Kissing in long term relationship?

[Confused866]

Do most couples who’ve been together for years still kiss, like properly, more than just a peck as you go to work? I’ve been with my husband for 10 years (married for 6) and I honestly can’t remember the last tine we properly snogged, it’s been years. I don’t really feel like I want to either, in fact I’d feel really weird and awkward. But I can think of other men I’d like to kiss and I think back fondly of great kisses I’ve had in the past. Is this the norm in a long term relationship or not a good sign? I don’t feel like I can ask friends.

We still kiss(full on snog)and we've been together for 14 years now.

We don't kiss as much as we used to but I think that's partly to do with the fact that were raising 5DC so alot of the time myself and my DH are bloody exhausted.

We always kiss when were having sex,I just presumed everyone does to be honest and we'll give each other a peck on the lips every day and alot of the time that leads onto a proper kiss.

DH and I have been together nearly 20 years and it would feel a bit weird to snog now. Not sure when we stopped

Awwww - that's so sad!

19 years and we still snog, not as much during the day as we have teenagers and they make vomit sounds at any sign of parental affection. However I still feel like I could throw him on the bed and ravish him so we do have the attraction still.

18 years married and hardly ever snog. It is not integral to sex for us and never has been. I do not see it as sad and in fact was told by quite a few old marrieds, when we were dating, that it was normal not to snog so much once married. I think the issue is more about your relationship generally and the snogging bit is a red herring. You can have a great marriage and not be snogging and you could snog a lot but still have a partner who treated you badly in other ways. Comparing stuff like this with others does not help you resolve stuff. You need to talk to DH about it.

I always snog my husband cos I really fancy him, can’t imagine not wanting to. It sounds like something isn’t right between you both if you feel awkward with intimacy in sex though.

Been with DH 20 years. Still snogging.
Talk to your DH about it op.
Maybe your libido has just dropped due to having young kids?

@Confused866

Also, there’s nothing wrong with my sex drive. I just don’t feel that attraction to my dh. I’ve been telling myself it’s like this for everyone but reading some of these replies it seems not...

Op. I think you have answered this in that sexual attraction to your DH. The fact that you could see the attraction to kiss another man shows you want to but not with DH. To me, it is an integral part of foreplay which usually last ages. I'm lucky and he likes me laying there for a while whilst he touches me and at times whilst doing that then kisses me properly which really arouses me. By the time he has finished I'm up for pretty much anything! The kissing though is not just arousing, it makes me feel we are attracted to each other.

You perhaps need to have a good think. Perhaps chat to your husband but be realistic that a conversation that you doing find the idea of kissing him properly attractive it will be pretty devastating. Not good for be long term outlook I think

I'm assuming by the way that you are not in your 70's?

No I’m early 30’s, I feel too young to live the rest of my life without kissing and proper intimacy 🙁 how can you talk about it though, without it being incredibly hurtful?

Been with DP for 2 years & plan to snog his face off for the rest of our lives.

We snog when cuddling watching tv on the sofa, we snog when we bump into each other in the kitchen, we snog when he starts kissing my neck from behind whilst I'm doing the washing up

I mean it's not always a full blown snog but the above mentioned scenarios often induce a snog.

The day the snogging fades, will be like ugh... what's happening here ?!

Cannot imagine DTD with no passionate kissing : (

I had a similar scenario with my now-exH. When I spoke to the Relate counsellor she said we’re programmed not to want to kiss on lips/snog with people we identify subconsciously as being ‘siblings’ or ‘dependents/offspring’. The very prospect of it is designed to spark revulsion in us at a primal level (to deter incest etc). This was a lightbulb moment, and where I realised my H and I had subtly but firmly slid into a sibling/mother-son dynamic. This often happens when other dynamics (division of workload/major decisions etc) falls to one person in a r’ship. I’d had to be the ‘parent’ of my H for so long my brain was telling me subconsciously that he was “off-limits” in terms of kissing etc. Indeed, I felt revulsion at the prospect and for years even having a peck felt wrong, forced and weird for both of us. I felt desperately lonely and knew I still had a sex drive but whilst I could appreciate my H wasn’t bad looking I just couldn’t see him in that way due to the other dynamics.

Hope that makes some sense.

I've only been with dh 4 years but we snog constantly, it's the first thing that triggers off desire for me. If we stopped doing it, I'd lose my sex drive quite quickly.

So my advice based on the above would be: both go together to see a relationship counsellor who specialises in sexual issues. There have an open & frank discussion about your roles/duties/responsibilities and how this has subconsciously changed the way you see eachother and interact. Explore whether consciously making changes to these things could change the dynamic back from ‘siblings/parent-child’ to ‘lovers’. Then work at the ‘lovers’ bit if you start to both feel that way about eachother.

Or at that point, you may be able to identify whether the issue is ‘just’ that you don’t fancy him, and that’s ok too. At that point you’d need to separate. Either way, it can be explored and potentially improved/changed. Don’t stay in a relationship which doesn’t fulfil you; life is genuinely too short.

Ps: not to gloat, but just to add: after my sexless marriage I’m now with my DP of 1year. We snog constantly and the level of physical affection has really opened my eyes to what was missing in my marriage.

If you're not happy I think you need to move on. You're going to end up miserable if this situation doesn't improve and being attracted to your husband is not just something you can switch on and off. I commented up the thread that I snog my DH regularly, but in my previous marriage, I wasn't attracted to him so the snogs were few and far between. I just had no desire for him at all. And I never really did. But leaving that unhappy relationship and meeting my husband has dramatically improved my happiness.

Hmmm... I think it depends on the other person. ExP (together 16yrs) never really liked kissing at all, so it was very much pecks on the cheek. Current DP (together 6yrs) LOVES snogging me like we're teenagers at the cinema - and I'm genuinely surprised just how much I love snogging him still. To be fair, we don't live together, so perhaps the rarity value of it adds a little something?
The thing we both say is just how much we love the physical intimacy we have between us. We can't keep our hands off one another - not in a necessarily sexual way, we just love being able to touch one another. We'll just lie in bed, stroking each other, and it's the closest I've ever felt to anyone (the sex is amazing, but it's the intimacy that we love most).
You don't have to 'settle' for someone who doesn't want you close to them.

DH and I have been together 22 years. We kiss and cuddle quite a bit, but a proper full on snog would only happen during sex.

Thank you so much for everyone’s input. I’m genuinely jealous of those of you in couples where you still snog / want to be physically close all the time. I would love that. I think I know in my heart that the problem is a lack of attraction and it’s not really solvable. It’s just the thought of separating and what that means for the dc is truly awful 🙁

DP and I snogged like teenagers when we first got together, now it's more just a peck on the way out the door but we do still kiss during sex and we cuddle on the sofa and in bed still

We snog from time to time, both during sex and at other times if we get the opportunity. We also grope each other on a regular basis, both in bed and out of it.

Together 30 years, married 27.