So desperately need advice over cheating partner

[MedusaMomma]

My partner decided to have an affair and when I found out it floored me. I thought we were in totally in love and we have a little boy together who, then my partner doted on. When this affair started he obviously became distant from me but also our little boy and barely even saw him. When i found out about it (the ow didn't even know he was in a long term relationship) he stayed for a few days and we talked. He said he was looking for attention and she could have been anyone. It made lite difference because the trust was broken. He seemed sorry and said he was going to work on himself to try and heal the family. He left to stay at a family members house. He kept in contact with me and said he wasn't contacting her anymore. He called me all the time and texted but obviously i was heartbroken and angry. As the days went by he seemed to get really annoyed at me, he dosnt even ask how his son is and was saying the worst things to me and how he hated to be in the same room as me and i was to blame for all this because of how I was. I was getting so stressed and depressed i wasn't eating and sleeping. He then texted me and said he was sick of the fighting and we had to sort it out once and for all for the sake of everyone. He said he was coming around on his afternoon off. I waited and nothing. I texted and called none were answered. Then about an hour before my son went to bed he called me saying he had been with his ow discussing there relationship, he loves her and wants to be with her and she loves him too but dosnt trust him. He said he was also talking to her about what to do about me and my son.... I was absolutely furious that he has been talking like this to her when he refuses to even talk to me about anything. He cannot seem to understand why I am so upset about it all and because I am he feels he cannot talk to me. Its as if he has had a head transplant, I don't even recognise this person anymore. When she is around he completely changes and ignores his child. He chooses her over him continually and speaks to me like I am the worst person to walk the earth. He still keeps texting me saying he is trying to do the best by everyone but how can he be? He refuses to talk to me about anything, he's telling this other woman he loves her even though he was sleeping with us both at the same time before I found out so he lied to her too and the worst thing of all... He has abandoned his son. I just don't know what to do anymore

Make the decision for him and walk away. You and your boy will be better off without him x

@Fcukthisshit I have in the terms of we are done. Im still in the house and I was keeping the lines of communication open for our son. Now he is using his so called hatred for me as the reason why he doesn't see his son but on every opportunity he seems to be letting him down himself. My son has autism so im really worried how it will effect him keep being pulled from pillow to post that's why i thought he was going away to try and make things amicable so he could come here and see him and he wouldn't have the stress of disruption. I can't go on with all of the aggression towards me and how he keeps rubbing it in at chance that he loves this other woman and she loves him

You need to shut down to protect yourself.
Set up an email to discuss contact.
Keep it strictly that.
Everytime you give him a stage he performs.
I expect your hurt is giving him an ego boost. Withdraw.
When you argue with him it is strengthening his relationship with OW.
Let her have him, hes no prize.
Shit partner and father.

I do agree with you there. The fact that he refuses to actually tell me when he is seeing his son baffles me. He just drops it in at the last minute and doesn't even ask if its convenient. Yesterday i waited for him all day pretty much for him to see his son just before bedtime and then be awful to me and go. So of we arrange a time hea either a no show or it's just not enough. Half of me just wants to up sticks and go and just start again with out the hassle

Tell him that going forwards, access will be by arrangement only (by email).

If he's late or doesn't show, you'll stop all contact and he can go through the courts. Your poor DS must be so confused!

And don't listen to all the bollocks about it being 'your fault' - his choice and his alone. He's a cheating bastard and you're better off without him.

Sorry, I mean by prior arrangement. Not just turning up when he feels like it.

Get strict with access, at the minute he’s mucking you around. Email only, keep a record of everything including when he doesn’t turn up. Tell him if he starts not turning up you’ll go through the courts. Claim maintenance for your child. Can he not take your son out rather than coming round to yours or go somewhere neutral or with another relative present.

This is his choice and his responsibility, the more you let him take the piss he will. He wanted out, well that comes with consequences.

I don't mind him taking him out but while he is getting used to things i dont really think it's a good idea for him to stay away overnight because he gets very unsettled. He was like it when we were on holiday. That's why I thought he was working through things with a view to being amicable so things would get easier. It just seems that all he is bothered about is his new woman. He still says they aren't together but he's working on it.. Its like he tries to stick the knife in at every opportunity. If he texts or calls and I don't answer straight away he wants to know what's going on or makes some remark about how im making things difficult. But if I text or call him doesn't answer... He's been asking me who im with or who im talking too... What does it matter to him anyway if this woman he's chasing after means more to him than his family. I just dread everytime he contacts me because its just more and more bullshit

What an absolute loser he sounds. He couldn't come and see you as he was with the other woman sorting out there relationship.

Get an email address for his contact only as other posters have suggested and move on.

He speaks down to you to make himself feel better about what he has done. Let him and his ow rot in hell.

He has no right to ask what you’re up to or who you’re with. He’s playing you.

Keep contact to a minimum. Text him and say what you’re up to is none of his business now you’re no longer together and unless he is texting regarding your child not to contact you.

Another day and not even a word to even ask how his son is. He hasn't even said when he will see him again. It's so unfair that I have to do all of the parenting alone when he can just go around like he has no responsibilities what so ever. It is just so upsetting how he can keep saying he wants to be there for his son and probably has seen him this whole week for about an hour. He's probably having a lovely night out with his woman safe in the knowledge that i can't go anywhere because i hsve our son

Trust me, karma will come in due course and bite him where it hurts.

I really do hope so

I just feel so depressed this morning. All I can seem to think about is this absolute. Horrible mess I'm in right now. I just cannot understand how anyone could put anyone else before their own child. I hate the fact that its eating me alive and its taking up all my thoughts when all he can think about is his life. I just feel like this is getting to me so much and I don't know how to handle the situation. I just feel in my heart he has totally abandoned his child and what do I say to our son?

Maybe do what people have suggested and become back in control with the email. Also maybe when you have the email, use a contact centre so you don't have to see him. Would your son feel comfortable with a contact centre or would it be unsettling for him? Do you have any relatives who can do handover? Keep your interaction with him to a bare minimum because right now every time he sticks the knife in he is reopening all your wounds and not even giving you a chance to heal.

Please don't let him do this anymore. Take back control. Try the grey rock technique. Google it.

The man you thought he was has gone. It's time to realise this other person is also who he is. He is actively doing this so he is capable.
Good luck op.

I have been where you are and it's the worse feeling in the world. However, it will get easier I guarantee. Keep contact to a minimum and mainly by text and just text him for what is essential about your son. Do not get dragged into any other conversations. My now xh changed beyond recognition when he met ow. I realise he is no longer the man I married and I would not want to be with him now. His behaviour towards me since I told him to leave has been horrendous but looking back I'm glad he wasn't nice as it has made me even more glad that I'm no longer with him. Focus on your son...go out and enjoy being with him. It is hard being a single parent but it does get easier as they grow less dependent on you.

I couldn't see how old your son is but if he's autistic you might benefit from a social story introducing the idea that mummy and daddy live in separate houses and the rules might be different at each house. My son found this aspect of our divorce the hardest, mind you my ex made it 10000x harder by refusing to leave the spare room until court order, but also ignored the children.

It is the worst feeling in the world it really is. Setting up emails and all that sounds good but the fact of the matter is he isn't arranging contact. He isn't even inquiring about how his son is. Everytime he texts its to do with the situation he is in, how he is being torn in two. Over what i dont even know. He just seems to always turn everything to be about him and how he is feeling. It hurts because his ow is 26 and he is 40. She has a child so at the weekends her ex partner has the child leaving them free to do as they please. That's probably the reason he dosnt want to see his son because its interfering in their plans. I look at my little boy and I feel so sorry for him. Its almost as if he has just binned this family and trying his luck with another one.

My son is 4 and was a complete Daddies boy. As time has gone on he is not even mentioning Daddy anymore. Last time my ex came around he didn't even seem to care but the next day when my dad popped in he couldn't have been more excited. Its just so sad that his Dad doesn't want to know anymore

Take control for yourself op

As pp have said, set up an email and block him everwhere else.

TELL HIM (don't ask), that access tunes for him to see his son are (for example) every Wednesday night between 5 and 7 and every Saturday between 9 and 5 (you choose the dates and times). Tell him your son will be ready, but if he doesn't turn up then the next time your done will be available will be his next access dat. No over nights, and he takes your son out, he doesn't come into the house. If he doesn't like it or doesn't turn up the tell him to sort it via the courts.

Apply for child maint too.

Time to get tough OP. This is none of your doing and not your fault

This is the real him. He hasn’t abandoned his son because of you, he’s abandoned him because he’s an arsehole and blaming you is just the cherry on cake (which makes him an even bigger arsehole).

Protect your son and yourself by not letting this arsehole mess with your emotions. Communicate only via email and when he misses contact, maintain the paper trail of his fecklessness by stating it in an email.

Types like your Ex (I have my own) will blame you for their parenting failures especially when you are bending over backwards to accommodate them and their shitty behaviour.

I just never thought it would ever come to this really. If I do the email contact thing and he doesn't show what happens then? I'm really trying to protect my son because he needs his routine and structure. He has been doing so well lately until all of this. I don't see why either myself or my son should suffer because he has chosen another life. I did make it very clear that he won't be taking my son to her because that isn't the right thing in my eyes. I don't know if that's me being the heartbroken ex but I just don't want that. Seems more than likely that's why he is staying away

So sorry you're in this situation.

I have 4 children under 10. Their dad moved nearly 200 miles away to be with the other woman and sees the kids usually every 8 weeks

Firstly, as others have said accept the fact your partner is no more. The person he was has gone and you are dealing with a stranger who is not interested in you or your son.
Look out for yourself re money ( child support etc). Do not keep telling your son his daddy loves him when his actions say otherwise. Tell him you and your parents love him. Don't bad mouth your ex but it is no longer your responsibility to cover for his bad behaviour.
Check out chump lady. She rocks.
It is great that your son is bonded well with your father. He will be fine. So long as he has you as the sane parent he will be ok.
My ex told me he didn't want to do the day to day stuff when we split up. He didn't want to do the homework , school runs etc. He wanted to see them every couple of months , spoil them then hand them back. In other words he didn't want to parent. He wanted to Disneyland dad.
While this is obviously not ideal I came to the conclusion that so long as there was some contact ( 5 minute phone calls twice a week and a.day together every couple of months) it would.maintain contact while still giving kids stability. It also increased chances of him sticking to it.
I would ask what he wants by email. Give him options including no contact. I know this is controversial but if he doesn't want contact he won't show up anyway and you're better off knowing. And for your son better no dad than a dad who doesn't show up or care about him. Try and keep lines of communication open with your ex via email Give him your email address so he can contact you if he needs to but don't jump to his tune. Tell him minimum of 7 days notice for visits and if he doesn't turn up keep notes.
I worked very hard to stay civil to my ex for the kids as you sound like you're doing. It is heartbreaking when they aren't interested in their kids but nothing you do can change it.
Sending you a big hug.

You have to get tough, take control. Tell him that contact now will only be via email and access will be in need to be arranged in advance. Block his number and tell him when is good for you - you can always give him a couple of days to choose from - if he messes you around that's his problem.
Then apply for child maintenance and stick to what you say, you have to take control.

@Ishtar6 that sounds like such a frustrating situation. When all this came out I contacted his family and said I wouldn't stop them seeing my son and they were free to see him and so was his Dad. Ar first it was like... That's so great and we will be there for him etc and now everybody seems to have closed ranks. Its almost like it was me that had the affair and everyone is punishing me. Ive tried to bloody hard to not refuse him contact but now its getting me nowhere. The only time I have said no was today because I had already made plans. When he first started being a shit bag, I was out and he said I'm coming to see my son now like it or not. I said I was out and he made me feel like I was being unreasonable because our son wouldn't see his father. So I came back he stayed for about an hour and left again. I do feel like I have been a walk over just so my son can see his Dad. This on top of all the other problems has been awful. Just being left to do the day to day stuff while he just can be free and single. Ive not had chance to get my head around anything at all. I just wish he would disappear and then I can just rebuild my life