I decided to post my story here because I wanted to get an unbiased female opinion on our situation as I dont really have anyone to talk to about problems at home.
Thankyou all for talking the time to respond , some of the comments and opinions of the things I have said have hit me where it hurts but this is good , I need some home truths to help me understand. I'm not a narcissistic person , im very subjectible to the fact that there are things about me , my thoughts , opinions and the way I deal with problems that are less than perfect and im trying to find out if what i feel and think is right or wrong in a bid to save my relationship, surely there's nobody here that can condemn me for that.
@Graphista thanks for your response , I read it about 10 times and although you have surmised scenarios in your own head that don't exist and they have generally set the tone of your response there were a few things that hit me like a bus and have given me some serious food for thought.thanks
but in my defence...
I'm not a workaholic , im a hard working man that is trying to provide the best life possible for my family and set us up for retirement years , I would gladly reduce my hours if there was a 2nd income coming in.
your comments about her being my employee are completely taken out of context.
yes OH is on "a salary" she is payed PAYE from the business funds and I keep up her NAT INS and provide pension contributions.
She has a company car mobile phone , insurance and fuel all paid from my business, we agreed this on the condition that she assisted with small admin tasks which she has never done, thats why I ask her to help from time to time, if she didnt want this arrangement we could have gone another route .
when i met her she was on DHS and working 16 hours in a Admin role , as soon as she fell pregnant she quit.
OH doesnt look after my son when he visits , not once.. im close with him and I take full responsibility in fact she refuses to watch over him as him and her lad are like chalk and cheese and she cant deal with a fall out , so when she goes to the holiday home with our toddler and her own son , my son isn't invited if im not present.
My last Relationship wasn't with my sons mother ,that was a casual relationship and it was an it was amicable decision ,we get on just fine. My actual last LTR was ended due to completely falling out of love over a period of 4 years , fizzled out no kids involved. the remainder of the time I have been single , im 43.
The holiday home was what she wanted ,its in a town where she holidayed as a child , I bought it out of my savings when she was expecting , she was overjoyed that our children would share the same experiences of her childhood. She said id made her dreams come true. (which is why i cant sell it and feel strongly that theres no shame in asking her to assist me in its upkeep)
We met in Jan 2016 , she fell pregnant 6 months later, we lived apart only seeing each other on weekends . we are not married. I used the word divorced instead of explaining the full story (its a bloke thing).
I immediately rented a house for us to be together close to her family & friends , there was little time and i didn't want to just buy the first house as we were desperate I i didn't know the area. I finally bought us a suitable home earlier this year (big renovation project very stressful).
my 6am start is followed by a 2 hour commute , I do a lot of miles each week on top of this and my job is physical , mental and tiring i almost never get home before 7:30pm and then I have to work on the computer and make phone calls , I'm a one man band that turns over approx 300k a year 65% of that income is running costs. when I met her I was turning over 60k and retaining 65% , Ive achieved that in 3 short years, I never had the incentive to go at it that hard before as Ive never had to and if i'm totally honest a lack of confidence that had burdened me almost all my life, taking OH on with the extra two kids made me face my insecurities and raise my game.
you say " get my priorities right! you only need money for bills" , my bills are obviously far greater than yours ! , I have business running costs , rental property we live in, a mortgaged renovation property , a holiday home, two vehicles plus trying to put money away for the future.
Im open for discussion , I want to work this out and work together to come to a happy conclusion but the minute I say something that she doesn't like she shuts me down, she refuses to make any suggestions and she doesn't have any opinions ! its like flogging a dead horse
this very night Ive asked her if she wants to talk about it and she said she doesn't know what to say , if I tell her to carry on as she is and ill keep doing what im doing she will fall back into line and be happy , shes done it too many times for me to think otherwise , this is why sometimes I try to make a stand (enforce) a change only to fall back into line myself after 2 weeks of not talking ....its painful
....P.s before anyone asks no there is no mental heath issues or PSND or DP we have explored all this , shes very happy in herself when i keep quiet about my feelings and keep my head down.
I asked her once what would happen if i had an accident and couldn't work (im fully insured but she doesn't know that ) , she said she will have to go back on DHS and we will have to live separate , how can THAT be an option , i just don't get it. please correct me if im wrong