Getting frustrated with Mum when I really don't want to

[Kyle19]

I have so many frustrations about my Mum but I haven’t got it in me to tell her about them, I love her too much and I don’t want to hurt her.

I don’t feel like she ever gives me any independence and is always telling me to do things and not to do things which if she gave me a chance, I’d be able to do them without being told, giving me a chance to prove myself. Like for example, wash your bowl up when you’ve finished, or make sure you lock the door before you go to bed. I have never not done any of those things when I’ve needed to so I don’t know what makes her think I won’t.

I’m 17 and have suffered with heartburn since I was about 11/12 but have never really done anything about it apart from taking antacids. Now that I seem to be having it more and more she seems to think it is down to the amount of alcohol I drink. I don’t drink at all from Sunday to Thursday and have heartburn a lot when I’m at college. I’ve tried to explain those reasons to her but she’s still convinced it is alcohol related, which it clearly isn’t. Everything bad that happens to me, like my broken arm, migraines, heartburn ect, she always assumes that it happens because I’ve done something wrong, like again too much alcohol. Accidents literally happen all the time and that’s just something you can’t avoid.

I just don’t know how much more of it I can take before I eventually snap. Do I just 5 months until I'm 18 to have the conversation with her or do I do it now (not literally now but you know what I mean)?

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic.

That does sound frustrating but at the same time, you're still only 17, you shouldn't be drinking and as your mother she's bound to be exasperated by that. Also, there's a limit to how much financial / practical independence you can lay claim to.

Perhaps though, wrt the bowl, tell her 'yes yes I do that don't I?'' as calmly as you can. And wait, with the bowl, mid path between table and dishwasher before you get a reply.

I don't think that 18 will hold any massive significance in your mother's eyes. Just a guess. (My dd is 16). Unless you're suddenly working, hardly ever there, paying bills, making plans to move out, the day you turn 18 won't change her instinct to remind you to move your plate from the counter to the sink. It won't change her belief that your health would be better if you drank less.

There are probably a lot of invisible jobs you don't see. Cleaning the fridge, oven, and even if you help around the house, there's a lot of work that needs to get done. Maybe getting up earlier than usual on Saturdays and Sundays to do one of these invisible jobs might make her see 1) that it isn't alcohol and 2) that you do see the extent of the work involved in keeping the house in reasonable order.

Alcohol does bring on acid reflux.

If you are getting it more and it’s getting worse why not try discussing it with a doctor and actually doing something about it? That’s being a grown up and taking responsibility for your own health. She’s looking for a cause because you are not and just ignoring it. Lots of things can bring on heartburn including alcohol but also dairy intolerances etc.

You’ve had heartburn from the age of about 11 ? That’s not due to alcohol consumption surely ? Needs attention from a GP .
If you can I’d cut out any alcoholic drinks and see if that helps .
Stress could be a factor . Sounds like your Mum loves you but is over worrying.
I know how you feel as it can feel like a vote of no confidence in you - especially as she’s also giving you a lot of unnecessary and pretty petty reminders of things around the house . Do you cook at all ? Make a meal for the two of you and share it . Shows your skills and would be nice - especially if you wash up afterwards !

I was thinking about cooking but my skills aren't exactly the greatest. I also thought about taking her out for a meal somewhere but I think she'd be against the idea of me paying for it.

Joris Bonson, yes it does but I've had it since the age of 11, I didn't have my first drink until my 15th birthday

Surely you are independent enough to see the doctor on your own? Acid reflux regularly from age 11 is not normal. Alcohol does make it worse too. So it may be a medical reason plus the alcohol making your reflux worse.

Why not sit down with her and have a chat as calmly as possible and say "Mum, I'm 17 now and I really don't need reminding to do things all the time. It feels as though you see me as still being a small child and that you don't trust me to do things." Give her some examples such as the bowl and locking the doors. Ask if she would mind not keep giving you reminders so that you can prove yourself to her that you're perfectly capable of behaving like an adult.

Perhaps the best thing would be to deal with one thing at a time.

You are old enough to go to the doctor by yourself, so make that the first thing you do.

You're not good at cooking - maybe study a few recipes and do something simple to show willing?

I have struggled with heartburn and acid reflux my whole life and alcohol does make it worse, especially as you say you go out (underage) drinking all weekend. One night does me in.

If you want to be treated as a grown up then start acting like one. Book a GP appointment for some proper medication, pitch in around the house to surprise and delight your mum. You're 17 years old but sound you get and quite entitled.

I asked earlier today "Mum would you like any help with the school run in the morning or can I have a lie-in?" And she said "No Kyle, you're not having a lie-in, Tuesday is a school day." I have college on Mondays and work placement Wednesday to Friday. She said that she expects me to spend the entire day revising for exams I have I have in two weeks. I tried to tell her that we are given time in college to revise, and are told to use our weekly day off to spend time with family. This is part of a mental health thing we have going on. She completely dismissed it and said I don't care about my education and that she is close to washing my hands with me.

I'm really struggling to understand what I've done wrong and I don't know wether to try talking to her or just leave it?