How do you healthily release anger?

[WarwickLife]

I guess this falls more into the "relationship with oneself" category.

Quick background so no dripfeed - have been through nearly 10 years of therapy to overcome a very dysfunctional childhood. One of the features of said childhood was that all displays of emotion were met with punishment or being shamed. I've done really well and have gone from being behind the 'fog', depressed, anxious, destructive and single to generally much happier, healthier and happily married.

So, my question... It has come to light recently that despite learning loads and making progress, that I still have difficulty in accepting and allowing anger. I have been exposed to a couple of very nasty people recently (one at work and one in my social circle) and they basically walked all over me, treated me unkindly and unfairly and with no regard to anyone but themselves. I was able to identify this quite quickly but felt super angry about the way they treated me. Due to professional and social codes (and other people's involvement) it wasn't necessarily appropriate for me to confront either of them on this occasion, and so I have been left with a justified anger at the unfairness and the sheer injustice of it all. (I also know their behaviour triggers feelings about my own upbringing).

Lately I've been finding myself feeling irritated at everyday selfishness of people (pushing into queues, barging past me on the bus, antisocial behaviour etc) and also getting extremely angry about politics. I don't do anything about it outwardly but have an internal monologue of irritation towards these people almost daily at the moment. My therapist says although this anger is not misplaced (as these people have behaved badly in that moment) it is heightened because it is channelled anger from the other situations with the two people, which I haven't released. He has encouraged me to find healthy ways of releasing my (legitimate) anger, in a safe space, not directed towards other people or anything, but in a way that allows my anger to come out. Above all I need to accept my anger and not suppress it as I learned to do as a child to survive living with my caregivers.

I am interested to know what ways 'healthy' people use to release their valid and justified anger? I'm not talking about the kind of anger when, inside you know you are being unreasonable, but anger that is justifiable. I am also not talking about ways to "manage anger" e.g. breathing techniques / counting to 10 - as theses are strategies to control it / suppress it and that is the opposite of what I need to do.

So any safe ways of releasing pent up anger? All I can think of to do is go into a room and scream at and punch a pillow.

Hi Op,
I don’t have any good techniques and have noticed myself suffering anger and stress in similar scenarios. I feel like things have got a bit better since I joined a gym. Especially doing circuits and boxing type classes. Sorry I don’t have any better advice - hopefully someone will come along with some more.

I don't know but I'm watching with interest as I have a lot of anger at the minute. I walk and swim a lot so I'm not sure that it's helping right now

I don't have any outlets right now which is stressful in itself, but I used to find aggressive badminton good.

You could try a punchbag?
Or if that seems a bit extreme, fill up a big bag with rice, tape it up with duck tape (place on a pillow so nothing gets harmed) and knock the hell out of it with a rolling pin until you feel you've spent your anger.

Physical stuff. After having pnd with my DD, I realised my fuse was very very short. Friend suggested weight lifting and boxing. Has helped me alot. Especially boxing.

EFT tapping - I know that many mumsnet users may unkindly refer to this as quackery but I have seen psychologists recommend it on websites as "this seems to work no idea how". I think it is amazing. My blurb ie the thing I say while doing each tap is "Even though [xyz] I love and respect myself" - I copied the blurb from a youtube video and the xyz is whatever comes into my head as the offending thing. Literally whatever comes into my head, I don't waste time trying to make it sound reasonable (to myself).

The other thing which helps me if something has really got under my skin is to write out about whatever thing has made angry:
"I am angry because [whatever it is]
I am sad because [whatever makes me sad about the thing that made me angry]
I feel sorrow because [whatever sorry I have about the thing that made me angry]
I feel afraid because [whatever fear I have about the thing that made me angry]"
Again, I got this from some random advice thing I read, but it is really good - it seems to very effectively release the emotion and also the writing out and reading back helps you process it.

I think in summary it is about processing it, and as times goes on you get quicker and processing and releasing it.

I run. Put my trainers on and I just run.
When I exhausted myself, I go for a swim, that always restores my sanity.

Well anger can actually be a very effective motivator for seeking justice so it's not entirely bad.

If it's just stressing you out though, apparently gratitude is a good counter to anger, it being hard to feel them both at the same time.

Sometimes I practice Shit Thing of the Day. So rather than get cross that something is marring my day I just go oh yeah that's the shit thing of the day, there is always one because that's life.

Oh and I get my kids to tell me rubbish jokes off the internet and give me hugs. And then I get to feel gratitude that I have them to do that for me

Running, boxing, long walks.
Something really physically demanding like chopping wood.
Be proud of the progress you've made and the issues you've had to overcome.

I act out in my head (or out loud when I’m alone) scenarios in which I confront the cause of my anger and imagine all the ways it can resolve. Then I can either attempt to confront my feelings or accept their temporary hold of me

I have a baseball bat tucked away in the corner of my room - I use it to beat the shit out of my bed. Sooo good.

(I learnt that on a week-long therapy course in the IoW)

I go for a long drive at night on the motorway and pretend the people involved are there and shout at them. Proper unbridled rage.

WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE etc

Usually cry afterwards.

Works wonders.

Firstly I try not to feel anger against the person and what they are doing. They're the unreasonable ones with their own hang ups and issues. Dealing with them though does stress me out!

For me the only thing that works is exercise. I used to pound things out at gym classes but I'm not as fit as that now. Lately I've found swimming works me, not just gentle plodding along but really trying to improve my stroke and swim harder. I then have 10 mins in a steam room and come out all zen like.

I think it's really important to look after you, and your wants and needs. Is doesn't mean you become selfish, just more able to deal with the arseholes we all have to encounter in life.

I normally go out into the woods with a gun and shoot.

I've recently felt very angry at myself unjustly for something that was not my fault.

Although I knew I wasn't at fault for feeling this way I had a lot of repressed anger to unleash at it. In all honesty I drank a bottle of wine and wrote a letter to myself expressing the unjust anger I felt at myself.
In the cold light of day I knew that was all ridiculous but from the letter I picked up key bits that could be addressed if they arise again

Dancing to loud, angry music.

And then I binned the letter. Feelings done.

Sometimes anger is a secondary emotion - when you feel unable to assert yourself - primary anger is in the moment - secondary anger is often when you stew on something but feel trapped or unable to resolve it......maybe in these cases you are angry with yourself for not being able to assert your boundaries. People can only walk all over you if you allow it - you could have been assertive - no need to have gotten angry - to deal with these people.

I find it helps to sort of narrate what's happening and name how I'm feeling ('X happened and I am really upset/angry/livid' etc). It means I don't hold it in and somehow I don't feel so compelled to act out the emotion (or hide it) so much once I've named it. I've done this when talking something through with the person I'm angry with, but you can also just talk yourself through your own feelings on your own.

Sometimes a visceral 'uuurrrrrggghhh' noise helps me too!

I try to remember that unpleasant people may only cross my path once but they carry their unpleasantness around with them all the time and I'd rather suffer the brief interaction than be like that all the time.

I also visualise my anger as an itchy jumper with a thread attached to the person who is pissing me off, and as the distance between us increases it unravels and falls away.

Good luck op, and well done for pulling the threads apart on this emotional stuff, it isn't easy.

Years ago I would put a photo on a dart board and throw darts at that person!

lately I have been writing In a notebook all the shitty things my ex has done.

You could put your anger into painting If you are not sporty.

When i split from my ex I painted 3 bedrooms of the house I was renting ,from friends. I put on loud music and painted my anger away.

Sometimes you also feel anger towards the wrong thing, too.

Exercise!

Thanks for all the great ideas! I like the sound of running and art.
I had a day off today and actually read a great chapter which was really helpful. It suggested one technique which is verbal ventilation (to be done alone, or with an extremely trusted other I.e. therapist). Anyway I was alone at home and so I tried it out. I just ranted and raved about stuff and then imagined the person there and told them what I thought of them etc. It was full on and I also wound up ranting at my primary caregivers too.

It sounds a bit silly but it was actually good to do and feel like I had "permission" to express all this anger. Anyway, afterwards I journaled about what I'd done and then felt suddenly very calm and grateful. I've had a really good day so I think this was an effective technique. Although important to have a private space where you're not going to get interrupted.

I think the main shift has been having permission to feel justified anger- so thanks for being a non-judgemental sounding board!

Yoga. Half hour/45 mins everyday

Ditto the exercise.
It takes quite a lot to make me angry enough to need to physically rage, but when I am I find either chopping wood, or putting wooden fence posts in by hand helps. Both give the satisfaction of smashing something but are safe and constructive at the same time.

And/ or a friend that will let you rant.