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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man bereaved and gone quiet

33 replies

Sunshine386 · 25/10/2019 08:56

I’ve been seeing a man for two months, we are both in our thirties. A few weeks ago he lost his mother and he seemed fine in the time straight after this. Then around a week ago he went cold on me, in his texts there were no kisses and he said he needed time to think and rest and had been feeling awful. I replied and said I was there if he needed me and have given him this space and haven’t contacted him for about six days. I still haven’t heard from him, what would you do under the circumstances? It’s been over a week since I’ve actually seen him.

OP posts:
BlondeBarnOwl · 25/10/2019 09:00

How much did you speak / see each other before OP?

How enthusiastic and committed were you to each other?

What did his last messages say?

We need a little more background.

I had something similar, my DPs dad died 4 months into our relationship - its tough, and still is.

RantyAnty · 25/10/2019 09:03

You've only known each other a minute. I'd date others.

Rainbowshine · 25/10/2019 09:04

He’s just lost his mum! He’s probably going through hell and trying to sort out a whole heap of practical things on top of that. I would give him lots of space and a weekly message along the lines of “thinking of you and your family at this time”. You’ve only been seeing each other a matter of weeks so it’s not like he’s checked out of a long term relationship.

Original poster
Sunshine386 · 25/10/2019 09:09

We saw each other about twice a week. I thought we were meeting up last Saturday but he said sorry he’s been in bed all day feeling awful and needed some time to think, rest and sleep. I respected that and said I’m here whenever you need me. Is this enough background?

I know rainbowshine but just wasn’t sure how to handle the situation

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 25/10/2019 09:16

no need to contact him at all. he will contact you when he is ready. when my ex dps mum died I didn't contact him for over 3 months and he was happy I was giving him space.

BlondeBarnOwl · 25/10/2019 09:23

Ok, well all you can do is wait.
I would perhaps offer to cook him and meal and come round to talk. He probably isnt taking great care of himself right now.

There will be a mix of embarrassement for being a bit of a mess from him and also his mind being very pre-occupied with his heart break. All you can do is wait on the sidelines to see if he wants to continue, when he feels up to it, with you.

When my DPs dad died on the Sunday we were due to go on our first holiday together on the Monday. He disappeared (Understandably) for the entire week. I sat at home alone not knowing what was happening really with us. However, i kept a cool head and just gave him space, he then made it clear everything was ok with us he was just feeling numb at that time.
If you really like him youll keep cool and ride it out, but its really tough so early on, i really get it.
All you can do is basically what youre doing. Just keep asking after him and be a friend. He will let you know in a short amount of time if he wants to continue a romantic relationship or not
Death changes peoples perspectives.

JenniferM1989 · 25/10/2019 09:35

I would just send him a message maybe every 3 days starting today and just say you hope he is ok and you're there if he needs you. Give it a few weeks for contact to resume and if it doesn't, move on and date others. You won't even need to tell him this is happening. If he doesn't contact you for a few weeks, you can assume it's over and if he does come back months down the line, you can just politely say that you hadn't heard for some time so took that to mean you weren't seeing each other anymore.

He has lost his mum which is terrible but it doesn't mean that everyone around him, including a person in a new relationship with him can just wait around for weeks or months not knowing anything. What was the last thing he said to you? Was it on Saturday when he said he wasn't up to meeting, he didn't say anything else?

AmIThough · 25/10/2019 09:42

Maybe just send a 'hope you're doing ok. Make sure you're looking after yourself xx'

He's grieving and will have a lot to sort. Give him time.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/10/2019 09:43

It's so tough OP.
I lost my DSis over 18 months ago.
I was seeing someone but just couldn't deal with it all. The fact he was needy and clingy meant he was on his way out anyway.
And I've honestly not been ready to meet anyone since.
I have enough to deal with.
And the depression can take a while to kick in.
Just leave him be.
He will contact you if he is ever ready.
I'm still grieving and he will be doing so for a long time yet.
He may have seemed OK at first but that's just the shock.
Then the reality hits.

RLEOM · 25/10/2019 10:42

I took 9 months to get over the loss of my mother, with the first 5 months leaving me in a depressed hole (I don't even remember most of my life during that time).

Send the odd text every now and then letting him know that you're thinking of him, if there's anything you can do etc. I'm sure he'll come to you in his own time or it'll just fizzle out.

There's always lots to organise after someone dies, then there's family disputes, then there's full-on grieving; there's lots to take in and deal with after a death.

Findumdum1 · 25/10/2019 10:46

don't send him a message every 3 days! I'd find that really stressful while organising funerals etc. one in a couple if weeks at most.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 25/10/2019 10:49

Please don't contact him every 3 days that's way too much. I'd send a message saying you're thinking of him and are there if he needs you, even if he doesn't feel like chatting. Then I'd leave it and if no response I'd move on. You were only together a few weeks and who knows where his head is at.

Belfield · 25/10/2019 10:54

He is going through an extremely difficult time. I would just leave him be. If he comes back to you later well then consider it but maintaining contact/dating someone when you are in pain is probably not the best. Maybe maintain a friends type relationship to see how it goes, odd texts to say you are thinking of him etc. like you would with a friend who wanted their space to grieve.

MaryMoffett · 25/10/2019 11:14

Whatever you do , don't send him a message every three days! Talk about pressure.

You're casually dating. You've sent all the messages you need to send. He knows where you are if he wants to pick things back up with you.

Original poster
Sunshine386 · 25/10/2019 23:05

Thank you everyone for the advice, I think I’m going to send a supportive text as people have suggested along the lines of hope you’re doing ok.

One of the reasons I was asking for advice is because I’ve never lost anyone close let alone a parent so I just don’t understand how he might be feeling, but thank you for those of you who have been through it giving your take on it. I’ve read that sometimes grief takes a while to sink in so people may be fine initially then it hits them.

OP posts:
nex18 · 25/10/2019 23:18

I lost my dad earlier this year, the last thing I wanted was “space”, I wanted (still do) a shoulder to cry on and to occasionally escape from the reality of having to share my family’s grief and make plans. Send him a message, tell him you’re thinking of him and ask if he wants you to keep in touch regularly or just wait for him to be ready.

Original poster
Sunshine386 · 25/10/2019 23:51

Are you male or female nex18? There might be some gender differences in how people react

OP posts:
nex18 · 26/10/2019 05:16

I’m female. There might be gender differences, there’s certainly personality differences which is why I suggest you ask him what he wants.

Seahorseshoe · 26/10/2019 05:37

Often, when grieving, a few months down the line, it can really hit you. You can feel worse than you did immediately after the death.

I'd, gently, ask him, face to face - not via text, how he's feeling and what you can do to help. Losing your mum is a big thing.

wherestheotherone · 26/10/2019 05:39

6 days is nothing. The amount of work that he will have do will be alot. Simply talking to people who need to know is a huge and very tiring job. He's got funerals to arrange, registrars to tell, possibly a house and other relatives to manage. Grief on this level is exhausting and you lose all concept of time and day without the added extras. Be kind to him and give him time. Ask if he's ok and point out your there if he needs you. You could maybe ask if he's eating ok, would he like to meet for a meal (this would most likely be a friend situation rather than fully blown date). Then step back.

thatwasMauijustmessingaround · 26/10/2019 07:31

When I lost my dad in my 20s, I turned my phone off for two weeks. I just couldn't face anybody. I'm F by the way.

Nc77 · 26/10/2019 08:24

I wouldn’t hound him texting him daily, if it’s been 6 days with no contact I’d just drop him a text touching base asking how he is and then leave it for a bit. at least you’re letting him know you are there and are thinking of him and he can come to you if and when he’s ready to talk. He might just need a friend at the minute not a romantic partner

sonjadog · 26/10/2019 09:24

I would send a brief text telling him that you are thinking of him. Nothing that requires an answer or demands anything of him. When my father died, I greatly appreciated texts from friends like this. It meant a lot to know that there were people who cared and were thinking of me. Silence to me would have felt like they didn't care and made me feel even more alone with it.

RantyAnty · 26/10/2019 09:52

What is it you are wanting from him?

OP please just leave him be.

He already told you he wanted space and then you said, " I replied and said I was there if he needed me"

You've already done what you should have. He hasn't contacted you because he doesn't want to right now.

He has friends and family who know him and his mum to lean on.
I'd feel pretty creeped out with over concern from someone I hardly know and who didn't know my mum especially after I told them I needed space.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 26/10/2019 10:16

I'd leave it now. You've done what you need to do. Were you exclusive? If not then you are free to date others. If you were exclusive then if you e not heard anything in a couple of weeks then move on. I lost my dad and my husband left shortly after. It was horrendous but after that first week I had to go back to work and get on with life as most people do. Some people will shut themselves off, others will need their friends and families. You've offered your support, if he doesn't take it that's fine and you know where you stand.

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