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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Im just going to post this before I stop myself

45 replies

Emma330912 · 25/10/2019 01:54

I couldn't work out how to name change, but I have to own my decisions and face up to what I've done.
I feel like i can't breathe, Im going to type this but I'm not sure if I'm going to post or delete so please ignore if I seem to be jumping.
My children's dad and I broke up some years ago. He was quite abusive in every way, he was my first love but it was my love for the children that ultimately made me leave when they were young. But on and off we gave maintained a relationship if sorts, I will go to his house to see him and he'll see the children at his mums, but truthfully as they've got older there less interested. Sometimes it can be over a year other times once a month. I don't ask for anything from him anymore, he will give money here and there but he's on benefits so struggles.
I work full time and love the little family home me and my boys have created. I don't know why I keep going back to him.
So this evening he asked if he could come round, see the children and use my phone for the internet. I let him and it was really nice, he played a board game and we watched a movie. He fell asleep then woke up to meet a friend at 12.00 his phone wasn't working properly so he was shouting but was swearing too, I felt at ease enough to ask him to remember the children were asleep, this made him shout more, he didn't threaten to hit me but made references to before when he did and shouting asking why was I going to cry, to stay away from him and to apologise when I'm next around him, he was also shouting about the negative interacts he's had this week. I don't swear it shout really and I know how he gets worked up, I didn't want him to wake the children up before he left. He left spitting and shouting a bit as he went. About 5 minutes later my eldest who is 13 came out upset, asking if I was crying. I hugged him and did my best to explain and apologize for him hearing that and told him I wasn't crying, but there's no excuse, I messed up letting him sleep so late at our home and daddy shouldn't be moany like that.
I can't even come with any excuses, I know after this long the responsibility is on me for exposing them to that.
I grew up with behavior like that and I can't believe I've just let him hear all that, in his home, his safe place.
Is anyone out there awake too?
Sorry it was so long,

OP posts:
Fere · 25/10/2019 02:03

What caught my eye is that you said you grew up with behaviour like that and feel you should know better and not to expose your kids to such environment.
Are you able to look for some counselling to help you to understand how to change tour relationship with your ex?

You are right that you are responsible for creating peaceful home environment. Can you promise to yourself you will do something about it tomorrow?

OldAndWornOut · 25/10/2019 02:04

I'm awake.
It's certainly not the best outcome, but I think you should use it as the lever you need to finally break away from this man.

Are you lonely? Do you think that's why you slip into allowing him to be around?

FavouriteSoul · 25/10/2019 02:06

Don't beat yourself up about this, it's happened now. Reassure yourself and your family that this is the last time you will let this happen. Your home is your haven. Don't let your entitled ex ruin it. Be assertive and tell him he's not welcome anymore.

KnowMenClature · 25/10/2019 02:11

This is not your fault. You didn't know he could still be likely to do this.

Your dc have a safe home environment, and one evening disturbed and upset.

Make it clear to him he will never be allowed into your home again.

Get your phone checked to ensure it doesn't have any snooping software on it! Or do a factory reset.

Reassure your dc he will not be allowed in their home ever again as hes now proved he can never be trusted.

I am so sorry you've experienced this tonight it must be so upsetting but also deeply disappointing.

Hes screwed up all his chances now and blown any ground he may have gained over time.

I hope your are ok OP Flowers

Minorityreports · 25/10/2019 02:11

He did this, not you.
Don't forget that.
And guess who can protect them? Little old you.

Fallingirl · 25/10/2019 02:13

I think you are shouldeting too much of the responsibility here.

Yes, it would have been ideal if you could have predicted that your ex would behave like that, but none of us can predict the future and other people’s behaviour.

And most importantly, your ex is responsible for his own behaviour.
That’s on him, not you. I don’t think you help yourself or your children by feeling guilty for what your ex did.

What matters now is what kind of relationship you will have with the ex from now on. It sounds like you already know that it would be best to cut him out of your life.

Maybe counselling would help you stay strong and keep him out of your life.

You could also benefit from doing the Freedom Programme freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Please be kind to yourself. You can do your best to keep your ex away from children, but you cannot take full responsibility for his behaviour.

Original poster
Emma330912 · 25/10/2019 02:13

Thank you for replying, I definitely feel like this is it. It's the first time since my son was really young that he's been around that. He's got a fun day out with friends tomorrow and im devastated I've let this happen. Tomorrow I'm going to talk again with him (son) and take it from there, we're quite open with each but I can't imagine all the thoughts going through his little head, I don't know why I keep going to my ex, sometimes it's even me that initiates contact, after a few months or so, I met him young, he's about 15 years older, but times like these I actually make myself sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emma330912 · 25/10/2019 02:14

Sorry just reading replies now

OP posts:
Iwantitidontwantit · 25/10/2019 02:19

Don't be hard on yourself op, you didn't behave this way, he did.

Use this as the point at which you know you won't accept any more of this for you, and more importantly your children.

Some people never change and he couldn't have demonstrated that any more clearly.

Hope you and your dc manage a good night sleep Flowers

Original poster
Emma330912 · 25/10/2019 02:24

Thank you everyone, this is the final part of our relationship I think now, I think i take so much responsibility because everyone knows what he's like, including me, but the kids haven't seen that side as I've tried to keep it separate, but I feel a bit calmer just writing it out and knowing others are awake, I hate that I just can't stand up to him and say what I want when he's like that, I hate that my baby heard me like that and felt worried, I think I'll feel stronger in the day light, thanks again

OP posts:
Original poster
Emma330912 · 25/10/2019 02:29

Thank you, I think i will stay up, my heart is still beating quite fast, just checked in on my eldest and he's asleep now

OP posts:
KnowMenClature · 25/10/2019 02:30

Hey, its not expected that a dm can handle their ex treating them this way.

Everything you've said about your reaction sounds completely normal! God I'd be very upset if someone carried on like that in my home within earshot of my kids.

He did that though, not you.

I'm glad you feel better for having said it. Have you ever called womens aid helpline?

It might help? Especially if you feel alone with it at night. If they're busy you can leave a message and number and they will call you.

It's good you feel its the end of any relationship now. It might be for your dc too.

Try to avoid any further contact with him immediately which coukd further inflame things.

If it scares you to ignore, or anything happens to scare you, just call the police.

OMGshefoundmeout · 25/10/2019 02:30

You did nothing wrong OP. Just learn from your mistake and never let it happen again.

Be honest with your son (in an age appropriate way). He heard what went on so it would be pointless to lie to him. Say Dad lost his temper and was being unkind to you so he had to leave. Tell him that you didn’t think Dad acted like that anymore but now you know he still does you won’t be inviting him over ever again. And then stick to it. Sticking to your word will reassure your son that you are all safe in your own home and also teach him that it is never, ever acceptable to talk to people that way.

avamiah · 25/10/2019 02:37

Emma330912
Hi ,I read all your posts and to be honest with you I didn’t believe any of them until you said “I think I feel stronger in the daylight”.
I know those words / feelings well and I am sorry you are going through this .
Stay strong .

WhatTiggersDoBest · 25/10/2019 02:47

Flowers Didn't want to read and run. Hope you're ok.

Original poster
Emma330912 · 25/10/2019 02:58

Thank you all, I have been in contact with womens aid and gaia before, we have a lot of horrible history, truthfully I think that's where a lot of the guilt comes from as I knew deep down he hadn't changed, your replies have helped loads

OP posts:
Unwrittenrule · 25/10/2019 03:02

I agree with PP's that being hard on yourself about what's already done is a waste of time and energy, all your focus needs to be on protecting yourself and DC from now onwards. Use this as a catalyst to break properly free from him, it sounds like you've almost been in limbo these past few years and it's time to sever ties completely now.

This isn't your fault, it's him who should make you sick, not you. Why do we blame ourselves for being 'stupid' or 'naive' or 'weak' when the real blame lies fairly and squarely with them for being abusive, nasty excuses for human beings? You didn't make him that way and you can't stop him being that way either, and none of that is your fault Flowers

lexiepuppy · 25/10/2019 03:41

Don't beat yourself up, I'm sure you have learnt by your mistake.
Abusers generally don't change, unless they have had therapy and worked on themselves, but they are usually of the personality type that doesn't think they need it.

I highly recommend buying the book by Lundy Bancroft -Why does he do that?
It tells you all about abuser/perpetrators.

The fact you came from an abusive background normalised everything, we are not so quick to see that their behaviour is unacceptable, because we have grown up with it.
Reassure your Dcs that it won't ever happen again.
Stay strong and safe..Flowers

Original poster
Emma330912 · 25/10/2019 03:57

Thank you so much everyone for the replies, they have helped, I'm going to look for that book tomorrow, my adrenaline seems to have worn off, I'm going to try to catch a couple of hours sleep, thank you again for listening to me vent

OP posts:
Unwrittenrule · 25/10/2019 04:04

Hope you manage to get some sleep Emma, this is a link to a pdf version of the Lundy book, it's well worth a read www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/10/2019 04:55

Just seen the thread. Hope you’re sleeping now. This is not your fault. You cannot control his behaviour. I like the explanation from OMG. This is how I would handle it too.

SnowyRacoon · 25/10/2019 04:59

Surely if your son is 13 he can chose if he wants to see his dad? Did not know if you meant 13 or 3 ?

cacklingmags · 25/10/2019 07:12

Not your fault OP. What a shit he is. Well he has blown it now. You can tell him to fuck right off.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2019 07:26

I'm a bit surprised by these responses absolving you of all personal responsibility here.

This man is a violent, abusive waster, he does not support his children either emotionally or financially. And yet you maintained a private relationship with him, even invited him to your home, knowing what he was like and the risk that entailed.

You do need to take some responsibility here, stop your personal relationship and sort out if he wishes to see the kids and keep it at that level, and ensure that he is supervised on neutral territory when he does.

RantyAnty · 25/10/2019 07:40

Block him and never let him into your home again.

He's not a friend and he has zero to offer you or your DC.
See him for what he truly is; an abusive deadbeat.