FWB and good friend situation, WWYD?

[Lilylilyroserose]

Firstly, no judgement of my situation please, I'm looking for advice. Thanks.
name change/long time lurker
background;
I'm in a sexless marriage.
DH can't/won't have sex. Have got children but last time we had sex was when my DD 8 was conceived.
I miss sex, DH is happy.
So I have a FWB, DH has agreed he's happy for this, but I am very private, it's never discussed, and children don't know.
So I met a FWB and started a relationship. (4 years) We have been close friends over this time.
FWB knows that it's a private matter and I don't discuss the arrangement with anyone else.
It was great initially but over time FWB has turned out to be a major major manipulator. (won't go into details, but giving me less and less and gradually demoting me to giving me crumbs as he knew I was hooked. I know this is pathetic. )
So I have been distancing myself and building up to blocking him but it really hurts as I'm hooked. But I'm getting there. (thanks to advice on mumsnet reading other threads, Ive realised I need to get rid, although not as easy as it sounds.)
Now , I have a newish friend who has moved in near me. She is new to the area. She is great for me, same age (45) 3 kids, newly single, and we have been going out together it's been great.
So Sunday night we went for a drink in the local bar. In the past my FWB would come in and then come to mine after, it was our routine. (DC with DH)
This night, FWB turns up and then makes a bee line for my friend (she has never met him before) and starts to really really chat her up.
She falls for it all and gives him her number.
He leaves trying to take her with him. (she didn't she's got more sense than me)
I felt completely and utterly humiliated. But managed to hold it together. he was very drunk but probably enjoyed humiliating me.
I sent him a few heated texts that night, then
I sent him a calm message the next day saying it's finally over, then blocked him everywhere. (never mentioned my friend or humiliation, tried to take the higher ground)
I feel so humiliated but it feels like the slap in the face I needed, to block him, and obviously it's for the best. but it still hurts.
I saw my friend today and she told me that he has been texting her. She asked me what is he like. (she was laughing about it )
I really didn't know what to say, but I just said that he had a reputation for having a few girlfriends, but I couldn't say more than that.
Obviously I am shocked and devastated that he could treat me like that, we have been close over the time we have been FWB, its been 4 years in total and Ive helped him through some difficult times.
So WWYD?
No one apart from FWB knows about the FWB thing between us.
Do I say nothing and let my friend get on with it and let it run it's course, (of couse it will be painful for me as i will have to witness it, he's good looking and very charming esp at first!!) (and horrible to have him rubbing my face in it)
Of course She may see through him, but she is a bit vulnerable herself and is on the rebound.
Or do I tell her about my FWB arrangement with him, and how he treated me the other night so she has some facts, which will be awkward for me to do, i'm so so private and she's a new friend. (She may still decide she wants to see him anyway I know thats her choice)
If I tell her, although I trust her, I can't guarantee she won't mention my situation to other people, which is unfair on my husband and children,
If I say nothing he gets to skip around treating me and then quite probably her like shit. He doesn't know i've blocked him and probably thinks he can juggle us both.
He's screwed my head up so good and proper I can't even tell you what advice I'd give my own daughter, if she told me this pathetic story.
I will have to see him as we are in a smallish area, and now he's latching onto my friend he will be everywhere we go.

WWYD?

Thanks chocolate 123 I'm trying to work on myself!
I take your point that he is entitled to chat up who he wants.

Lilylilyroserose

Of course he’s entitled to chat up other women. However doing so in front of you is disrespectful.

FWIW I’ve had a FWB for the last 5 years. I’m quite sure he dates etc but I never hear about it, he never contacts them in front of me and vice Versa. The friends bit is just as important as the benefits and friends should treat each other with kindness and respect.

Jaqueshammer, thank you so much for your kind words.
It's great to hear I'm not the only one that's been in a long term fwb situation.
Your point about the friend part is a good point.
Neither of us wanted to be together full time and I considered him a friend. I suspected he had other fwb, But it was never discussed.
I never expected a 'friend' to be so insensitive.
He was very drunk when he chatted her up but has gone onto text her so he's obviously not bothered at all!

Miniloso
That's such good clear advice thank you so much.
Today is a fresh day, as you said, and I'm doing my best to move on.
Thanks. X

I think people who say that FWBs should have NO emotional ties are wrong tbh. This guy has been a part of her life for 4 years, and gave her what she was missing from her marriage. It's natural to be sad that he's turned out to be a twat (which he is - it's utterly disrespectful to come on to someone else in the company of your fwb). I was in a similar situation, and I was sad when it ended, partly because I would miss him, as I would with any friend, but also partly because I would miss the sex!
OP, do you think you'll be able to find another fwb? Or maybe move on from your husband?

Thanks liloublue, you are right.
The thing I will miss most about my fwb is the friendship I am going to lose.
The sex after that!
My dh is great, so hard in a sexless marriage to know what to do, I've read lots of threads on it, I don't want to break up my home for it, but yet here I am in this pathetic situation of my own making.
Yes I have a possible fwb to move on with, but I'm not ready yet. !!
I've just spent some savings on flights for us all to visit my sister and her family at Christmas so we can all get away. I haven't had a break for a long time, and at least I won't be thinking about fwb or seeing him with my friend over the festive season.
I feel better for that and it's given me something positive to look forward to.

I tend to agree that you should tell your friend. If FWB is as manipulative as it sounds he may use this 'secret' against you at any point. Being honest with your friend removes the power from him and will likely serve you better in your friendship. You've done nothing wrong as your DH accepts the situation and it works for you.

I would also talk to your DH about the situation and ask if he's ok with telling your friend as you remain a couple and it may have a bearing on him too.

Sorry there are no easy answers but beating yourself is not necessary. Good luck

Is your friend a good one? I am thinking how would she feel a few years down the line, if things worked out with them?

I also think you need to tell your friend x

Depends on a person, obviously, but if I'd be your friend, OP, I'd be very grateful and would appreciate if you'd tell me about this man.

I don't understand some posters. Yes, he was a 'no strings attached' man and OP didn't have a right to expect he'd stay with her and her alone forever, true. However, he's an asshole for what he had done. Of course, he has a right to chat up other women, but a decent and nice man wouldn't try to hook up with OP's friend in front of her. That's a slap on the face, malicious and deliberate, decent man wouldn't do this. Fair enough if he doesn't want to be with OP any more, but no need to get out of his way to hurt her, though. There are plenty of other pubs with plenty of other women, he could have gone to any of them.

So yes, he's an asshole imo, and I'd really appreciate being told all this, if I'd be your friend.

I think others up thread might've mentioned the idea, but you could phrase it as 'he was dating this friend of mine and he...' Obviously you haven't gone into it entirely with us.

'over time FWB has turned out to be a major major manipulator. (won't go into details, but giving me less and less and gradually demoting me to giving me crumbs as he knew I was hooked. I know this is pathetic. )'

Speaking as someone who's been the FWB with partners who were in a relationship etc, being a FWB can breed a lot of resentment. Whether you think so or not, the person with the partner is the one who mostly decides how often you meet, whether it progresses to anything else etc, they are also more likely to call it off when they like. It is the single person whose emotions are mostly being toyed with, as the person in a couple has their main emotional allegiance to their partner/spouse.

So, the single FWB at least can feel powerless, and it leads to them being resentful etc. This 'giving crumbs' and the episode with your friend, could be his way of expressing that resentment, or as a way to get some power in the situation when he feels powerless.

Regardless of what a FWB relationship is supposedly said to be- friends who happen to have extras, the single person is being used for sex basically, and on one level, even if he doesn't say this to you, they feel used. You've said yourself, your motivation for having a 'FWB' is for sex, you get everything else you want from your DH. This feeling of being used adds to the resentment.

None of what I just said is a criticism of you, I'm just trying to describe the motivations of the single person in a FWB arrangement, and some of his possible motivations for trying it on with your friend in front of you. That wasn't a nice thing to do, IF he knows you have feelings for him (why would he, as you've said your love is for your DH, he has to put up with you going home to DH every night etc, that is not a sign you have feelings for him.)

I think he was doing it to assert his power, his freedom, and his resentment. You are the one that mostly is 'toying' with him at the end of the day- you already have a husband and are just using him, regardless of any feelings he might have.

Sorry that ended up so long lol xx

I think you should look a little further into your situation with your DH. Is the absence of sex due to a medical condition that he's been to a doctor about or is it possible he's gay? If in fact he's gay it's always possible that he'll meet someone he wants to be with & end your marriage.
It might be a good time for you to have some serious conversations with your husband now that the FWB is off the scene.

Thanks so much for your reposes.
Interestedwoman,
Im afraid the fwb called all the shots, it was me who was hooked on him while he was free to meet women as he likes. I have a lot of freedom. I was always waiting for him, he'd often say he would meet and then just not turn up and ignore my calls. He'd say he was coming and come round very drunk at 2.00 after the club/pub when he hadn't met anybody else (I suspect). He would ignore my texts and get sulky giving me silent treatment if I complained about anything. If I tried to end it I ended up getting reeled back in.
I am sure that he is in no way looking for a 'settled' relationship. He is divorced with a child and admits married life is not for him. Of course this may change with someone else.
You will be thinking why on earth did I put up with all this, but it started so good then over time once I was hooked the difficult behaviours
started.
I have been trying to finish for a while, he thinks I will always be available for him, he loves that power. Even now he won't even have realised that he is blocked. He will assume that I am still available.
I never realised what he was doing until too late, I've never met a man like this before!!!! It was reading mumsnet which made me realise.
So I am in no doubt that this slap across the face was what I needed, but I didn't think he thought so little of me that he could chat up my friend while I was there. Sorry I sound such a doormat.
Sorry about this pathetic drama, I never thought I'd have something like this going on in my life, and sorry for the drip feed I tried to stick to essentials in my OP. I'm not proud of what I have put up with.
And yes EileenAlana, medical has been done with DH plus lots of convos over a long period of time, maybe the gay thing is something to consider.

Thanks for your RESPONSES!!! not reposes

I did pull on my big girls pants recently (thanks to mumsnet) and told him if he couldn't treat me with basic respect then I didn't want anything at all. I suppose this could be his way of making me pay for that?

'He'd say he was coming and come round very drunk at 2.00 after the club/pub when he hadn't met anybody else (I suspect).'

Confused. Where was your DH, wasn't he at home? :/

I just don't buy your attempt to paint yourself as a victim of this bloke, sorry. I suppose he might have left you hanging on, but what would it do to his self esteem to be waiting for you, etc?

It seems to me that if you really have this much emotional involvement in it, you're not as happy in your relationship with your husband as you claim.

Yes interestedwoman you are right there, i can't be that happy, I'm beginning to realise that.
To let myself get in this situation seems screwed up to me.
My husband is great as a father and partner, we coparent I guess.
I've got used to living Like that over a period of time.

I don't think I could NOT warn a friend, especially as you can see her being reeled in. How you do so is up to you, but I couldn't stand by and watch.

He was a dick to chat her up in front of you and it was completely deliberate. She'll be thinking he approached her because he liked her when actually he approached her purely as the person you were out with.

OP, you are being very evasive to a few very pertinent questions. It sucks that he treated you like that but as a FWB he owes you fuck all.

Yes you are right in essence, he owes me fuck all.
In terms of saying anything to my friend about my history with this man, what do you think is the best course of action?
Thanks again everyone for your opinions and advice, it's really really helping me sort it out in my head.

Firstly, why are you in a sexless marriage? What is the reason for this?
I'm also shocked that your husband apparently is okay with you fucking other men.

If your marriage is so terrible that you have to resort to what you are doing then you need to leave. You don't seem to concerned about your children when you're hanging around giving the FWB whatever time he wants.

Secondly, as above mentioned, you state you have so much time to be waiting around for this other man, so I assume your husband did most of the care for the children? Where was your husband and the children when you would bring this man into your home whenever he decided to give you some time?

So your husband was okay with you swanning off leaving the children to him whenever you decided it was time for sex with someone else?

As others have said, I don't think you're a victim at all in this and you seem to come across as somewhat manipulative.

I would be interested to hear your answers to the above.

I don't think the reasons why I am in a sexless marriage or the reasons my DH and I have decided this is the way we are living have a bearing on my WWYD? Your shock at our choices has no bearing on my WWYD question.

I do go out one night a week, with friends or to meet my FWB at his house, my husband also gets a night out a week.
To clarify, when I said I was always waiting for him, I am including texts in that. So my waiting was checking my phone to see if he'd call. It felt like constant waiting.
Sometimes I may be able to meet my fwb another convenient time at his house. The frequency of these meet ups were determined by him in general, maybe we'd see each other once a week, once every other week, for instance, occasionally more frequently or maybe a month would go by with nothing. The timings obviously had to be mutually convenient.
I'm sorry if I gave the impression I was constantly available.
Sometimes I'd wait for him at his house at an agreed time, and he would be out, coming in at some point in the evening, obviously I didn't have to wait for him but I was really looking forward to seeing him.

Interesting to hear me described as manipulative, that gives me something to think about.

Thanks again for all your thoughtful comments on my situation, it's really helpful for me. I will read them all through carefully later. Thanks for the time you have taken to respond.

OP, the reason I asked was to understand your situation better as you can appreciate it is not common.

I asked because it appears you are unhappy and evidently do crave intimacy and the fact your husband is not giving it to you is a concern (hence why I asked why). Do you think this is a way to live your life? Could you not separate and find someone to treat you with love and respect? The FWB is not the way to go, it will fuck you up and lower your self esteem. This is why it is not a healthy situation.

I understand you don't want to upset your children, but you also owe yourself happiness. I don't know your circumstances, but this current set up cannot be good for anyone's mental health.

As for your current situation, block this man, he is going to destroy your self esteem and make you feel like you are worthless - do not give him any more power over you. If you do not want to share your personal story with your friend, perhaps just warn her generally saying you've heard from other friends what he can be like and to be cautious. What she does thereafter is her call.

OP, don't over explain, there is no need just to satisfy noisy posters who will pick apart your life and decisions. This was a mutual agreement between you and your H and no one else needs to know the details.

I'd tell your friend that you do know more, but was reluctant to say as it's a bit messy but you don't want to see her get sucked in and hurt, then take it from there. Whether you say it's you or a friend is up to you.

Thanks again for all your help, much appreciated.
So I'm going to have a think about my home situation. Perhaps I'm burying my head in the sand about my marriage.
Yes this fwb owes me nothing, but he behaved like an asshole, thanks for saying that , it helps!
For my friend I just don't know, i like you idea ExcitedForFuture of explaining there was a messy situation but I don't want to say more etc I may use that.
Tomorrow my friend and I are meeting some girl friends in the pub. I would not put it past him to turn up and continue the chatting up.
I think when I'm out with her tomorrow i will see what happens and take it from there.
If it's appropriate I'll give her the generalised warning.
Other than that I will let it run its course.
I would love not to have to see him again!
I'll post if there's any developments