New man bereaved and gone quiet

[Sunshine386]

I’ve been seeing a man for two months, we are both in our thirties. A few weeks ago he lost his mother and he seemed fine in the time straight after this. Then around a week ago he went cold on me, in his texts there were no kisses and he said he needed time to think and rest and had been feeling awful. I replied and said I was there if he needed me and have given him this space and haven’t contacted him for about six days. I still haven’t heard from him, what would you do under the circumstances? It’s been over a week since I’ve actually seen him.

What a difficult situation. I don't know if your circumstances are similar but I do know what it's like to be dating in my 30s with a view to finding a life partner and have a family and would be wishing I knew whether I should wait for him or not as it's so new. As PPs say, it may be impossible for even him to know the answer to that at the moment.

However, your feelings matter too. I think he has asked for space so perhaps give him another week as he will have a lot to do then check in to see how he is doing and take your steer from his reply as to whether you should be looking to move on.

Did you discuss exclusivity at all? If you agreed to be exclusive but you don't hear anything in a couple of weeks, or at least anything to suggest he is able to continue a relationship, I'm not sure what others think, but it might be kind to gently let him know you wish him the best but consider things to be on hold so he can concentrate on his wellbeing and family? I just feel this would square things away and minimise hurt feelings/ awkwardness if he sees you out with another man.

Sorry, I think my message reads a bit pushy! I meant your feelings are important in the relationship, not that they are his responsibility at the present moment. You will likely need to read between the lines of any reply and decide how to act accordingly.

Just give him
Space. Losing your mum is an awful experience. My mum died in September and I often get to the end of the day and realise I have done nothin g apart from the stuff I have to (eg take kids to school) and have otherwise stared at the wall.

When my friend's bf lost his mother, he went off radar and didn't contact my friend for about 6 weeks. It hit him really hard, and he still struggles a bit now, nearly 2 years later.

Give him time - it's still early days, and everyone reacts to grief differently.

My bf of a year didn’t contact me for a week when my dad died, apart from on the day I text him when it had just happened and got the “I’m here if you need me” standard text in reply. I expected at least a weekly text to remind me he was still there if I needed anything and that he cared. When that wasn’t forthcoming I decided he wasn’t caring enough for my liking. He got the heaveho.

Sorry about your dad, Elieza

I suppose the problem when it's this new is balancing how far to take him at his word when he says he needs space and how long OP is prepared to wait.

I know people can feel awkward and in the way but I think I'd feel the same as you after a year with that level of support.

Thanks @Muckycat.

Yeah, and sometimes people don’t know what they need as they haven’t dealt with this shit before so his initial feelings of needing space may not be what he’s actually feeling now it’s a few days in. I think regular texts just to say thinking about you I’m here if you need anything no need to reply if you don’t feel like it kind of thing is a good plan. How often is more difficult. Regular enough they know you haven’t forgotten about them and do care but not too often or it will be stressful.

Poor bloke. I'd just send a brief message saying you're thinking of him, hoping he's ok. Say you're here if he needs someone to talk to, then sign off with Best Wishes. Then completely leave him be. He may not feel up to dating. It won't be a snub to you if he doesn't, he's just got to deal with whatever he needs to deal with, his whole world has changed..