No. Walk away now. The old saying about actions speak louder than words is true here.
She will never be faithful. By saying she wants to commit she is effectively saying she wants you to stay in your box, keep paying the bills and to continue supporting her lifestyle. Has she booked herself into counselling to break this habit? No. Just a vague, 'Oh, now I've been caught I'll be good'. Fuck that shit!
You don't need a womans perspective, you need a lawyers perspective. You will spend all your life trying to discover her latest affair that she will get better and better at hiding. That is no way to live. Get away. Close the door and breathe.

This sounds like something you need to discuss with a counsellor.

How absolutley nasty of you Purple.
I have seen you offer loads of advice on other threads and because it's a man you automatically respond this way.
Nasty.

Op you dont deserve this. She has cheated throughout your relationship. You need to find the strength to walk away, she won't change. The fact that you stick around will only make her do it again.

@GreytExpectations

I don't think I'm the one being goody here ...

Or even goady! Autocorrect really doesn't like that word.

I honestly do not understand why you are allowing yourself to be treated like this. I also don’t see what relevance the status or bank balance of the men she is seeing has to do with anything. This is a marriage, she is making a mockery of your marriage and you. Start divorce proceedings and concentrate on your daughter. Perhaps you should try and get custody as your wife doesn’t sound like she’s going to provide a very stable home with various men coming and going.
Please have some self respect.

@BIWitch I don't think you understand the meaning of goady. You are the one who came on here and mentioned MRA (for no relevant reason I may add) and essentially questioned why the OP is asking for advice on Mumsnet. Do you question all posters who ask for relationship advice on Mumsnet?

@badgerfun So any thoughts or replies?

Do you really not understand why I might have mentioned MRA, @GreytExpectations? Do you really think I'm the goady one here?

Very happy to give anyone with genuine issues advice. As I do and have done for the 13 years I've been using MN.

Divorce.
She lives in a bubble where infidelity is normal (her friends multiple affairs, they probably compare notes) She would still been shagging the billionaire if he hadn't dumped her. She flirts with your friends.

Its probable she has left out an awful lot of stuff and has infact slept with countless men. She wont change. Ever.

Walk out with a straight back and head held high and don’t look back.

Your marriage is a sham. You are worth more than this.

Agree with wherearemymarbles She has probably minimised the hell out of what she has told you.

I wouldn't waste any more time on this relationship in your position, OP. I certainly wouldn't be overlooking anything either. Bank balance is irrelevant, it's still cheating. Let her crack on with her game of musical beds and get on with your life.

How can you possible trust her? She has had multiple affairs and only come clean once caught.
I wouldn't be surprised that once things have settled she will be cheating again. May want to get a DNA test on the kids while your at it.

It is a rather more complex situation than just one affair, OP.
One affair might indicate an overwhelming attraction for someone else, or a desire for a new partner. Your wife's behaviour with numerous partners, not all sexual relationships indicates someone with emotional problems. She might see the lack of emotional intimacy in your relationship as a problem now but i suspect the feeling of needing to connect may be due to something in her childhood.

Yes, you could "LTB" as suggested by many but it isn't your first response to the issues raised. Do you think that if you could heal her needy personality you could still love her as a person? WE are all flawed in some way, it is just a question of what you really want from your marriage.

I'd suggest counselling - not sure if apart or together might be a good starting point. You might decide to leave her but if the relationship is still in someway precious to you don't be in too much of a hurry.

Why is the billionaire special? 🤔

Not something I could personally forgive. Your wife sounds like a self centred, entitled dickhead probably with terrible self esteem issues which need addressing.

Male or female, it's a LTB from me

She doesn't respect you very much, and I suspect she'll respect you even less if you continue in the relationship.

You're the safety net. Nothing more.

She doesn't respect you very much, and I suspect she'll respect you even less if you continue in the relationship

This will be what will happen unfortunately. Shell end up treating you with obvious contempt and that's something you don't want your bairn to grow up with.

Go for an sti screen and make plans to divorce her. She doesn't deserve her marriage.

You can still be a 100% ace dad OP. My mum was like this, needed to flirt and have a secret buzz/ flirtations going to still feel young and attractive. I think if it’s in someone, it’s in them and no amount of wanting suddenly to be100% committed makes it just vanish they just hide it better or hold it back until they are bored again. It’s not really what being married is about, although all marriages are different and if you can live with it then my advice is to tell her that from now on it’s an open marriage and what’s good for the goose etc- I think the fact you are being ok and open about it all may actually suddenly make it seem not so attractive. I honestly think some just love the secrecy buzz

Cuckold springs to mind