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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Im just going to post this before I stop myself

45 replies

Emma330912 · 25/10/2019 01:54

I couldn't work out how to name change, but I have to own my decisions and face up to what I've done.
I feel like i can't breathe, Im going to type this but I'm not sure if I'm going to post or delete so please ignore if I seem to be jumping.
My children's dad and I broke up some years ago. He was quite abusive in every way, he was my first love but it was my love for the children that ultimately made me leave when they were young. But on and off we gave maintained a relationship if sorts, I will go to his house to see him and he'll see the children at his mums, but truthfully as they've got older there less interested. Sometimes it can be over a year other times once a month. I don't ask for anything from him anymore, he will give money here and there but he's on benefits so struggles.
I work full time and love the little family home me and my boys have created. I don't know why I keep going back to him.
So this evening he asked if he could come round, see the children and use my phone for the internet. I let him and it was really nice, he played a board game and we watched a movie. He fell asleep then woke up to meet a friend at 12.00 his phone wasn't working properly so he was shouting but was swearing too, I felt at ease enough to ask him to remember the children were asleep, this made him shout more, he didn't threaten to hit me but made references to before when he did and shouting asking why was I going to cry, to stay away from him and to apologise when I'm next around him, he was also shouting about the negative interacts he's had this week. I don't swear it shout really and I know how he gets worked up, I didn't want him to wake the children up before he left. He left spitting and shouting a bit as he went. About 5 minutes later my eldest who is 13 came out upset, asking if I was crying. I hugged him and did my best to explain and apologize for him hearing that and told him I wasn't crying, but there's no excuse, I messed up letting him sleep so late at our home and daddy shouldn't be moany like that.
I can't even come with any excuses, I know after this long the responsibility is on me for exposing them to that.
I grew up with behavior like that and I can't believe I've just let him hear all that, in his home, his safe place.
Is anyone out there awake too?
Sorry it was so long,

OP posts:
Original poster
Emma330912 · 25/10/2019 09:15

Thanks again everyone for replies, I know bluntness100, I know, I think I've wrongly justified it as if he behaved that way and it's just me and him then we'd just spend time apart and then maybe contact each other down the line. I know it sounds stupid, it still shocked me he would do that last night, he wasn't drunk so knew he was at our home. But I know, that's why I posted I think, no excuses, I messed up. My son and I spoke today before he left, I said we could speak when he gets back if he wants, and thanks for the book link. I didn't think they would for some reason, but reading all the replies have helped

OP posts:
holidays987 · 25/10/2019 09:31

Hope you managed to get some sleep in the end, OP.
What happened sounds awful, and shouldn't happen again. But you know that. And you can ensure you stop seeing this man. Perhaps, unfortunately, it's the wake up call you needed.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/10/2019 09:49

I know after this long the responsibility is on me for exposing them to that
So you know what to do OP.
Never allow him back in your home again.
That is your DC safe space.
Do not let him invade it again.

KnowMenClature · 25/10/2019 11:14

He did this. Not you.

Those coming here to blame you doesn't help any, as someone who's been abused already feels pretty bloody crap and hopeless, and is suffering the shock of trying to understand such shocking behaviours.

You are not stupid, neither arw all the women that were and are being abused. You are not stupid.

He messed up.

Its so cleae from your posts that you have, with your own choice and good intentions created a lovely home for your dc.

You can't read his mind, or know that this is what he'd do.

It shocks it hurts and damages, if you knew this would happen you wouldn't have agreed to him coming indoors etc

You don't need to blame yourself as abuse is not your fault, ever.

KnowMenClature · 25/10/2019 11:18

I know after this long the responsibility is on me for exposing them to that

He did this.

If you had called him up and invited him over to come and abuse you all last night, yes, thats on you. If you asked him to bring over a hammer to beat you with, would he do it? If he did that wouldnt he be the abuser, would any non-abusive person do that? No, they wouldn't.

You can't just make someone abuse you. Its totally his fault.

Barbarara · 25/10/2019 12:14

I’m a little concerned that by focusing on your own feelings of guilt here you’re creating a psychological buffer to avoid really dealing with this situation.

Guilt is a useless, sometimes a dangerous, emotion. There is a world of difference between feeling guilty and taking a hard look at what you need to take responsibility for and making the hard changes necessary. Once you do this, you don’t even need to feel guilty. But wallowing in guilt while actually doing nothing progressive is a dangerous indulgence.

I understand how growing up with some level of abuse makes it very difficult to have the clear boundaries people who haven’t lived this seem to have. We love our parents even though they are imperfect but when that imperfection includes abuse we learn to love people despite the abuse. We see good even in people who treat us badly.

Normal reactions (ie ones that haven’t been conditioned by childhood abuse) are to see abuse as evidence that this person doesn’t really love us/is untrustworthy/ is dangerous.

And if we have unresolved childhood trauma there can be a fundamental drive to seek out an abuser and mend the relationship, as a substitute for the love and security we craved as children.

The pull to maintain a relationship with this man is understandable OP but it’s not safe, for you or your dc. You know that indulging this desire is putting your dc at risk hence the guilt. Counselling may help you understand why that pull is so strong and how to heal from the trauma that drives it. You wouldn’t try to deal with a drug addiction without help so please do reach out for support in helping you to get better boundaries in place to protect you and your dc. The freedom programme might be a good place to start. Flowers

KnowMenClature · 25/10/2019 13:01

But wallowing in guilt while actually doing nothing progressive is a dangerous indulgence.

Wow! Barbara

How awful.

You don't show any understanding of the abuse dynamic, and say that shes looking for abuse, if thats not blaming I dont know what is! Hmm

What do you say to blame all the women who didn't suffer childhood abuse? Do they go looking for it too?

Its not possible to make people abuse you, thats an abusers rhetoric.

Original poster
Emma330912 · 25/10/2019 17:16

Thank you again for all the replies, I've been reading them throughout the day, quite a few times actually, and they've all helped, thank you

OP posts:
Unwrittenrule · 25/10/2019 17:24

Just remember you can come back here anytime you're struggling or having a weak moment, there's always someone around to help talk you down. You sound pretty determined but it's hard when habits are ingrained so don't feel bad if you have a wobble, just make sure you come here rather than turning to him. You can do this though, and you and DC will be happier for it Flowers

Barbarara · 25/10/2019 17:40

@KnowMenClature
I’m not suggesting the OP is looking for abuse. I’m saying that we can be drawn back to an abuser because of our need for love and security.
@Emma330912 my apologies if you’re taking me up in the same way. Understanding why I had mixed feelings and how damaged my boundaries were, has been a big part in learning to prioritise my safety, rather than “giving another chance” or “being forgiving”. You’re not responsible for the abuse other people dish out- only they are responsible for that. There is nothing we have ever done, or could ever do, to justify being abused.

Interestedwoman · 25/10/2019 18:06

'if he behaved that way and it's just me and him then we'd just spend time apart and then maybe contact each other down the line.'

Why? You deserve better than this.

Original poster
Emma330912 · 10/03/2024 22:59

Hey,
Not sure if anyone will read this, but I want to post it for myself if nothing else.
The night I posted this OP was the last night my ex was ever in my house. When I doubted myself, I cannot tell you how much it helped me to be able to re read my post & remember how I felt in the moment. After years of being able to instantly forget what had happened & try to get on with my day.
It is a bit bizarre because he had done much worse than that night, & many people were aware of how he was, but for some reason, to me in that moment, putting it on mumsnet meant there was no going back for me & for that i think I will be forever grateful
So, even if you never see this, thank you to all that posted that night/early morning, you really played a part in changing the direction of my life

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 11/03/2024 00:49

Hi OP

I didn't see this first time around but I soon realised that it was an old thread and jumped to the end.

Well done. Sometimes we need to write things down or say them out loud to acknowledge that they're real and allow us to say enough. Good for you to have established your boundary and kept him away. I hope you're having a lovely life without him in it. 💐

Eyepic · 11/03/2024 01:18

Hello Emma
Saw this and didn't want to ignore it.
I am not someone who saw the original post, but have to say all power to your elbow....
Will probably add to this when I am actually awake in the morning....

Ofcourseshecan · 11/03/2024 01:34

Well done, OP. It can be very hard to make the break. You’ve done the right thing for yourself and DC, so I hope everything keeps going well for you. You deserve happiness xx

Imjustagirlintheworld · 11/03/2024 08:37

So glad you kicked the nasty arsehole to the kerb once and for all.

I find MN, especially the relationships board so empowering, so many amazing posters give practical and emotional advice for pretty much any situation. Has helped me a lot too over the years 💪

Fere · 11/03/2024 09:57

I agree. Sound advice here is empowering. I learned so much and am passing that wisdom too.

Original poster
Emma330912 · 11/03/2024 14:21

Thank you all. It didn't feel empowering writing it down initially, truthfully it felt embarrassing & I felt so ashamed, but I definitely feel empowered now. Looking back now feels like another life now & as I said, I thank you all for playing a part in that😊

OP posts:
grinandslothit · 11/03/2024 15:58

So happy to hear you kicked this loser to the curb for good and that you are doing well and thrivingFlowers

Knitgoodwoman · 12/03/2024 23:33

Good for you Op, I’m so pleased you found the strength, and you’re through the other side 😃

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