FWB and good friend situation, WWYD?

[Lilylilyroserose]

Firstly, no judgement of my situation please, I'm looking for advice. Thanks.
name change/long time lurker
background;
I'm in a sexless marriage.
DH can't/won't have sex. Have got children but last time we had sex was when my DD 8 was conceived.
I miss sex, DH is happy.
So I have a FWB, DH has agreed he's happy for this, but I am very private, it's never discussed, and children don't know.
So I met a FWB and started a relationship. (4 years) We have been close friends over this time.
FWB knows that it's a private matter and I don't discuss the arrangement with anyone else.
It was great initially but over time FWB has turned out to be a major major manipulator. (won't go into details, but giving me less and less and gradually demoting me to giving me crumbs as he knew I was hooked. I know this is pathetic. )
So I have been distancing myself and building up to blocking him but it really hurts as I'm hooked. But I'm getting there. (thanks to advice on mumsnet reading other threads, Ive realised I need to get rid, although not as easy as it sounds.)
Now , I have a newish friend who has moved in near me. She is new to the area. She is great for me, same age (45) 3 kids, newly single, and we have been going out together it's been great.
So Sunday night we went for a drink in the local bar. In the past my FWB would come in and then come to mine after, it was our routine. (DC with DH)
This night, FWB turns up and then makes a bee line for my friend (she has never met him before) and starts to really really chat her up.
She falls for it all and gives him her number.
He leaves trying to take her with him. (she didn't she's got more sense than me)
I felt completely and utterly humiliated. But managed to hold it together. he was very drunk but probably enjoyed humiliating me.
I sent him a few heated texts that night, then
I sent him a calm message the next day saying it's finally over, then blocked him everywhere. (never mentioned my friend or humiliation, tried to take the higher ground)
I feel so humiliated but it feels like the slap in the face I needed, to block him, and obviously it's for the best. but it still hurts.
I saw my friend today and she told me that he has been texting her. She asked me what is he like. (she was laughing about it )
I really didn't know what to say, but I just said that he had a reputation for having a few girlfriends, but I couldn't say more than that.
Obviously I am shocked and devastated that he could treat me like that, we have been close over the time we have been FWB, its been 4 years in total and Ive helped him through some difficult times.
So WWYD?
No one apart from FWB knows about the FWB thing between us.
Do I say nothing and let my friend get on with it and let it run it's course, (of couse it will be painful for me as i will have to witness it, he's good looking and very charming esp at first!!) (and horrible to have him rubbing my face in it)
Of course She may see through him, but she is a bit vulnerable herself and is on the rebound.
Or do I tell her about my FWB arrangement with him, and how he treated me the other night so she has some facts, which will be awkward for me to do, i'm so so private and she's a new friend. (She may still decide she wants to see him anyway I know thats her choice)
If I tell her, although I trust her, I can't guarantee she won't mention my situation to other people, which is unfair on my husband and children,
If I say nothing he gets to skip around treating me and then quite probably her like shit. He doesn't know i've blocked him and probably thinks he can juggle us both.
He's screwed my head up so good and proper I can't even tell you what advice I'd give my own daughter, if she told me this pathetic story.
I will have to see him as we are in a smallish area, and now he's latching onto my friend he will be everywhere we go.

WWYD?

If he turns up, act disinterested! Do not give him the satisfaction that his behaviour is bothering you. Take back control OP, if he speaks to you be normal, no flirting just casual talk. Do not give him special attention or even acknowledge that he is really there.

It's time to take control of your life again and to not let someone like this ruin your self-esteem. You deserve better than that and he is not worth getting upset over.

However, there may be a lesson in all of this. No marriage really survives without that love and intimacy and you do deserve that. Sex is not just about getting yours, it is so much more.

As aforementioned, I do not know your home situation, but you certainly do deserve better from a partner. Right now you're in a position where the world knows you have a husband, but you sleep with someone else and that you can never speak openly about.

Your can still successfully care for and nurture your children with your husband, but separately. Allow yourself to be happy and be loved.

I wish you the best.

I think you need to give your friend more warning about him, for her sake, even if you just keep it vague. If he targets her and hurts her and then it emerges that you knew him and what he was like, you might also lose her as a friend. Remember they could be texting each other right now.

Thanks everyone for helping me out with your invaluable opinions and advice.
My friend couldn't come to the bar on Friday as she went to see her ex, they are thinking of getting back together.
That's what she told me and I've no reason to disbelieve her.
I was exhausted and stayed at home in the end, early bath and Netflix with my daughter.
I won't be going to the bar on Sunday night either I can't face seeing ex fwb so I'll stay out of his way as much as possible.
If my friend goes and meets him on Sunday there's obviously nothing I can do about that, I'll have a coffee with her later in the week for a catch up so if she asks me any Qs directly I'll give a general 'this happened to a friend' response, it was a bit messy etc. If appropriate
I know he's very pushy and will be texting her but as you've all pointed out he owes me nothing. I'll just have to let it run its course.

I think you should have a bit more concern for your friend.
Even if she doesn't ask, you could mention 'in passing' that a friend told you he was a bit of a player, or somesuch.

Honestly, I would be honest with your friend.

He sounds like a total dick. If he is a total dick, chances are if he gets pissed off he will tell her it was you, not a friend. The probably convince her that you lied about that AND lied about what he is like.

Also if he is a total dick, why would you 'miss his friendship first'?

OP I sympathise. I had a fwb. It's not for me because I wanted more. I am one of those people that will develop feelings when having sex with someone. I was single and he was single. Luckily for me, that relationship progressed. Neither of wanted to see someone else and then it just developed from there. We now live together.

If me and dp split up, i wouldnt do fwb again. Because I was lucky to not end up hurt this time.

So I get how you feel. But like me, your relationship with him wasnt like friendship and sex. It went further.

Personally, I think open marriages can be a good thing. But, often, the one out having sex does get emotionally involved with the other person and it causes problems in the marriage. It can be difficult to navigate

Are you sure a sexless marriage, with you seeking sex outside of it, really works for you? I would think about ending the marriage instead.

Stay away from him. This is a toxic situation to be in. Personally I would tell my friend everything. It’s going to be very hurtful to you if you have to see them together. He sounds like a dick for doing that to you tbh.

Yes you are all so right!
It went beyond a fwb as I was attached to him. Although thankfully due to his difficult character I never thought I could be in a full time relationship with him. But I was still very very hooked.
Yes he wasn't much of a 'friend' in a traditional sense you are right, more knowing each other's routines, birthdays, Christmas , little intimate details of our lives shared. I will miss that no matter how difficult he was with me, and also his romantic side, (rarely seen!) although I know it was his act, I still liked it.
If I am honest had he been a 'good guy' I probably would have fallen for him and that would have been disastrous for my marriage so thanks everyone I'm going to give my marriage situation some real thought.
For my friend I'll tell her as much as I can, i just don't want to look like I'm doing it from a position of jealousy.
When she told me he was texting her, i felt like I'd been punched, and the best i could manage was to tell her he had a reputation as a player.
Now I've talked it over with posters here it's cleared my head and I think I can do better next time.
Yes thanks for that TheMistressQuickly I can see this is toxic, and posting has really helped. I feel like a boil has been lanced and suddenly I feel exhausted and totally relieved I don't have to be there for him anymore.
I did wonder yesterday if he was sending me any messages and unblocked my phone!!!! Crazy I know, but then quickly realised I don't want to be drawn back in (reminded myself of the humiliation) and that actually I just don't want to hear one more word of crap. He would be capable of texting, saying he missed me and trying to pick back up.
So thanks yes it's toxic and I'm getting out. X

Antibles, Happityhap, Anotherlongdrive, and others,
Yes thanks for saying that I will show more concern for my friend. I'll try and deal with it a bit better. I can't worry about what he will say he could spout any old crap so I'm not going to worry about that , I'll focus on her being ok

Wishing you and your friend well, Lilylilyroserose.

I think I would be honest with her as she can then see that his behaviour that eve was very manipulative and more about hiring you than liking her. If you do not tell her anything and she dates him, he is sure to tell her something and I think he will try and make you out to be a crazy ex or something.

hurting not hiring!!

Don't tell your friend. It was a private arrangement and it would humiliate your husband. If you've told her that he's got a reputation as a player then she's been fully warned and it's up to her where she goes from there.

It sounds like you've built yourself up a fantasy that you can somehow be happy in a sexless marriage, when you want sex, and get the sex from elsewhere, but the reality is a lot messier, because yours and others' emotions are involved. The only sort of person this kind of arrangement would work with would be a player because a decent man wouldn't want to be kept on a string.

You do need to sort out both relatinoships. It's your husband who needs to become your friend not your husband anymore, and you need to look for what you want and need with someone who can give it to you.

Happityhap,
Thanks the kind comments are really helping esp as I've no one to talk to in rl

Yes Karabair, I get you point about the marriage.
The ex fwb doesn't talk about other relationships and I don't think he'd say anything to my friend. (Yes I'll never really know but he has not got form for this)
Less said is better in my opinion, keep out of the way as much as poss, block and keep an eye on my friend.

I also don't think it's a good idea for children to grow up in a household where the adults are lying even if it's just to themselves. It can cause a lot of problems.

Yes my husband is my good friend, and I carry on because we are comfortable together. I thought it was normal to carry on for the dc.
I assumed there were lots of couples out there living like this. I just assumed it was a case of the grass is greener.

Op what if the next FWB has feelings for you and you fall for that one?

If your husband is a good friend how would you feel leaving him for someone else? How would he feel?

Hi just to say that I saw my friend at her house briefly this afternoon, her ex was there, they were doing diy, she seemed really happy and said she was going out with him later. No reference made to ex fwb, but obviously her ex/oh was there.
I am relieved and think I've been very lucky she is back with him this weekend.
I know ex fwb will continue to text her and maybe they'll be something in the future but at least it gives me time to pick myself up and move on a little bit.
I feel the difficult situation is averted for the moment. Thanks everyone x

However I do know that I need to sort myself out.

Totally agree with @Karabair

It sounds like you basically have fallen for the fwb, and any man who isn't about messing about is not going to get into this kind of fwb situation long term.

When you look at the facts, you two are/were in a sexual relationship, but he is single and you're married...not nice of him to flirt with others in front of you but I think this situation needs to be seriously reconsidered. It's as if you are in 2 relationships in your mind, but in reality you are not.

"I thought it was normal to carry on for the dc."

Keeping up appearances for the children can be disastrous. Where did you learn this approach to relationships that you think it is normal?

Well I'm not sure if it's keeping up appearances!
It's complicated I suppose. I'm actually really happy with dh. We get on so well. If I'm honest I don't really want to separate.
I can't imagine there's a better person out there for me. We're all so happy together with the dc. We cuddle and sit together on sofa etc it's relaxed.
However there's a no sex situation which I tried to sort out with the fwb which was way too complicated
But I imagine there are stacks of people who lack an element in their marriage and are not prepared to leave for it. (Not necessarily the no sex thing but something missing)
At the moment I'd choose no sex and no fwb than leave the marriage if that was the only option. I'm not sure if that's keeping up appearances.
I don't think things in relationships are textbook.
I don't think the dc are suffering.

But after points kindly made by posters I am having a big think about my marriage and it's future

But you arenr answering.

You clearly arenr just looking for sex. If it was just sex and you were getting plenty of intimacy in your marriage, you wouldnt be jealous.

So what happens with your next FWB if you fall for him and he falls for you.

Do you really believe you woild just walk away from someone who can give you all the good points of a relationship AND sex?

Open marriages can work great. But not a plaster to paper over the cracks so you cab just ignore them and pretend they arenr there.