Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

huge crush on my coworker

73 replies

aubz88 · 25/10/2019 15:13

I'm 31 and married with 2 kids. I work at a small company and I went on holiday with my colleagues last week to Poland.

The colleague that I now have a crush on came with us. He's 25 and Polish. He has a girlfriend. I always thought he was a pleasant colleague as well as pleasant-looking but that was about it. I didn't know him very well and we don't work directly together but he sits in my proximity.

On the first day of the vacation we all went out for dinner and drinks and nothing happened. On the second day I went sightseeing alone and then joined my colleagues for dinner and drinks.

Now on the 2nd day things happened between my colleague and I but it was so casual and insidious I didn't even notice. He had been drinking. He put his arm around me and drew me in closer to him on one occasion and another colleague noticed this. During dinner he put his hand on my knee about 3 times and when we were walking to the nightclub after dinner he put his hand on my lower back. He danced with me but he also danced with the other colleagues as well. I wanted to leave the nightclub early do have a shower and he said to me: "I will shower you." He didn't want me to leave early. He wanted me to stay in the nightclub.

On the 3rd day I was smiling at him all the time and he was smiling back.

Back to work now. The first day back I just couldn't help it - I have a massive crush on him and kept smiling at him when I saw him.

2nd day back - I think he noticed what's going on and has created a bit of emotional distance between us and stopped being so smiley.

Well it's business as usual back at work but I feel so attracted to him! I have a huge crush. It's hard to hide and I feel awkward and uncomfortable I also feel a bit teased; he started this situation himself by showing me attention and now he withdrawals. I find myself really into him and think of him this way when I'm at work.

What can I do?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/10/2019 21:39

Every single day you ask for sex? No wonder he doesn't wish to. The pressure there must be a huge turn off.

Original poster
aubz88 · 25/10/2019 22:02

I just said in a different post that in the past i didn't. I've tried many things.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 25/10/2019 22:10

Leave.

FavouriteSoul · 25/10/2019 22:15

Your problem is not the crush on the guy at work, but your lack of intimacy with your husband. Don't fall for the sleazy co-worker, talk to your husband. Tell him how it makes you feel. Go to Relate or other couples counselling.

Whathewhatnow · 25/10/2019 22:17

I think there are two or more things going on here that are actually unconnected...

Your husband never wants to plan anything with you/ your kids.... boring beyond words for you, and probably your kids too. Nothing wrong with being a homebody but it sounds like he always wins and therefore your fun/ emotional needs arent met.

Colleague showed interest: chemistry and hormones and circumstance . Not irrelevant at all but you may also have had this with the kids' dad not so long ago?? If you never had it then run run run. No chemistry is the death knell. You need it to see you through the shit times.

If you did once have it with your DH then possibly it's just waning owing to pressures of raising a young family. Only you know whether you actually love him enough to be with DH for ever and ever.

NorthEndGal · 25/10/2019 23:00

Why wont you leave your husband if you aren't attracted to him any more? If excitement is that important, do the right thing and leave.
You are clearly educated and should be able to support yourself.

HedgeHogFoxBadger · 25/10/2019 23:07

Really?
Women get shot down daily for things like this.
You are married and have children, why would you put yourself in that position

HedgeHogFoxBadger · 25/10/2019 23:08

You have tried many different things so I’m sorry I think you need to leave

helacells · 25/10/2019 23:10

I will shower you 😂😂😂

bakesalesally · 26/10/2019 00:52

I agree with you, no sex is a deal breaker.

But so is extramarital affairs, emotional or physical.

Work on it. Leave your husband.

You know what you want to do. No one else.

OctoberLovers · 26/10/2019 00:57

You are 31 if you are not happy, try change things, make life happier for you all
If this doesnt work, and you still feel the same, End your marriage

Cheating is never the answer

He has a girlfriend too. Have some respect !

You sound about 15...

Bodyposiftw · 26/10/2019 09:54

Okay OP you are getting very little sympathy because you seem to be taking your kind husband for granted.
You will get sympathy for me though because just one year ago I was in your shoes. With my manager.
Sex life with DH was very poor and I felt unloved, ugly, unwanted. It is soul destroying and unless you have been through it you don't realise how shit it is. And of course it makes you very vulnerable to creeps. I swear to God those men sense insecurities miles off.
Now he is of course giving you the cold shoulder. If you are lucky it will stop there. If he is a first class creep like my manager was, he will blow hot and cold which is a right pain and keeps you on your toes.
It is a power trip. They don't like us. They may not even fancy us. They just like the wgo stroke.
My manager got worse and worse with the sleazy comments and in the end it was not flattering at all, just creepy and a right headfuck.
Thank God he left. Probably because someone complained about him. I did, but I don't think he found out as it was to colleagues, not to the direction.
So first and foremost, protect yourself. You think he is a nice, fun guy to have fun with. He has a girlfriend and he is already ignoring you. He may not even be an actual creep, just a regular arsehole. Don't compromise yourself and your family for that.
I think the PP who are telling you to work on your marriage or leave are SPOT ON.
For your own self esteem, which is taking a blow from the lack of intimacy at home, doing the right thing, no matter how boring it seems ( been there so I know), is what you need long term.
Shagging him will give you a thrill but it won't last and ultimately you will feel shit . Although I wouldn't know because thank God nothing happened with my manager.
You have to insist on dates. Not take no for an answer.
In the end I told DH that my manager was hitting on me, that I was flattered ( he was attractive), that I couldn't go on living like this.
There were a lot of painful discussions but it was make or break as far as I was concerned. We are too young to not feel wanted by our partners.
We had a few sex therapy sessions. It was very touch and go.
We had dates. It wasn't always amazing but at times it was. Which is pretty normal I guess.
It is amazing how little things make a difference. Yout partner telling you you look nice today.
Sharing a bottle of wine in front of a film.
Going for a walk together.
And yes there is more sex now.
Of course you also have every right to decide that it's over between you and DH.
But the other guy is a distraction. An eye opener maybe. Nothing more. He sounds like a twat.

Original poster
aubz88 · 26/10/2019 22:18

Finally, after a month of no sex I got some off my husband. It was decent. Again, little to no foreplay and no 'pillow talk' after. I guess what's really missing for me is the romance.

Unfortunately, I still find myself lusting after this coworker. I know it's wrong and he's untrustworthy because he initiated this when he has a girlfriend. He even talked about his girlfriend while touching my knee at dinner as well as a few previous girlfriends. Now when he touched my knee it was very casual and it was done while talking to me mid conversation. It wasn't a lingering touch or anything. But I'm still crushing on him.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2019 22:25

Oh grow up

Original poster
aubz88 · 26/10/2019 22:27

Would you want to feel that way for 50+ years? No romance? I'm not sure if I can be happy with that.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 26/10/2019 22:38

If your husband is not showing you intimacy or closeness and refusing sex, then its hardly surprising that youre vulnerable to the first bit of attention someone shows you.
I wonder if this colleague is more the catalyst that shows you youre not happy at home. He is not the one for you either, but you get no prizes for staying in a non fulfilling relationship either

Bodyposiftw · 26/10/2019 22:39

Sadly the crush doesn't just go away OP I know. They say it takes a few weeks . I think he will show his true colours sooner and later.

Fairylea · 26/10/2019 22:44

Get a new job.

Seriously.

You’ll forget about this bloke if you stop seeing him all the time.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 26/10/2019 22:59

Just leave your husband

SusieOwl4 · 26/10/2019 23:11

is this a reverse?

Ginger1982 · 26/10/2019 23:20

"Would you want to feel that way for 50+ years? No romance? I'm not sure if I can be happy with that."

So leave!!

Original poster
aubz88 · 27/10/2019 10:27

Today I told my husband that I was feeling old. His response was to say that I'm old and used up and no one would want me anymore.

I started crying and he said he was joking and that I shouldn't care if no one else wanted me because I already have a family.

OP posts:
Original poster
aubz88 · 27/10/2019 10:32

Yeah, I'll consider it. I'm unhappy with my salary and things are boring. Unfortunately, it will probably increase my commute.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page