So desperately need advice over cheating partner

[MedusaMomma]

My partner decided to have an affair and when I found out it floored me. I thought we were in totally in love and we have a little boy together who, then my partner doted on. When this affair started he obviously became distant from me but also our little boy and barely even saw him. When i found out about it (the ow didn't even know he was in a long term relationship) he stayed for a few days and we talked. He said he was looking for attention and she could have been anyone. It made lite difference because the trust was broken. He seemed sorry and said he was going to work on himself to try and heal the family. He left to stay at a family members house. He kept in contact with me and said he wasn't contacting her anymore. He called me all the time and texted but obviously i was heartbroken and angry. As the days went by he seemed to get really annoyed at me, he dosnt even ask how his son is and was saying the worst things to me and how he hated to be in the same room as me and i was to blame for all this because of how I was. I was getting so stressed and depressed i wasn't eating and sleeping. He then texted me and said he was sick of the fighting and we had to sort it out once and for all for the sake of everyone. He said he was coming around on his afternoon off. I waited and nothing. I texted and called none were answered. Then about an hour before my son went to bed he called me saying he had been with his ow discussing there relationship, he loves her and wants to be with her and she loves him too but dosnt trust him. He said he was also talking to her about what to do about me and my son.... I was absolutely furious that he has been talking like this to her when he refuses to even talk to me about anything. He cannot seem to understand why I am so upset about it all and because I am he feels he cannot talk to me. Its as if he has had a head transplant, I don't even recognise this person anymore. When she is around he completely changes and ignores his child. He chooses her over him continually and speaks to me like I am the worst person to walk the earth. He still keeps texting me saying he is trying to do the best by everyone but how can he be? He refuses to talk to me about anything, he's telling this other woman he loves her even though he was sleeping with us both at the same time before I found out so he lied to her too and the worst thing of all... He has abandoned his son. I just don't know what to do anymore

Cut contact
Your son is better without him
Make him take you to court for contact.
Do not except a penny as that may be used as a way of buying your and your sons emotions.
Make everyone know that your ex is with a woman 14years younger then him.
Facebook it, twitter it, put it around all social media.
So no one with the right frame of mind will go near him.
Make shure people know what he has done.
Do not be amicable to his wants.
If he wants to see your son say no.
Go back to your misses

Get someone to look after your son or pay for a childminder so you can go out.
OP I AM SORRY YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS.

Do not allow him in your life. Forget about him. As he forgot about you and his son.

I do think that I have been bending over backwards to try and accommodate him and all he has done is thrown it in my face. I do think my son would be so better off without him because he doesn't deserve to feel like he is second to his new family. I just think he is just trying to completely cut us out because he wants a new life. He even admitted in the beginning to spending time with her child when his own son wss getting so upset he was crying himself to sleep because he missed his dad. It makes me sick to my stomach. Mind you if she is stupid enough to take a man into her and her child's life who has already lied and cheated at the beginning of their relationship then she must be desperate or stupid. He will end up in this mess again. He already has a 20 year old daughter he hasn't seen since she was 6 months old. (i didnt know about her till further into the relationships) just seems like it's what he does so I hope one day the guilt will rot him from the inside out

If he’s asking you where you are and who you’re with.... he’s obviously still going to be hurt and horrified at the thought of you being with someone else. So next time he messages any time after 5PM, don’t reply until the next morning. When he asks where you were, tell him it’s none of his business any more. Or even better, you spent the night with a ‘friend’.

Stop bending over backwards then. This is all very raw and I understand you are hurting, but you need to be strong for your son.

Stop talking about what he has done and shut down any discussions about the OW. Tell him the only thing your willing to do is talk about your son and his visitation.

Set up days and times that suit you and your son, if he doesn't show fuck him.

Do all of the above by email or txt so that you have a clear trail when this eventually goes to court.

Yes it is all still very very raw. I do need to stay strong and stick to my guns. It's just all very stressful. He said he has got advice on financial matters, mental health advice and other crap but not once did he mention child access. It's all about him. He never even bothered to discuss any of this `advice' with me. He is showing his true colours at the moment. Just wish I had never met the scumbag

I think you should just walk away and let him run on. You have a beautiful boy that your parther is missing out on. Let the other woman have him. I'm sure it won't be for long. She's already said she can't trust him. She will never stay with him. Don't give him any more chances. Karma will come back to bite him eventually. Sending you big hugs and support! Xx

I think you need to be firm, shut down any/all communication with him unless it is to with your son.

Plan things to do with your son, family and friends to take your mind off of it.

Some men keep making kids then move on and forget them when new pussy is concerned.

The ow has landed herself a right twat. I can’t imagine her family are too impressed with the age difference and abandoning kids left right and centre.

Get as much money out of him as possible for your ds. Don’t listen to his excuses or that money will be spent on lingerie to help quell his massive mid life crisis.

Shut down any conversation unless it’s about your son. Tell him you’re not interested unless it’s regarding contact. Do not let him pop over when it’s convenient for him. Take control.

I just get so fuked off with it all. Again day off too busy. Not even an inquiry. Just absolutely vile of him to do this. My little boy just cried for no reason so I know its because of his dad. He doesn't normally just cry. Hes beem sitting looking out the window and i can't even explain or anything

I would be fucked off as well. Can you take your son out so he isn't just waiting for his dad to maybe turn up?

We are going out soon. He just doesn't understand. It makes me beyond furious. I hope karma goes to damn Town on him I really really do

If you werent engaging with him, he would be left with her/himself.

Let him wonder what you are doing.
If you close it all down in tbis way he will want to get back in/get control.
Take control and stick to it.

Everytime you give him a stage hes going to perform.
Take the advice on the thread, stop putting your life on hold for this jerk.

Contact dates/times
Email address
Block

Child maintenance application

He has made his decision.
Let him feel it!
You are still relating to him and he feels like he has options
Remove yourself as one of them.

@Onacleardayyoucansee yes I am going to take control of the situation but I won't be contacting him. Ive just made loads of arrangements for trips and days out over half term so my son has stuff to do. I'm just going to live my life and stop concerning myself with what he is or isn't doing. I won't engage in conversations with him or discussions. I think he has made his point clear and that's up to him. If I have to do this on my own I will and its probably better for us both anyway

Thats the spirit OP.

Vent on here, cry to us, be solid as a rock towards him.

I would still set up an email, offer contact eg 'contact every other sunday 10-5, starting x day, arrangements to be agreed via this email.
I will check emails weekly, on mondays.'

You set the tone and the pace.

He will either step up, or not.
As will you!
Im a lone parent, it was so hard at first, i was even scared at night to start with.
My DD has just aced her GCSCs and is loving 6th form and her part time job, my DS is a happy 11 year old, has a party to attend tomorrow and a friend staying tonight. Ive just told them off for being noisy
I have a lovely home, a job i love, a ton of friends, and enjoy life.

I made some bad decisions but have dealt with things so they have worked for me.
Mumsnet has been a huge source of strength and inspiration to me too.

You dont need him.
Soon, you wont want him either.

Did you look at chump lady?

The email contact thing sounds good. Just ignore him any other time he will soon get the picture.

I’d say, come round on X day and X time to see your son but I wouldn’t bother telling your son his dad is coming, not until he has consistently shown up because there’s no point in upsetting him and having him let down more by your ex.

Stop fretting over what he’s doing and why he is like he is, some people are just cocks and it sucks but draw a line in the sand and take the mora high ground and hold your head high and be a great mum to your boy. The OW isn’t gaining really is she? A cheating partner and a shit dad? Not gonna be long before she’s the next victim!

Work on yourself and build up that confidence and you’ll find the strength to kick him to the kerb. Good luck